Medical advice ?

Emp_Fab

In the grand old forum tradition of asking musicians for medical advice, I submit my latest ailment for your analysis.  It's not a pretty one either...  It involves bowels.

Has anyone else experienced this...

In the morning, when your bowels are warming up for the first evacuation of the day, and you feel the need to go - do you ever get excruciating pain as things... er... move ?  Especially if you've been a pig the night before and have stuffed your face to excess.

Not pain during or after the sitting on the throne, but in the minutes immediately preceding.  Tensing up all the lower stomach muscles helps with the pain, but doesn't stop it.

It doesn't happen all the time - perhaps once a fortnight, and always after a 'pig at the trough' session the night before.

My theory is that the bulk of the er... 'matter'..  is either causing stretching of pipes at a weak spot or....  there is something there that is being pressed on by the passing tube train... so to speak.

Anyway...  obviously I will enquire with my GP as a formality, but in the meantime, I thought I'd ask here in case anyone says "Yeah... I had that once, and my legs fell off".

fretmeister

I'm pretty sure that's an Ebola problem.

VimFuego

could be a parasitic alien.

fretmeister

That will be it.

VimFuego

strewth, can you imagine trying to pass that? Brace yourself, it may sting a bit.

Emp_Fab

Bloody lawyers...  one minute it's ebola, the next an alien...  make yer mind up will you !

I have a funny feeling this may involve another camera up the bottom....  a very long one this time.

LIDL's currently have a boroscope on sale...  I could do my own...

Col_Decker

I love the monday morning poo. All the sins and excess of the weekend get expunged in one one swift (but sticky) movement.

 

Plus it stinks which is nice. You can't beat your own brand right?

fretmeister

The alien has Ebola so it will bite your intestines and transfer it.

mike_l

Yes.

And it was the alien.

You're ok until it starts face-hugging.

:-??

EricTheWeary

Can't you just stop over eating?

Oops, feck, look at the time - gone 10.30.Missing my morning cream cake.

Handsome_Chris

Emp, I'm no medical expertt, but I believe you are experiencing is what is know as a pre-prolapse episode. 

Does this help to put your mind at ease?

mike_l

Handsome_Chris said:

Emp, I'm no medical expertt, but I believe you are experiencing is what is know as a pre-prolapse episode. 

Does this help to put your mind at ease?

Shhh, don't tell him

CloudNine

Take 2 paracetamol, drink plenty of fluids. And try to abstain from the bum-sex for a few weeks.

Sporky

This thread highlights just how much we need a medical sub-section.

axisus

VimFuego said:

strewth, can you imagine trying to pass that? Brace yourself, it may sting a bit.

No need to worry about that, they generally find their own way out via the nearest fleshy wall.

EricTheWeary

mike_l;35488" said:

Yes.

And it was the alien.

You're ok until it starts face-hugging. :-??

because it has been up your arse and is smelly ?
:-B

mike_l

EricTheWeary said:

mike_l;35488" said:

Yes.

And it was the alien.

You're ok until it starts face-hugging. :-??

because it has been up your arse and is smelly ?
:-B

Yes.

You wouldn't want to be face-hugged by that.... :-$

:-&

octatonic

Tried a week of high-fibre diet and no booze?

frankus

I make stool once a day - so first movement of the morning sounds a bit odd to me... but we're all different.

If it's hard try fibrogel in a drink it adds roughage, means going to the loo isn't like first night in H.M. Prison Wandsworth.

Drinking more water can help too.

Drinking booze will dehydrate and turn any turd into concrete.

Emp_Fab

I didn't say 'first of the morning' !  Christ, I don't shit that often !  I said 'first of the day'.  To be honest, I've never really counted how often I go, but it's no more than twice a day - Chicken Dhansak (extra hot) excuded (when it's usually twice a minute for half a day).

Anyhow, Doc poked around my lower regions, made me cough, sent me for blood tests and gave me a bucketload of Fybogel (oh, the joys of eating orange flavoured gritty wallpaper paste !).

I have to go back to see him in a month.

Just to avoid any confusion, I'm not shitting concrete... everything that comes out is fairly normal, and the pain isn't during, it's before, and on the bottom right of my stomach (i.e. in the cecum / ilio-cecal valve / appendix area - according to this diagram).

http://www.innovativebodysolutions.com.au/images/colon.png

Myranda

Bum-plosion problems aside... why do Lidl sell Boroscopes? And why does Emp know the Lidl catalogue well enough to have spotted that?