Christmas cracker jokes.

hywelg

My son dismantled the crackers they brought to us and inserted better jokes. 




What's brown and runny



Usain Bolt

stimpsonslostson

What’s brown and sticky?
a stick. 

Snags

What's the difference between the pub and the clitoris?


A man can always find  his way to the pub.

(Genuine cracker joke, Leeds Waterstones Christmas meal, 1991, never forgotten because of the volume it was read at in a crowded Chinese restaurant).

thecolourbox

The last one I had was

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy and the other's a little lighter

merlin

Q. Why is the beach wet?
A. Because the seaweed. 

hywelg

A man knocked on my door and asked if I'd like a window cleaner. 

I replied "yes,  but I'd really like all of them cleaner"

hywelg

I saw man at the beach yelling "help, shark!, help!"

I just laughed,  I  knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Nitefly

Q: What do you give the person who has everything?

A: Antibiotocs.

PolarityMan

stimpsonslostson said:

What’s brown and sticky?
a stick. 

Whats brown and shitty?

Bridgehouse

PolarityMan said:

stimpsonslostson said:

What’s brown and sticky?
a stick. 

Whats brown and shitty?

A Gibson SG from 1971

PolarityMan

Bridgehouse said:

PolarityMan said:

stimpsonslostson said:

What’s brown and sticky?
a stick. 

Whats brown and shitty?

A Gibson SG from 1971

Roses

viz

I loved this one from this year’s crackers: The Jacobite rising of 1745, also known as the Forty-five Rebellion or simply the '45 (Scottish Gaelic: Bliadhna Theàrlaich [ˈpliən̪ˠə ˈhjaːrˠl̪ˠɪç], "The Year of Charles"), was an attempt by Charles Edward Stuart to regain the British throne for his father, James Francis Edward Stuart!!

munckee

What's round and dangerous?

a vicious circle. 

boogieman

What’s brown and cleans windows? 

Chammy Davis Junior. 

hywelg

Not a cracker joke but Jo Brand's joke would.work well as one.

Laughter is the best medicine.


But it doesn't work well for impotence.! 

equalsql

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


A stick.

m_c

Why did no-one believe the half eaten gingerbread man?

Because he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Fretwired

During his lifetime my father built up a large collection of antique watches.

When he died it took ages to wind up his estate.

boogieman

Two tv aerials got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was excellent. 

FX_Munkee

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.

thecolourbox

In the Beginning, God created light and dark and a 24 hour cycle. The Angels were so impressed, they said "What are you going to do next?"

God said, "I think I'll call it a day".