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lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717
I didn’t want to post anything about this. But, I feel compelled to pass on the message that we just don’t know what others are dealing with. What sort of journey they’ve been on, how hard has it been for them, how have they coped mentally?

Yesterday evening, my neighbour tried to take his own life in a very public manner. It was an awful site but we got him onto the grass, covered him in blankets and waited for the emergency services to arrive.

If you have any neighbours, friends or family who you know are vulnerable or perhaps struggle from time to time please, pick up the phone and make sure they’re okay. The tell tale signs were there but my wife and I failed to see them until it was too late. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. 

For the record... It appears that even though he’s in intensive care, he’ll pull through. We did what we could and it worked.

My own main issue is my 3 children saw most of the proceedings and last night was pretty bad with them. I spent today in a daze tbh... I’ve only just come around this evening.

It was a life changing moment for me. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of knowing that while you’re trying to smash a door in to get access to the house a man is dying In front of you.

No one is invincible. Given a bad enough situation this could be any one of us.

For god sake, treat each other with some respect and care. We all deserve to be happy. 


*pardon the thread title, I had no idea what to type*

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  • KeefyKeefy Frets: 64
    edited June 14
    Don't beat yourself up about missing 'the signs'. In another story nearly 40 years ago, I was the neighbour, and as far as I know, there were no 'signs'.

    I'm sorry your kids had to see a distressing and awful sight. I think the more open you are with them, the better they will deal with it. Little ones will be fascinated for a while and then go off and play with their Paw Patrol pups; older ones will appreciate your honesty.

    /2p

    EDIT: And kudos to you for intervening and making a crucial difference.
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  • FunkfingersFunkfingers Frets: 2793
    You are likely to feel detached for a few days.

    In the meantime, your children are going to seek answers to some difficult questions. Some of these, you will not be able to furnish. No shame in admitting that you have no clear cut explanation. 
    I fear the Geeks, even when they bear GIFs.
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  • richardhomerrichardhomer Frets: 17948
    Sounds like you - and others - did a sterling job in harrowing circumstances. Respect to you.
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  • lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717
    @keefy totally mate. It was only when my wife said to me today “I noticed the clothes line in his garden was missing” coupled with the barricaded doors (been like that for a few weeks now) that it all clicked. But we’ve tried to not blame ourselves. It’s still not easy though. 

    @Funkfingers the kids seems to be “okay” this evening but my wife and I didn’t speak much today. Not because we didn’t want to, but how do you communicate after what happened. Hopefully tomorrow will be better 
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  • lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717
    Thank you @richardhomer . It took a good 10 if us and thank frig there were a couple of bigger lads there to help (not going into details but at 5’8 I was a little short for what was required). 


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  • FunkfingersFunkfingers Frets: 2793
    lonestar said:
    how do you communicate after what happened.
    Just over seven years ago, several of my work colleagues were killed in a refinery fire/explosion. The first day back at work was strangely quiet.

    lonestar said:
    Hopefully tomorrow will be better 
    Yup. Give it time.

    lonestar said:
    my neighbour tried to take his own life in a very public manner.
    Parasuicide.

    People who make an exhibition of themselves in this manner seek attention.

    People who sincerely want to terminate themselves go to great lengths to make certain that nobody can stop them. 


    I fear the Geeks, even when they bear GIFs.
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  • lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717

    Parasuicide.

    People who make an exhibition of themselves in this manner seek attention.

    People who sincerely want to terminate themselves go to great lengths to make certain that nobody can stop them. 


    My wife came running around to the workshop, I couldn’t hear too well as I had the buffer on. She said something just went through the first floor window next door out the front....

    Had this all happened out the back where the workshop is I wouldn’t have seen or heard a thing. Simply due to the noise I was making. I had a brief thought that it was a cry for help but he had also made it very difficult to get to him. There are a lot of issues here, I hope he will get the right help now. He’s been suffering for too long.

    If he is allowed home I have been thinking about trying to get him out and about rather than sitting in all day smoking.
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  • blobbblobb Frets: 779

    People who sincerely want to terminate themselves go to great lengths to make certain that nobody can stop them. 

