Favorite Joke

thumpingrug

Just one, but it has to be the one that makes you smile.  Actually this is just a way of getting people to smile and click on the LoL votes.

"  I have the memory of an Elephant.

I went to a zoo and can remember seeing an Elephant"

Your turn.

strumjoughlamps

knock knock.

[whos there]

oink oink who

[oink oink who who]

make you mind up are you a pig or an owl

knock knock

[whos there]

cows go

[cows go who]

no, cows go moo

viz

Bloke goes into the library and says "CAN I HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE MATE?"
Librarian says "excuse me sir but this is a library"
Guy whispers "ooh sorry, can I have aome fish and chips please?"

Lixarto

There has been an accident on the A66 - a prison van has collided with a cement mixer.

Police are advising motorists to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

Fretwired

Two accountants and their boss were clearing out a cupboard when they came across an old jar. During their lunch break one of them decided to open it and was stunned when a Genie appeared.

"Thanks guys .. I've been trapped for 10,000 years" said the Genie. "I can give you three wishes and as there's three of you I make that one each".

The first guy says "I want to be a Brazilian billionaire" .. the Genie waves an arm and sends the guy to Brazil with a billion pounds.

The second guy says "I want to be a French billionaire" .. the Genie waves an arm and sends the guy to France with a billion pounds.

The boss thinks for a minute and says "Make sure those two are back here in the office after their lunch break" ..

Accountants don't do fun ....

DiscoStu

An Eskimo takes his car to the garage because it's losing power.

The mechanic checks it over and says "it looks like you've blown a seal".

"No", replies the Innuit, "it's just frost on my moustache".

octatonic

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

"Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? That's because you don't live in New York City"

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries. 

All from Jimmy Carr.

octatonic

Actually, this one:

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.' 

Also, Jimmy Carr.

Headphones

What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue, mate?

Two fish in a tank.  One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing"?

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't be done, it's a hardware problem.

Drummers...   Pick your favourite and cut/paste.

Paul_C

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis . . . . I mean ladder!

gusman2x

"Dinghy number 9 come in your time is up"

"Boss, we only have 7 dinghies"

"Dinghy number 6, do you need assistance?"

Fretwired

A long time drunk was lying in his hospital bed, still groggy from the effects of his recent operation. His doctor came in looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"All right," said the patient. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?

Bucket

I bought some extra strong mints the other day.

Couldn't get them out of the packet.

maltingsaudio

How do you tell the illegitimate jelly babies?

Hold the bag upside down and all the little bastards fall out

Longtallronnie

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

Or

What's the last thing to go through a bugs head before he hits the windshield? His arse.

Chuffola

I've copied this to save me having to type it all out. It's my favourite joke. As long as you read the punch line in a comedy German accent.

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks.

The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child’s mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness.

One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, “Mother. This soup is a little tepid.” The German child’s mother is astonished. “All these years,” she exclaims, “we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?” “Because, mother,” answers the German child, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

Sporky

An Englishman, an Irishman, a priest, a rabbi, three Mexicans and a talking dog walk into a pub. The landlord looks up and says "Is this some sort of joke?"

stickyfiddle

I have a really good joke, but it's taking a while to type out. It should be finished by the morning...

bigjon

What's the difference between a bassist and a drummer? 

Usually about a beat and a half. 

Lixarto

There's a shipwreck, and the survivors are washed up on a desert island. There are two English men, two Scots men, two Irish men and two Welsh men.

A year passes.

After this time, the Welsh men have formed a choir; the Scots men have founded a distillery; the Irish guys are on the beach fighting, and the English men are waiting to be introduced.

goldtop

I went to a zoo this weekend, but all they had was a dog.

It was a shihtzu.