Is this normal?

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Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
So, I've recently met a new lass and it all seems to be going well. However, for some unknown reason I'm now constantly worrying that it's all going to go to shit, thinking that it's going too well and that it seems too good to be true.

This just seems like a repeat of every time I've been in this situation, wherein I constantly worry that it's all going to go to shit for no apparent reason. I occasionally have a tendency to seek subtle reassurance at any opportunity and I'm concerned now that all this leads to uncharacteristic behaviour that actually can potentially send things to shit.

It's not just with potential relationships where I worry - I worry about most stuff to be honest - it's just it hits hardest in situations like this and, to be honest, I'm fed up with it now.

Is this normal? Am I overreacting or is this something I should maybe seek help with?

It seems much easier to get this all out on a platform such as this
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  • octatonicoctatonic Frets: 19125
    How old are you?
    I am the juice of four limes.
    Trading Feedback

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  • thecolourboxthecolourbox Frets: 3382
    I think it's something called a self fulfilling prophecy and it's linked to self esteem, as it's something I've experienced frequently also in various walks of life not just in relationships. Others will be better at explaining it or helping with it (as I still do it to an extent now) but I've found that when your find the right person it slowly stops feeling like that. You just have to give it a chance

    Water, come drown me, I'm done

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  • Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
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  • octatonicoctatonic Frets: 19125
    Ben8010 said:
    It is a tricky age because you are technically an adult but you may not yet have the necessary skills to negotiate adulthood, or at least I didn't.

    You have my sympathy and I wouldn't willingly go back to that age (although I'd like to be able to fit into the jeans I wore back then) but I do wish I could tap myself on the shoulder around then and say 'don't worry, it is all going to be fine' though.

    You might also be feeling like by mid 20's that 'things should have happened by now' (again, this is a thought I had around then).

    I would say a couple of things- don't be afraid of binning people or situations if they are not working for you, provided you are looking after yourself in the process.

    Also, any of the moments you feel very acutely might be completely unnoticed by other parties- people mostly care about themselves and you might not figure that highly in their own mental tabulations. That might be a comfort (being able to fly under the radar), or it might now.

    It can take a long time for some people to get a proper sense of themselves and not worry about what other people think.
    Without being too fatuous about it, I'd just say try to enjoy your early adulthood as much as you can.
    I am the juice of four limes.
    Trading Feedback

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  • munckeemunckee Frets: 2077
    You already know I think that you will turn it to crap quickest by overthinking it and being overly needy.

    Its quite normal I think to think stuff this good doesn't happen to people like you and wait for the downfall but stuff like this does happen to people like you and by embracing it and enjoying it you will probably be more fun to be around and it can take off.

    Plus worrying about it will not stop anything bad happening, just mean you won't enjoy it as much in the meantime.
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  • vizviz Frets: 5093
    edited December 4
    I think the average age for men in the UK to meet their life-long partner is 28, so either you’re ahead of the curve or it hasn’t happened yet
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  • What's normal Ben?

    As said above, most people are too busy hiding their own thing to start noticing anyone else's thing.

    At 26, despite outward appearances, my head was falling off my shoulders in a thousand different ways. I wasn't comfortable, anywhere. 

    I'm 55 next month, and have made some big strides - I'm still however work in progress. 

    This Lady you've met will already know that which you're trying to disguise, and yet there She still is, as is mine, some 20 odd years later. 

    Be yourself, who else can you be? 

    Stay cool.






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  • SassafrasSassafras Frets: 12734
    Try too see the glass as half full instead of half empty and it's gonna taste like piss so why should I bother even thinking about drinking it.
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  • Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
    edited December 4
    octatonic said:

    It is a tricky age because you are technically an adult but you may not yet have the necessary skills to negotiate adulthood, or at least I didn't.
    You're bang on there.

    @munckee I totally agree with you. I just can't seem to stop it! 

    The most irritating thing is that I don't know why I'm overthinking this. 2 days ago I was all excited about it. It's going well - I've looked back at the messages we've exchanged recently and thought back on our conversations in person and there's nothing to suggest otherwise but here we are.

    I'm of course going to withhold this madness from her and hope it continues to develop as it has been. Hopefully after I see her tonight I'll be back to being positive about it. I just wanted a little moan, at myself more than anything, as I'm just fed up with it. I never thought for a second either that I was on my own with this, but it's nice to know that there's people out there who can empathise.
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  • munckeemunckee Frets: 2077
    Ben8010 said:
    octatonic said:

    It is a tricky age because you are technically an adult but you may not yet have the necessary skills to negotiate adulthood, or at least I didn't.
    You're bang on there.

    @munckee I totally agree with you. I just can't seem to stop it! 

    The most irritating thing is that I don't know why I'm overthinking this. 2 days ago I was all excited about it. It's going well - I've looked back at the messages we've exchanged recently and thought back on our conversations in person and there's nothing to suggest otherwise but here we are.