    Yup, school friend of mine put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Silly bugger. We were a small school community, everyone knew each other really well. A week before he had asked one of the girls to go out with him, she politely declined. That wasn't the reason he did it but she was in bits for a long time. There is really no precedent for this type of thing, each situation is different and no one can ever relate to the particular episode you are part of. It helps if those involved are given time and opportunity to talk to each other, but time is the only healer. Don't bottle it in, don't try to be 'brave'. Let it out.

    We planted a tree, it's still there and we all go visit it from time to time.

    Feelin' Reelin' & Squeelin'
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  • RockerRocker Frets: 2574
    @lonestar well done for what you did for your neighbour.
    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. [Albert Einstein]

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  • StrangefanStrangefan Frets: 2598
    Bloody brillaint post, you are a good man,  And you should feel proud of what you did . respect
    www.deadhappyband.com
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  • bodhibodhi Frets: 855
    Stepping up to the plate in a time of crisis is indeed something you should be proud of.  Hats off to you.

    Years ago, a very good family friend hanged her three little boys, and then herself, from a rafter in their kitchen.  It haunts me to this day that for some reason she didn't ask for help, and that no-one recognised whatever signs there may have been - but no-one did.  Awful, awful thing is suicide.
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  • markslade07markslade07 Frets: 307
    Shit....really don't know what to say, but well done to you and your neighbours for helping in what must have been an awful situation. As others have said, don't bottle it up, and if it helps to vent on here...feel free!
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  • Modulus_AmpsModulus_Amps Frets: 426
    I don't know if it is just part of getting older or a sign of the times, but I am increasingly hearing of suicides of "normal" people, a number of old work colleagues etc.

    @lonestar well done, sorry you and yours now have to deal with the trauma of it.
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  • LuttiSLuttiS Frets: 693
    As you say hindsight is a wonderful thing..

    I think MH is slowly becoming bit less of a stigmata these days, but being able to do something about it is still the tricky bit, hopefully someone here will have read your post and had a think about those around them, or even themselves. 

    Hope you and your family are ok, will pass in time, talking will help, even if its to vent about something completely non related and irrelevant. 
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  • BoromedicBoromedic Frets: 711
    edited June 15
    @lonestar , fair play to you mate for doing what you could, it's an extraordinary thing to have to process but just take your time, and please don't shift any blame or shame onto yourself for not noticing before. Your neighbour probably hid it well enough by the sounds of it. Then he may just have snapped and thought feck it. If he's in ITU he's given it a damn good go, and it doesn't sound like a cry for help to me, and that's kind of a misnomer anyway really. 

    Fingers crossed he gets the help he needs now and at least you are aware of his situation as his neighbour now. Also if it's taking its toll on you, then please go and talk to someone yourself, outside of family and those close to you. Stuff like this can have a long lasting effect on you, it's always better to share than let it fester. Sounds like your already there though by posting on here, good on you and take care dude.

    P.s. Kids are extraordinarily resilient with stuff like this and there's been some good advice already above. Just talk to them and be honest I think, that's what I would do anyway.

    .....and what to my wondering eyes should appear.....      nothing.......


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  • guitars4youguitars4you Frets: 3928
    So hard to see such potential dangers and issues - I heard a story this week of a single lonely old man that had died at home, in our town - No one knew - He went to the local Costa Coffee everyday before 12 noon - missed 2/3 days so a member of staff questioned this - Cut a long story short, staff + police went to the house and he was lying in the hall way dead - No one knew - Neighbours never saw or suspected anything

    Sterling work by yourself and your wife - Hope the kids come out of this okay with no fear factor or bad dreams
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  • mikeyrob73mikeyrob73 Frets: 1777
    Shit man, what a terrible thing to go through. I had it 5 years ago with my mate spud, we coached kids  football together, and on the Saturday i could see he wasn't himself, we were both going through a rough time with our marriages. We finished training and i said to him "you alright pal, you look a bit down, if you want to go for a pint later for a chat drop me a text" he replied " go for a pint, more likely top myself " then laughed,my reply was " dont talk daft man". That was on the Saturday, on the Sunday night he walked out of his house into his garage and hung himself. 5 years later it still eats me every single day that i didn't try harder , we pretty much laughed off his comment as just spud being spud. On Monday i got home from work and my wife told me my marriage was over, 5 minutes later my phone rang to tell me what spud had done. 
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  • BoromedicBoromedic Frets: 711
    Fuckin hell @mikeyrob73 that's a dreadful set of circumstances to go through mate. Glad you are able to share and talk about it, hope you're okay.

