Respect earned.

Gassage

I was just musing this...

As a few know, I lost my Dad over the weekend, after a prolonged struggle with dementia and strokes.

I was talking to Thorpy this morning about stuff in general....

since my Dad passed, a few people mentioned ‘oh he was your step dad, wasn’t he?’

It led Adrian and I to discuss that when someone points out their title, rank or role to remind you that they are your superior, they have lost the battle already and you are never going to respect them

not once did Norm ask me to call him Dad. I considered him so because of how he acted toward me, how he treated me and Mum and never because he demanded or asked me to call him my dad.

And that is, IMO, exactly how it should be.

munckee

Sorry to hear about you losing him. I am a firm believer that mum and dad are roles not genetics positions. Sounds like he was a good one. 

Strat_a_tat_tat

Yes... we should all judge people by who they are and how they behave... not by their title, social position or wealth. As you say, respect is earned - not demanded or bought.
Hope you and your mum are getting through these tough times.

Gassage

Strat_a_tat_tat said:

Yes... we should all judge people by who they are and how they behave... not by their title, social position or wealth. As you say, respect is earned - not demanded or bought.
Hope you and your mum are getting through these tough times.

Yeah, first day in office today....weird

Brize

Nice post James - wis'd.

underdog

As a long term step father it's good hear the story from the other side, so thank you. Sympathy for your loss man, hope you're doing as well as can be expected.

sweepy

The role of Dad/Father is earned, it’s not a case of biology and when one passes, their true worth and impact becomes even more apparent, my condolencies, it does get easier but never goes away completely .

Gassage

sweepy said:

The role of Dad/Father is earned, it’s not a case of biology and when one passes, their true worth and impact becomes even more apparent, my condolencies, it does get easier but never goes away completely .

So true. Thx man.

Heartfeltdawn

Gassage said:

I was just musing this...

As a few know, I lost my Dad over the weekend, after a prolonged struggle with dementia and strokes.

I was talking to Thorpy this morning about stuff in general....

since my Dad passed, a few people mentioned ‘oh he was your step dad, wasn’t he?’

It led Adrian and I to discuss that when someone points out their title, rank or role to remind you that they are your superior, they have lost the battle already and you are never going to respect them

not once did Norm ask me to call him Dad. I considered him so because of how he acted toward me, how he treated me and Mum and never because he demanded or asked me to call him my dad.

And that is, IMO, exactly how it should be.

Condolences on your loss, James. 

Currently I parent my partner's two kids. When I moved in last November, I told them both that I was never going to be Daddy, father, stepfather, or anything like that. They could call me what they wanted (IT technician became the nom de plume as I'm the one who fixes the devices when they crash or break) but not things like that. Father and Mother is a genetic role: anything else should be given a suitable title. Guardian suits me fine. 

It therefore irks me when their idiotic father says things like "If you don't stop messing around, then I'll get Andy to be your daddy". It betrays the weakness of his mind and patience. 

viz

Sorry to hear your sad news. Viz

scrumhalf

Condolences, Gas.

I've always thought that "father" is a biological term whereas "dad" is more of a relationship thing.

When alzheimers took my mother a few years back one of my friends said something which I thought was spot on. "Your mother died, your mum went a few years ago".

Chalky

scrumhalf said:

Condolences, Gas.

When alzheimers took my mother a few years back one of my friends said something which I thought was spot on. "Your mother died, your mum went a few years ago".

Same here. I can tell you the date she stopped breathing but I can't tell you when she 'went'.  She faded away over several years.  Its quite a strange feeling, not knowing when she left my life.

Gassage

Chalky said:

scrumhalf said:

Condolences, Gas.

When alzheimers took my mother a few years back one of my friends said something which I thought was spot on. "Your mother died, your mum went a few years ago".

Same here. I can tell you the date she stopped breathing but I can't tell you when she 'went'.  She faded away over several years.  Its quite a strange feeling, not knowing when she left my life.

It was strange with Norm. He’d not know what day it was and he’d believe he was in a different world but if you asked him who won the Open in 1969 he’d tell you right away. 

Chalky

Gassage said:

Chalky said:

scrumhalf said:

Condolences, Gas.

When alzheimers took my mother a few years back one of my friends said something which I thought was spot on. "Your mother died, your mum went a few years ago".

Same here. I can tell you the date she stopped breathing but I can't tell you when she 'went'.  She faded away over several years.  Its quite a strange feeling, not knowing when she left my life.

It was strange with Norm. He’d not know what day it was and he’d believe he was in a different world but if you asked him who won the Open in 1969 he’d tell you right away. 

About 6 weeks before she died, she got out of bed and came into the living room where Dad has just cooked some cod, mash and peas. She said she was famished and sat down and ate his dinner.  She said how tasty the food was and told me to eat mine up like a good boy.  She asked Dad where his dinner was and he said it was still cooking.  I can still see the river of tears down his face.  When she'd eaten a good amount, she sat back and felt tired.  

Then, in moments, she melted away to be bed-ridden and mute, who had to be spoon fed, just as she had been for previous 8 months.  I never believed in "the surge" until I witnessed it for those all too few minutes that day. Never happened again.

Very sorry for your loss Gassage.  

Axe_meister

I had a step dad and am a step dad myself.
I never called my step dad dad, and my step daughter never calls me dad.
Alas my step daughters love has be bought by her real dad (A millionair), he was never around when she needed medical care (she has severe health issues) or emotional support. He didn't even want her in the first place.

octatonic

Fatherhood has nothing to do with what comes out of your balls.

I know more than a few people who had parents who were mostly interested in their own lives rather than the lives of their children.
It is the reason I didn't have children- I knew I simply wasn't interested in being responsible for another person in that way.

It sounds like James' Dad was a fine man and I hope that offers him some degree of comfort.

richardhomer

I lost my ‘real’ Dad when I was 19. He had worked very long hours for most of my life - which has definitely informed my work ethic - he was also a distant, somewhat ‘cold’ character. 

Throughout my childhood, I always had more ‘fun’ with my brother-in-law. He was very funny, was always making things (steam engines, radio controlled boats, etc) and took time to involve me in things he did with his own kids - my sister was 23 years my senior, so her children aren’t much younger than me.

When he died, I was 38 and felt the loss much more than that of my father. Simply - he had played a much greater role in my life....

So I fully get what you’re saying James - he sounds like a diamond - my sincere condolences.

jimkehoe

Sorry to hear of your loss James. I also lost my Dad recently. It leaves a hole.

Gassage

jimkehoe said:

Sorry to hear of your loss James. I also lost my Dad recently. It leaves a hole.

Thanks Jim. Apprc.

boogieman

Strat_a_tat_tat said:

Yes... we should all judge people by who they are and how they behave... not by their title, social position or wealth. As you say, respect is earned - not demanded or bought.

Spot on. I’ve had a stepmother since my early twenties. She’s never shown any interest in my life at all. After my dad died, she cleared the house of every reminder of him (his clothes went to charity literally the day after the funeral). There’s not even a photo of him in the house anywhere. She has never spoken to me since I sorted out probate for her. Not a word to my kids either, never sent them as much as a Xmas card, even though they’re supposedly her grandchildren. I don’t consider her part of my or their life anymore, a vile woman.  

On the other hand I have a stepson through my wife. I treat him as one of my own kids, although I respect I’m not his biological dad and we talk about him. His baby is my grandson as far as I’m concerned. 

Boromedic

Sorry to hear your sad news James, hope you and your mum are doing okay, I echo much of what has been said before and soon the good memories will overrun the bad hopefully. Like others have said anyone can be a father, but it takes someone good to be a Dad, regardless of biology. Take care mate.