    I'm of course going to withhold this madness from her and hope it continues to develop as it has been. Hopefully after I see her tonight I'll be back to being positive about it. I just wanted a little moan, at myself more than anything, as I'm just fed up with it. I never thought for a second either that I was on my own with this, but it's nice to know that there's people out there who can empaphise
    Hey at least your not worrying whether its too small or she will find the bodies!

    Hope it goes your way chief.
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  • robgilmorobgilmo Frets: 1632
    The glass isnt half full or half empty, its half drunk, so drink the rest, order another and have fun with it. Before going out on dates I used to listen to James Brown quite loudly, and drink a bottle of Thunderbird, I was ready for anything after that.
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  • scrumhalfscrumhalf Frets: 5085
    Stop overthinking it and go with the flow.
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  • munckeemunckee Frets: 2077
    robgilmo said:
    The glass isnt half full or half empty, its half drunk, so drink the rest, order another and have fun with it. Before going out on dates I used to listen to James Brown quite loudly, and drink a bottle of Thunderbird, I was ready for anything after that.
    You're clearly a classy geezer rob, thunderbird was our pre pub drink of choice, cheapest strong drink and a bottle could be consumed on the walk from the offie to the pub.
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  • JAYJOJAYJO Frets: 899
    Your over thinking things. relax and dont take yourself too seriously.  I remember for years feeling like a Lesbian Trapped inside a mans body. Then i thought sod it ...."lifes not worth a damn ....etc.
    Your Young and have plenty to offer just accept  and dont question whether or not you deserve to be happy.  
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  • KilgoreKilgore Frets: 1408
    I'll just echo what others have said.
     Try to enjoy the ride and not worry about falling off.

    All the best.
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  • thecolourboxthecolourbox Frets: 3382
    If you're happy and you know it, over think.
    If you're happy and you know it, over think.
    If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to blow it,
    If you're happy and you know it, over think

    Water, come drown me, I'm done

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  • joeyowenjoeyowen Frets: 3224
    I'll tell you one thing for free.... if you act like this* with her, constant worry, suspicion etc... it will go to shit. She might find nerves cute at first, but if it ever comes across as a trust issue it won't work.

    Just enjoy the ride mate.  I thought similar things when I got with my other half... 7 years and 2 kids later, it's all gravy.

    *I can't think how to rephrase that, I don't mean it to be cruel, and I'm not saying you have acted bad so far.  
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  • Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
    I was very tentative about posting something like this up but i'm glad I did now. It's helpful and reassuring knowing that there's actually a lot of people out there who have felt the same at some point.

    I know the overthinking is a problem but it's so hard to kick a habit. It's much easier to say stop than it is to actually do it I can say that!

    @joeyowen don't worry I get what you mean and I agree. I know the problem here! I am doing my best to make sure this shit is withheld from her - knowing that if it continues to go well it will be forgotten about haha.
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  • fftcfftc Frets: 393
    It's really easy to say this, and a lot harder to action when thoughts start ganging up on you, but seriously, don't sweat it.

    In 10 years time if you look back you will likely realise that it wasn't worth the worry. Doesn't actually matter whether you split up tomorrow, in five years, or are still happily together in 10 years. Just be yourself (unless you are a dick, then be someone else), treat her with respect and let the cards fall where they will.
    Just because you can, doesn't mean you should!
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  • tekbowtekbow Frets: 117
    I'm so glad there wasn't a picture of your junk when I opened this thread.
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  • Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
    Lmao.

    No but that reminds me...
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  • Mark1960Mark1960 Frets: 49
    It's impossible to advise another person specifically, but just be yourself, and don't keep churning over every little thing. Best to maybe delete all messages after 24 hours, so you can't keep looking back at things? Good luck. Hope it works out, and remember if it doesn't, you can't change who you are or who she is. If it works great if not dust yourself down and keep going forward.
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  • ShrewsShrews Frets: 338
    I wrote this on another thread where another chap had a similar problem. There are some ages of 'man' theorised (can't remember who) but certainly learnt in some HR training many years ago.  I think it went something like

    4 - age a boy remembers stuff
    11 - Pre-teen starts to become aware changes are on the way
    13 - Changes are on their way
    16 - Becomes aware that schooldays are over and making a living is the future
    18 - legally an adult and starts to feel like an adult
    21 - now at work and thinking about building a future with shelter and partner firmly on the agenda
    28 - a realisation that schooldays are gone and whatever career you've been building is going to be it for the next 40 years. It's a time that men think about that person they've got in their life. Is this what life is all about until you die?  Changes commonly occur around this age
    40 - similar to age 28, but this time there's a realisation that you're getting older. The body isn't as fit, younger people at work are becoming your boss, kids are growing up, and you've still got 28 years left. Everyone seems to have more than you (don't panic. most of it is on credit!), everyone seems to have better lives than you. Some have emigrated, some have become millionaires, some have high-flying jobs.
    55 - more settled, mortgage paid or nearly paid, kids left home, you've probably had some illness requiring a stint in hospital, 12 years left at work and counting down!  If you have a wife, she's likely menopausal. If she's a lot younger, she will seem a lot younger and you will feel older. Parents may be reaching end of life. Worries that redundancy = scrapheap and never finding another job. 
    67 - Retirement. Now what are you going to do with your time?
    75 - Grand kids, great grand kids maybe, the garden and general pottering at home is becoming more of a popular past ime. You start to think more about what you're leaving behind as your legacy and impact on the world
    80 - 90 - ill health and death

    This is generally how life 'maps out' for a man.

