Funerals

digitalscream

So...my aunt died a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral's today. This is causing me problems.

First, I never seem to react to humans dying with anywhere near the same intensity as when one of our pets moves on...I do sort of wonder if this is something a bit broken there, probably related to my social ineptitude. Which, really, leads on to the more pertinent and immediate problem...

...I'm fine (ish) with modern funerals where it's supposed to be a celebration and everybody's swapping happy stories and stuff. This one, however, is a traditional funeral with everyone being somber and...I know I'm going to spend the whole time paranoid that said lack of social skills is going to end up with me offending one or more people. The issue is that her side of the family don't really know me and aren't likely to take my particular flavour of accidentally inappropriate comment (primarily injecting humour whenever things are a bit uncomfortable) very well.

Really dreading this

boogieman

Act subdued and respectful at the funeral. Save the jokes for the wake. That's what happens most of the time anyway. 

Jalapeno

boogieman said:

Act subdued and respectful at the funeral. Save the jokes for the wake. That's what happens most of the time anyway. 

This.

When in doubt keep schtum, have some free booze and eat the sandwiches.

octatonic

Pretend you have a bad flu and have lost your voice.

guitarfishbay

Just keep quiet and save the jokes for another time. It's one day about the person who has passed away, I don't think people spend energy on comparing levels of grief so don't worry about that.

thomasross20

+1 to all above!

JezWynd

Jalapeno said:

boogieman said:

Act subdued and respectful at the funeral. Save the jokes for the wake. That's what happens most of the time anyway. 

This.

When in doubt keep schtum, have some free booze and eat the sandwiches.

Maybe avoid the booze?

Good luck, I'm sure it will be fine.

PolarityMan

digitalscream said:

First, I never seem to react to humans dying with anywhere near the same intensity as when one of our pets moves on...I do sort of wonder if this is something a bit broken there, probably related to my social ineptitude. Which, really, leads on to the more pertinent and immediate problem...

I don't think that's weird, especially for a distant and possible elderly relation. The reason is I think is 2-fold. firstly I guess you spend more time with your pets than your Aunt so they are a much closer part of your family. Secondly you are directly responsible for the Pets well being, and at least when I have experienced the loss of a pet as well there's a huge element of guilt wrapped up in the grief where you think "if only I could have saved them etc".

axisus

Just stay in the background, it's pretty easy at a funeral. I hate funerals, I'm too emotional

guitarfishbay

Honestly you can't be that bad...

It was my g/f's mum's funeral last year. Her dad's mum is 'of a different era' shall we say... there was an unintentionally funny moment where after the service she came up to me and said "I've worked out who you remind me of - you look like my Jew friend". Every time I meet her she seems to ask if I'm Muslim or Jewish, or "are weddings different in your culture"... no, I've only ever lived in the U.K. but I usually have a beard so I guess that confuses some older people.

 Later at the wake she came up to me saying she'd spoken to my dad at the service (who is from the Middle East) and said she'd told him the same thing. I phoned my dad, who couldn't attend the wake, and he said she'd come up to him and asked what church he attended (he was raised Christian FWIW) then said "oh, but you look like a Jew". He found it funny... Even my g/f found that funny in an obviously quite inappropriate way... I don't think you'll be anywhere near that bad.

CabbageCat

PolarityMan said:

digitalscream said:

First, I never seem to react to humans dying with anywhere near the same intensity as when one of our pets moves on...I do sort of wonder if this is something a bit broken there, probably related to my social ineptitude. Which, really, leads on to the more pertinent and immediate problem...

I don't think that's weird, especially for a distant and possible elderly relation. The reason is I think is 2-fold. firstly I guess you spend more time with your pets than your Aunt so they are a much closer part of your family. Secondly you are directly responsible for the Pets well being, and at least when I have experienced the loss of a pet as well there's a huge element of guilt wrapped up in the grief where you think "if only I could have saved them etc".

Also, I think pets are much more part of ourselves than people. We don't know how a dog or cat or hamster feels or thinks so we project human-style feelings and thoughts onto them. When a pet dies it's like a part of ourselves dies as well.

I've never cried at a person dying but I have cried at pets.

ESBlonde

Funerals are for the living, you can do nothing for the dead now. Respect the family and be lead by thier example. Your Aunt knew you as you and wouldn't have been offended by your actions I'm sure.
I too find myself being aloof and cold at most funerals, it's just how I get by. I'm there to support others.

ourmaninthenorth

Everyone will be too busy worrying about their own thing to even cast a glance in your direction..trust me. 

Just be yourself..after all, who the fuck else can you be?

It'll be over before you know it. 

TheBlueWolf

If in doubt, don't say anything

I'd follow the herd in being polite and respectful, but you shouldn't feel obligated to keep talking. If asked just say you're reflecting on life etc

digitalscream

All done, and it was fine. I generally let my wife do the talking, and when I couldn't do that I hung around with my siblings and my cousin (same age as me). Phenomenal turnout - the church was absolutely packed. Nobody realised how many people she knew!

tone1

Do this, yes definitely do this^ 

VimFuego

digitalscream said:

All done, and it was fine. I generally let my wife do the talking, and when I couldn't do that I hung around with my siblings and my cousin (same age as me). Phenomenal turnout - the church was absolutely packed. Nobody realised how many people she knew!

there was a huge funeral in our village down here in devon, weren't the same one was it?!?

strtdv

You English take your time over burying people. Here it would be done the same week.