In the vein of this:
I found one for drummers here:
DRUMMERS (sic – DLM )
REAL NAME: _______________________________
(other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "Biff "... etc.)
-Setup / Equipment Offenses-
Brings a 36" bass drum - $25
Has more than one bass drum - $100.
Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) - $50.
Brings more than 2 mounted toms - $25.
Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms - $50.
Brings more than one floor tom - $25.
Uses extra floor tom for ashtray & drink holder - $75
Brings more than two crash cymbals - $25.
Doesn't bring a ride cymbal - $250.
Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings) - $75.
Brings two timpani (for really big endings) - $100.
Doesn't own any brushes - $300.
Owns brushes but can't play them - $500
Has a hi-hat that is welded shut - $250.
Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones - $200.
Asks Guitarist for help with unloading drums - $150
Wears dirty white Nike sneakers on tux gig - $50.
Tunes snare drum during the benediction - $175.
Tunes snare drum - $10
Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust" - $150.
Pretends to read chart with big band - $25.
Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note) -$200.
Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday" - $1000.
Plays disco beat on "A Train" - $200.
Plays shuffle on "Mustang Sally" - $100
Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake" - $100.
Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5" - $25.
Actually tries to play on "Take 5" - $150.
Asks leader what brushes are - $250.
Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks - $50.
Plays blastbeats during "Johnny B. Goode" - $500
Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future - $100.
Is first in line at the party's buffet -$50.
Asks where the "to go bags" are at the buffet line -$100.
Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters" - $50.
Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters" - $25.
Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"- $150.
Is ten minutes late for the next set - $25.
Is twenty minutes late for the next set - $10.
Never shows up for the next set - $1.
Wears Slipknot makeup for band photo shoot - Dismissal
Excessive Sweating - $5000
Warming up on "60 Ways..." or "Roseanna." - $50
LISTENING to Roseanna, even in private with headphones on. - $50
Extends solo in Zep's "Rock & Roll" to 10 minutes - $1000
Bringing a megakit to a multiband gig. - $100
Breaking that kit down on stage after your shitty set. - $250
Extra logo stickers on bass drum head - $75 each.
Stick holders - $10
Drumming Shoes - $100
Drumming gloves - Dismissal
Double pedals - $500
USING the double pedals. - Dismissal
Wearing Zildjian T-shirt onstage. - $50
Roto toms. - $50 each
Extra deep kicks and toms. - $50 each
Glow in the dark drumsticks - $500
Asks keyboard player about GED test - $150
Hits on singer's girlfriend - $5
Hits on clubowner's wife - $1000
Can't spell "Rhythm" - Confiscation of drumset
Admires Neil Peart - Public humiliation
Idolizes Neil Peart - Hammond B3 cartage duty (18 months)
Stalks Neil Peart - Canadian Prison sentence
Cymbals mounted over 4 ft. in height - $100 each
Cracks Dad's vintage Istanbul K. ride at Death Metal festival - Execution
RokkenWrap usage - $100 per drum
Accomodates soundman with BD port - Band meeting
Brown-noses soundman - Dismissal
Brings extra splash cymbals (Just in case) - $50 each
Asks bassist to move amp so third floortom will fit onstage - $50 (per Sq. Ft.)
TOTAL FINE DUE $_________