girlfriend break up help

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  • mark123mark123 Frets: 1316
    octatonic said:
    Been there, done that.
    2 things to know- this is IMHO of course.

    1) this has nothing to do with you- these types of people will do this with whomever they are with.
    2) It usually isn't worth hanging around whilst they grow up, should they even want to.

    I would be getting out as soon as possible.
    she keeps saying its me my fault ,that i ruin everything 
    says i will end up a sad and lonely old man with nothing 

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  • mark123mark123 Frets: 1316
    And thanks to all for support and wise words it means a lot when you are on your own 
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  • I've been in toxic relationships and felt this was perhaps the best I could do.

    Thankfully by ending such a relationship I gave myself a chance to later meet the most wonderful person ever. I would never have met her if I had "settled" for the toxic relationship. 

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  • poopotpoopot Frets: 9098
    mark123 said:
    And thanks to all for support and wise words it means a lot when you are on your own 
    Read the mail I sent you and drop me a line back... you ain’t in your own pal!...

    what you are describing happens to a shit tonne of blokes... 
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  • rawk100rawk100 Frets: 1757
    I'd rather be lonely than stay with someone I dont like, it's probably easier to sort the loneliness out than change the girlfriends attitude.

    Why?....

    Coz I've been in a similar situation where I stayed with somebody who I knew I'd never want to be with for the rest of my life. In the end we broke up for good (after several breakups) and I was lonely for about a year until I met someone else.

    I'd suggest leaving her for good and finding someone else even if it means a period of loneliness. 
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  • I've been the jealous, controlling person in a relationship. I was young, depressed and had no real confidence. Naturally, she broke up with me. 

    It was the best thing that could have happened, for both of us (probably!). It took time, but I became a much more rounded person and she has gone on to be hugely successful (or so I assume - I actually have no idea). I do know she would have been much, much better off without me though! 

    So I'm in the run away camp. Life is too short, and in my limited experience it was the right call, even if it was a tough pull for me to swallow. 


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  • GrunfeldGrunfeld Frets: 4027
    edited October 2018
    mark123 said:
    she keeps saying its me my fault ,that i ruin everything 
    says i will end up a sad and lonely old man with nothing
    She's describing her own fears, right there. 
    She is scared that she ruins everything and she is scared of her own future of being sad and lonely. 
    And she's desperate to throw that unpleasant bag of her own shit for you to catch.
    Because she absolutely can't stand the possibility that her own behaviour is driving this. 
    She won't see what she's doing -- because the overwhelming emotions of those fears won't let her.
    Basically she needs a therapist; don't try to fix her if you're not one.  And you sound like you would prefer a gf, not a client.
    Good luck.
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  • mudslide73mudslide73 Frets: 3049
    Leave, book loads of gigs in. ;) Some things can't be fixed however you approach them.
    "A city star won’t shine too far"


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  • andy1839andy1839 Frets: 2197
    I'll just echo the sentiments above. 

    It's domestic violence, albeit psychological harm rather than physical.

    The controlling behaviour is, along with things like putting you down infront of others, saying hurtful things etc, all designed to hammer your self esteem and keep going back to the same person because you begin to feel you don't deserve anyone else, or have no one else to turn to.

    These people are very clever in seeking out people that they can do this with and who they can isolate completely.  Those without family, and they'll seek to further isolate you by forbidding you to see friends so you become completely dependent on them.

    You've made the first and most important step in recognising it yourself.

    These kinds of relationships only get worse as time goes on, you must make the break, soon, as it get harder the longer it goes on.

    Learn from it, learn to recognise the signs and if you're ever in the same situation again you'll know to get out early.

    Stay strong, it takes a lot of courage to do it but know you'll be much better off in the long run.

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  • mark123mark123 Frets: 1316
    I've been in toxic relationships and felt this was perhaps the best I could do.

