Nightmare best mate situation occuring ...

Travisthedog

My best mate and godfather to my daughter walked out on his beautiful funny, Intellectual, sweet wife of 10 years  and 2 beautiful daughters a few months ago.

I was gobsmacked.

I know he's doing another bird a few counties away (his first love as it happens)  I've told him I think he's a spineless bastard, I've met his wife recently (who's best buds with Mrs T) and she is shattered by the whole thing - literally broken. She has no idea why he walked out other than the "it's not you it's me" bollocks he fed her.

How can I stay mates with a bloke who's lying to his daughters and his wife and how do I stay silent when his wife asks me if I know what's going on.

I'm in such a shit ass position here 

Bridgehouse

Do you still value his friendship after his actions? If so, tell him you won’t lie for him and they are the terms of your friendship moving forward.

Winny_Pooh

Wow.

Your loyalty is to your mate ultimately. The wife will find out in time, and if she doesn't you should encourage your friend to be honest seeing as it's been a few months now. A wife and two kids is no party and comes with it's stresses, I can barely manage just a wife so I'd not criticise him yet. Maturity is hard won and the lack of it isn't something you could help with right now. It's possible you are also seeing a disappointing side of him that was there all along or shocks if it's relatable.

However, don't get in the middle. They may yet get back together once he gets over his Rabbit, Run phase (stranger things have happened) and his wife way actually deep down prefer to be none the wiser. 

ICBM

Bridgehouse said:

Do you still value his friendship after his actions? If so, tell him you won’t lie for him and they are the terms of your friendship moving forward.

This.

And after that, if his wife knows you well enough to ask you directly then tell her. She will find out eventually from someone else, and if you don’t you’ll only delay and increase the inevitable pain when she does, as well as making yourself look dishonest for taking his side.

That isn’t being caught in the middle, it’s the exact opposite - it’s getting out of the way of a car crash. Lying to one party is being caught in the middle.

guitarfishbay

Don’t envy this at all. Does your wife know and what does she think you should do?

Travisthedog

guitarfishbay said:

Don’t envy this at all. Does your wife know and what does she think you should do?

No she doesn't know about the knobbing about which makes it even worse for me as now I'm lying to her

BloodEagle

Dont lie to your wife for your mate - could make things very sticky further down the line, and you dont have to live with your mate

Travisthedog

Which of course drags my missis into the whole sorry affair

roundthebend

I had a similar situation. A close friend of mine went AWOL after applying with his wife, who we liked a lot. He joked up with a work colleague, got married to her, then appeared back on the scene just as that was heading to divorce. Then he tried to tempt my younger sister away from her husband. He did it right under my nose but without coming clean about it.

At that point I realised what kind of person he is, and my loyalty to him ended immediately. I told him to stop being a dick and that I needed to think hard about whether I need his type of hassle in my life. Time has passed and it seems I don't feel any urge to get back in touch with him, he is no longer of any interest to me.

I also told my sister I thought she was being unfair to her husband. If you are splitting up with someone then do it, but don't wait for some greener grass to walk on first. Plus, I've noticed a trend to my ex-husband mates relationships so I pointed out she was naive to think he was worth pursuing.

Glad to report she came to her senses, and we get on really well.

And the ex-mate hooked up with someone else a week later. Twat.

roundthebend

The moral of the story is "be transparent, open, honest, truthful. If people don't like what they hear, it's just the truth and not your fault. Save yourself the grief."

Travisthedog

I should also add I work with this chap. He's on my team

tone1

Travisthedog said:

I should also add I work with this chap. He's on my tea.

Never trust a chap who steals your tea...

ICBM

Travisthedog said:

No she doesn't know about the knobbing about which makes it even worse for me as now I'm lying to her

*Really* don’t do that.

Bridgehouse

Mate - your wife and your integrity are worth more than any friendship. If he can’t see that then his friendship isn’t worth as much as either of you might think it is. 

You just need to tell him that you can’t lie for him - at the end of the day he did the deed not you - you shouldn’t have to suffer for his actions - and if he thinks otherwise then he’s being incredibly selfish and self centred.

Personally I think he needs to man the fuck up and tell the truth - for him, for his ex, for his daughters, and for you not to have to be in this position 

Travisthedog

Yep I can't agree more with that @Bridgehouse ;

underdog

Don't lie for him, but at the same time maybe he just wasn't happy where he was, so don't judge him for leaving either 

We only get one life maybe he felt his was happier with the other woman, you can't make yourself love someone that you don't, no matter how much you wish you could 

I think as a friend encourage him to come clean with his wife, and try and coach him through whenever he needs it.

WezV

your mate may be acting a dick, be clear you don’t approve.  But I assume he is a mate for a reason and it’s worth remembering that and trying to stay judgement free.

 I would also assume he has some stuff going on that he hasn’t spoken to anyone about yet.  You never know what’s going on behind closed doors, or in the head of a bloke that has chosen not to talk to anyone so far.

it sounds like you don’t know enough to tell his wife anyway.  

i would consider seeing if your mate needs a drink.  Not to gather info though, there is a chance he needs it more than you realise

or, he is just a git.  A drink will confirm it for you either way.

Snags

What @bridgehouse said - none of this "bros before hoes" bullshit. At the end of the day it sounds like you're going to need to maintain a functional relationship with both him (for work if not friendship) and his wife (for MrsTtheD's sake). Being available for someone and not withdrawing your friendship is not the same as covering for them or enabling them.

richardhomer

Everyone can behave ‘badly’ - but you don’t have to be complicit. No one should require dishonesty from a friend - he’s out of order....

Bridgehouse

I agree with the “there might be more to it” sentiment - and it’s a valid point. 

But at the end of the day he has either lied to his ex about his reasons for going, or not been clear. That’s his responsibility rightly or wrongly, and not yours - especially if it might affect your relationship with MrsTTD

ToneControl

it's rarely possible to be certain why someone else's marriage ends, so best not to demonise anyone. 
Don't be lying to cover it up though, that will poison things for you.

We knew a woman who went out on the mummy's night out at primary school in the village, got hammered and went back with some fella she met and did the deed, and made sure her husband found out - that's some people's tactic for burning their bridges, but I don't know what prompted that.

I know someone else who started cheating, turned out they had not had sex for years. I have heard lots of variations on these stories. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?

Tell your wife now btw, bit of a time bomb there otherwise