    With the OP, there's a realisation that you haven't built enough and everyone else seems to be more settled, but truth is there's just as many women out there feeling the same.  A woman tends to be thinking of her fertility in her thirties, so chances are in their mid twenties that they've put the picking and choosing of partners behind them and becoming less picky. Days of clubbing and dating are becoming boring.

    So I say this, your new partner is probably happy to have you in her life, is looking for a long-term future and likely to dismiss any doubts she might have had about you earlier in her 20's. Whereas before she might've sought perfection a few years ago. she probably now realises it doesn't exist. 

    Just be yourself and let Mother Nature do her thing. She gets it right more often than not. 



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  • robgilmorobgilmo Frets: 1632
    munckee said:
    robgilmo said:
    The glass isnt half full or half empty, its half drunk, so drink the rest, order another and have fun with it. Before going out on dates I used to listen to James Brown quite loudly, and drink a bottle of Thunderbird, I was ready for anything after that.
    You're clearly a classy geezer rob, thunderbird was our pre pub drink of choice, cheapest strong drink and a bottle could be consumed on the walk from the offie to the pub.
    Mad Dog 20/20 was another hit but nowhere near as potent as Thunderburd, which I might add can still be bought!
    https://www.drinksupermarket.com/thunderbird-american-grape-wine-75cl/

    Sometimes , if I was feeling flush I would sink two bottles of it but usually ended up dancing on tables and getting thrown out of the pub.

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  • Paul7926Paul7926 Frets: 136
    OP:  Obviously I can't comment on the exact specifics as I don't know them but reading the thread I was reminded of a quote from someone or other:

    A hero dies but once, a coward dies a thousand times.

    Now I'm not calling you a coward in any way.  What I'm getting at, coming from someone who has a real problem with over analysing everything, is that I worry about things that are not even problems simply because they, in theory, could be problems.  It takes a huge amount of mental and emotional effort for no gain whatsoever.  

    When I catch myself going down that rabbit hole I think about that quote.  If the worst happens I'll deal with it and I'll deal with it once.  Suffering the consequences of the worst possible predicted outcome time and time again when in reality there is no problem doesn't help anyone.  In fact it can actually bring on the worst outcomes that you fear.

    What you are doing may not be totally 'normal' but it's not as uncommon as you would think.

    I've tried to re-word this several times to express what I mean in a helpful way without it sounding harsh.  I'm not sure I've got the words right but hopefully you get my meaning.  
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  • sev112sev112 Frets: 389
    Don’t analyse life 
    certainly don’t analyse other people’s behaviour
    and definitley don’t try and analyse other people’s intentions

    all bring stress and worry. So stay away from them.  Especially as you will almost always be wrong !  :)

    Do what you think is best and good for you and as many people as possible at all times.
    Don’t rush things. Don’t pressure people, don’t presume people think the same way about things as you do.  Don’t worry that they don’t.  

    Good luck :) hope it works out for you


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  • dafuzzdafuzz Frets: 1253
    I was the same at 26

    Now 40, I go on dates quietly hoping the other party stands me up so I can go home and have an early night
    All practice and no theory
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  • Ben8010Ben8010 Frets: 131
    Well, I have to say - thanks everyone for the responses. It really is helpful.
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  • usedtobeusedtobe Frets: 2622
    I was 26 when I met my wife. I’d never had a relationship lasting more than 3 months before. It was weird, every time, I’d meet someone, seemed to be going well.. 3 months.. Bam! It got so I was waiting for it. Even with the wife, I was almost ticking off the days, and when the 3 months mark was reached, I was thinking, “Ok, any day now..”
    And it didn’t happen. And later this month we’ll have been together 30 years!
     so if you fancy a reissue of a guitar they never made in a colour they never used then it probably isn't too overpriced.

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  • dbphotodbphoto Frets: 624
    edited December 5
    When I was 26 I thought I knew everything.

    Now I'm 43 I realise I know bugger all.

    The last thing I wanted to do in my 20's was settle down, hell I closed my first business at the age of 28 a went travelling round Asia for a year with 3 friends.

    At 31 I met my now wife, 3 years later in 2009 we got married, but even now I don't feel grown up enough to have a wife and two young children!

    Worry about today tomorrow, and worry about tomorrow next week.
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