    Thankfully by ending such a relationship I gave myself a chance to later meet the most wonderful person ever. I would never have met her if I had "settled" for the toxic relationship. 
    this gives me hope  =)
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  • You are lonely but she wont make you happy because you are nothing more than a possession who she wants to control. The green eyed monster is not the basis of a lasting loving and trustworthy relationship. Go out and wait til you find someone who deserves you.
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  • I found being with someone who didn't really care about me was a much more lonely experience than being on my own.

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  • VeganicVeganic Frets: 673
    If that's all you have to put up with you are not doing so bad.  :)

    Sounds like you have one issue - her insecurity. Address it. How you do thst is up to you.  There are loads of ways. 

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  • FelineGuitarsFelineGuitars Frets: 11496
    tFB Trader
    Sounds like you are just not standing up for yourself enough. You have to work on that confidence to put her in her place when its called for, instead of letting her get her way all the time. Build up  bit by bit and start taking control, eg arrange a date night entirely yourself and tell her what's going to happen, or make a meal and tell her what she will be having etc, etc. She will either respect you a lot more for being more of a man,  or she will dump you because she is a controlling psycho.  Either way you will have a lot more respect for yourself, and thats the important thing.

    Unless you build up your own confidence it's a problem that you will only take into the next relationship in my opinion.
    My lifelong experience tells me that even if he turns himself into a perfect version of what you describe, he will be spending much of his time and energies in "controlling and guiding" her actions and responses, when actually what he wants is a happy mutually supportive relationship. Either that or it will be VERY explosive for a long while. 
    He isn't (as far as I know ) a psychologist/psychotherapist so would probably be better off seeking a less conflicted existence. 

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  • Paul_CPaul_C Frets: 7671

    Saying it's your fault is classic abusive behaviour.

    If it's any comfort there are loads of crazy women out there, so you're bound to find someone new eventually.



    ;)
    "I'll probably be in the bins at Newport Pagnell services."  fretmeister
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  • TheMarlinTheMarlin Frets: 7744
    Run, don’t walk. Burn those bridges, no room for toxicity. 
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  • AlexCAlexC Frets: 2396
    Presumably you’re a member of a guitar forum because you play guitar and love music? I really don’t see that your life is being with this woman or staring at four walls. You obviously have mates. A job? If your life is a misery from 5.30 pm to 8.30am then there’s no question that you need to end this relationship and find another way to fill those hours. Do something for yourself. I have no idea of your age, but my wife and I didn’t meet and get married until our mid 30s. She’s the most amazing woman in the world to me and for me. So much so that I’ll fight for her life (which, sadly, I’m having to do.)
    End this ‘relationship’ immediately. Gather your thoughts. Play some guitar. Spend some time with your friends and move on.
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  • Run, life is way too short to deal with her insecurities . Being alone is both tough and rewarding but much better than dreading going home to someone your not getting on with and who has no trust and is full of insecurity. 

    There is an awful lot of future infront of you no matter what age you are. As a case in point did a wedding last week for a couple well into their 70’s
    www.maltingsaudio.co.uk
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  • mikeyrob73mikeyrob73 Frets: 4663
    @mark123 are you seeing my ex wife? 

    Get out mate, my ex wife was exactly the same, eventually it ended and I left, broke my heart at the time BUT I was lucky enough to meet a tremendous lass not long after and have been with her ever since. 

    Life is too too short to have these emotional vampires in it, she will suck the life out of you, you will change and become someone your not and it will NEVER be enough for her, leave now and find yourself again. 
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  • mark123mark123 Frets: 1316
    Im 53
    Im not a psychologist
    I live alone we both have our own homes
    my friends have said get out of it 
    I have never experienced anything like it 
    If i'm out and don't answer her call i get voicemail accusing me of torturing her, playing mind games with her ,All because i missed her call and didnt reply in 1 hr. 
    It's not as if i'm out fri/sat/sun every week with the lads ,
    one night every 2 sometimes every 3 weeks ,is that really too much to ask ?

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