    .....and what to my wondering eyes should appear.....      nothing.......


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  • mikeyrob73mikeyrob73 Frets: 1777
    @Boromedic ;
    it was 5 years ago, i have beat myself up everyday since that i couldnt do more to help my mate but and am now divorced from the ex wife and living very happily with a great woman so that side of it has worked out for the best. that was possibly the worst Monday of all time though 
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  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 15364
    edited June 15
    @lonestar .. well done for helping your neighbour. Hopefully he will pull through and get the help he needs.

    Unfortunately this is common. I'm a trustee of a charity setup after three players at my old rugby club committed suicide. Everyone thought they were fine and nobody saw the signs. It was devastating for their families and the players and coaches at the club.

    Having had some basic training the signs were there to see .. the charity provides a 24/7 hotline with professional support and counselling to people at the club and what surprised us is the number of calls we got. The charity has managed to help a number of people (more than we imagined) so we decided to talk to other clubs. One near by had lost four players in 18 months to suicide.

    The RFU has taken the model we created into the pro game and unsurprisingly they have found issues. Our scheme is being rolled out to other rugby clubs and we have plans to offer it to other organisations outside rugby.

    Suicide is the biggest killer of young men in the UK. One of my best friends from school son committed suicide 18 months ago. He was at university - again nobody saw the signs.

    We have a fundraising festival tomorrow with lots of rock bands, food, beer to raise money and awareness. The NHS has cut mental health provision so it is hard to get help. I do have a list of organisations that do amazing work should anyone need it.

    And there's now evidence that too much time on social media has an effect on young people and can make them suicidal. Keep an eye on your kids.
    My pump-action drivel gun is smoking hot today!
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  • BoromedicBoromedic Frets: 711
    edited June 15
    @mikeyrob73 ;I'm not surprised it was the worst Monday ever, worst day ever I think, it sounds like it was awful. Fair play to you for moving on and finding your feet and a great partner. Go easy on yourself with the other though mate, it's never anyone's fault, if someone is determined there is very little anyone could ever do to prevent it.

    .....and what to my wondering eyes should appear.....      nothing.......


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  • 57Deluxe57Deluxe Frets: 5406
    My neighbour attempts to take his own life publically monthly when he tries to assert his 20 odd stone, lilly pinked carcus around behind a lawn mower...
    <Vintage BOSS Upgrades>
    __________________________________
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  • goldtopgoldtop Frets: 798
    About 8 years ago, I found my neighbour hanging from a tree one morning. I saw him as I opened the curtains and knew straightaway, but it was a bit surreal, and I tried to convince myself he was fine and just looking up into the tree at birds/squirrels. Then I called the police.

    I'd only recently moved into the house and he'd been one of the few people to pop round and introduce himself. Nice chap, seemed positive in his early years of retirement, but - it's thought - he couldn't deal with the stresses of his wife's long-term post-stroke condition. I rushed around thinking it might have been a murder-suicide, but she was fine and oblivious to what had happened. It was the first time I'd met her.

    As you say, the feeling that I could/should have done something lingers. In my case, I'm 99% sure that during the night I heard the clatter of the stepladder as he would have kicked it away. I sometimes think how alone he must have been feeling. Despite quite some wealth and grown-up kids, he just couldn't have a conversation about not coping or arranging live-in care for his wife. He just took this way out. No cry for help, just fatal determination.

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  • robwrightrobwright Frets: 557
    You saved the guys life - incredible and clearly life-changing. That’s the bit to focus on. I am sure there was nothing you could have done to stop it happening but you were there when needed. You are clearly a very good person and you and your family now need some time to process what has happened. 



