Bad Gags.

octatonic

Post yours here:

My mate has just rung me in tears. 

His wife has left him.

She took his Bob Marley CD collection and the satellite dish. 

Poor bugger.
He has No Woman, No Sky.

HAL9000

Customer: I'd like topside of wasp please.
Butcher: Sorry madam, we don't sell wasp.
Customer: You've got one in your window.

boogieman

I went to the doctors. 

He said say ah. 

I said why?

He said my dog's just died. 

RandallFlagg

There was a shooting earlier, someone was shot with a starter pistol at an althletics track. Police think it may be race related.

ToneControl

Darren Walsh

“When I’m listening to U2, I turn down the treble a little bit. Just to take The Edge off.”

RandallFlagg

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?




Aye...matey!

snakemanStoo

Jokes about white sugar are rare.  Jokes about brown sugar : demerara  

mudslide73

What do you call a man with a raincoat on? Mack.

Two raincoats? 
Max

Two raincoats standing next to a cemetery? 
Max Bygraves

Deadman

I called my pub the other day and got Marg the landlady on the other end.

"Hi Marg, I just wanna check, do you serve Cummins?"

"Eee Cummins love, now what's that?"

"It's cider Marg".

"Eee I'm not sure love, let me ask Bob.Bob! Bob! Do we serve Cummins cider?"

"Cummins cider?"

"Yes Cummins cider".

"No".

"No love we don't serve Cummins cider"

"Ah right......Have you got any Dickens?".

"What's that love?"

"It's cider Marg"

"Bob. Do we have any Dickens cider?"

"No".

"No love we don't serve Dickens cider"

"Well thanks for that anyway Marg. Bye"

"Bye love".

Flink_Poyd

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. 

Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"

spark240

Dog limps into cowboy saloon.....says Im looking for the man that shot ma paw...

proggy

A coachload of blues musicians has overturned on the M1.

Expect lengthy jams.

EricTheWeary

A friend of mine has two tickets for the best Formula 1 race of the season, the Monaco Grand Prix on the weekend of the 26th - 28th May.

They are box seats and include a full hospitality package and parking for a motorhome in a sea facing premier pitch. It also includes a guided tour of the pit lane on race day.

He didn't realise when he bought them that unfortunately this is the same day as his wedding.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him  ...  it's at St Margaret's church Lytham at 2.15pm on the 27th.

Her name is Janet  ....  She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Nitefly

"Waiter!  What's this?"

"It's bean soup, Sir."

"Yes, but what is it now?"

richardhomer

My son came home very upset that his form tutor had been sacked because he had a lazy eye.

Aparently he couldn't keep control of his pupils....

Fretwired

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot

Bellycaster

I hate Russian Dolls, they're so full of themselves.

GSPBASSES

CHECK UP

 

An 86 year old man went to his Doctor for his quarterly check up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, the 86 year old said “things are great I have never felt better”. I have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute then began to tell a story.

“I have an old friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season”

One day, he was in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared the lake, he come across a very large beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realised he had left his gun at home so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, took aim at the animal as if it was his favourite hunting rifle and went BANG BANG!!!

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the Beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think that? Asked the doctor

The 86-year-old replied “logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds in to the beaver”

The doctor replied “my point exactly”

Bridgehouse

What did the slug say to the snail?


"Big Issue?"

DarnWeight

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers.

GSPBASSES

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked,

"Two full hours?

Wow!

That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: 

 

 

"I wiped my hands on the curtains."