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  • soma1975soma1975 Frets: 302
    My next door neighbour took his life 12 months ago. Spent the morning playing acoustic guitar and at a predetermined time (anniversary of his child's death 20 years prior) hanged himself. 

    He'd reached out a few times and was having counselling for his depression but was just so desperately unhappy. I spoke to him a couple of times - Had only lived there a 18 months - but to be honest I selfishly felt I already had an overloaded boat of people I emotionally try to keep afloat at the time, plus a newborn baby. I often wonder if I could have been there for him and if I could have made a difference but in all reality at best I could maybe have delayed what he was always going to do. 

    I'm not positive that intense and justified sadness lasting 20 years is the same as having a mental illness. He tried everything and felt it was the only avenue open to him to stop the pain. 

    Poor fucker. 
    My Trade Feedback Thread is here

    Been uploading old tracks I recorded ages ago and hopefully some new noodles here.
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  • lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717
    57Deluxe said:
    My neighbour attempts to take his own life publically monthly when he tries to assert his 20 odd stone, lilly pinked carcus around behind a lawn mower...
    Poor, really poor...
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  • ChalkyChalky Frets: 5099
    Increasing awareness of suicide signs is a good thing, but suicide is a very complex area, and there is a danger of over-simplifying it, trying to get it down to ''if someone does this and that then may be suicidal'.

    But sometimes there are no usable signs.  Sometimes, a person has maintained an image for so long that no one could have sensibly foretold their actions.


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  • EricTheWearyEricTheWeary Frets: 6814
    When I was a student we had a guest lecturer on deviance, one of the few things I remember from my studies. He talked about suicide and para suicide although the division isn’t that clear.  I mentioned on here a while ago about MrsTheWeary finding a chap on our local park who was in the process of taking an overdose and she helped him, called the ambulance,etc.  Was that a cry for help and if so he was taking a gamble that anyone would walk by/ intervene. Her friend found a chap who’d hung himself on their local park, might have been para suicide gone wrong. 

    So hard to see such potential dangers and issues - I heard a story this week of a single lonely old man that had died at home, in our town - No one knew - He went to the local Costa Coffee everyday before 12 noon - missed 2/3 days so a member of staff questioned this - Cut a long story short, staff + police went to the house and he was lying in the hall way dead - No one knew - Neighbours never saw or suspected anything

    Sterling work by yourself and your wife - Hope the kids come out of this okay with no fear factor or bad dreams

    Something on the radio this week about the increasing automisation of supermarkets. One of the arguments against it was that shop staff provide a back stop social service - that conversation with the woman on the till at Tesco might be their only conversation all day. Very sad but very true. I went into a Costa during the period I was being treated for depression and I obviously looked like shit and the young woman behind the counter there went out of her way to make sure I was okay. A genuine act of kindness. 

    [ FWIW during that same period I was posting on here about pedals n stuff and a regular member decided it was okay to have a bit of a rant at me over something and that upset me greatly. Whilst I am a grown man and a stranger on the internet having a rant over my grammar ( really) is a bunch of nonsense but on that day I took it badly. If you are going to be a shit to someone on the internet perhaps remember there is another person at the end of it. Having just read TTony’s Discussion about taking a break from the forum maybe it’s a timely thought ]

    And +1 on the last bit g4y. I hope all is as well as can be in the Lonestar household. 


    I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence of God’s genuine cold-filtered grace. 
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  • BigMonkaBigMonka Frets: 1496
    @lonestar a week on how are you and your kids getting on?
    Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman, in which case always be Batman.
    My boss told me "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"... now I'm sat in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
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  • lonestarlonestar Frets: 1717
    BigMonka said:
    @lonestar a week on how are you and your kids getting on?
    Hi mate, thank you for asking. I think we’re okay now. I’ve stopped reliving it in my head and I can walk past the front of the house without having the feeling that I’m about to vomit everywhere. I was as tight as a drum last Wednesday night. 

    The kids have stopped referencing it although it was actually our youngest who had the biggest problem with what happened.

    Thank you as well to those who commented, in sorry I haven’t had the time to reply to you all. I’m so busy from 5am every day that I just didn’t get the time to respond but I have read everything.
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