Children terrify me

Adam_MD

No really they absolutely terrify the life out of me, well the thought of having some of my own.

Mrs_MD basically wants kids and I REALLY have no desire to have any. We met 9 years ago and have been married for 6 through that entire time I've moved from I don't know if I want kids to I don't want kids.

I don't want to force my wife to go without knowing the 'joys' of kids (as other people put it). But I also don't believe in having kids to 'keep her happy' as it won't be fair on either of us or the child.

A friend of mine didn't want any kids but let her husband talk Her into it firmly believing everyone who said her maternal instincts would kick in when it was her own. Guess what though? They haven't and its causing issues in their marriage.

I guess I'm just too selfish, childish (take your pick). But I like life with just us and don't want it to change. I'm not sure about the point of this post and have stared at it for the last 5 mins thinking I should just delete it.

Anyone else scared of having kids/not want to have kids? it's driving me crazy.

For some perspective I'm 34 and Mrs_MD is 32. She'd like to try for kids in the next 18 months. I'm close to strapping myself on a rocket to the moon.

Strat_a_tat_tat

Oooooh tricky one!  Not sure how you can balance this when each party has widely differing aims.

 

Me and Mrs have no kids.... never really wanted them enough to take the plunge. We like kids - just never wanted our own. Good thing was we both agreed on that... and still do, many years later.

 

That said... I know plenty of blokes that didn't want kids... but now have kids and wouldn't change a thing.

 

Good luck.

Elx

I'd say don't do it if that's how you feel...but what do I know. Let's just say I felt very similar and now that I have two I would never go back to the life I lived without them...

Danny1969

Your fucked either way as far as I can tell, there's no pleasing both of you so I would go for pleasing her, be less grieve in the long run 

Unless you can talk her into getting a dog ?

JAYJO

Adam_MD said:

No really they absolutely terrify the life out of me, well the thought of having some of my own.

Mrs_MD basically wants kids and I REALLY have no desire to have any. We met 9 years ago and have been married for 6 through that entire time I've moved from I don't know if I want kids to I don't want kids.

I don't want to force my wife to go without knowing the 'joys' of kids (as other people put it). But I also don't believe in having kids to 'keep her happy' as it won't be fair on either of us or the child.

A friend of mine didn't want any kids but let her husband talk Her into it firmly believing everyone who said her maternal instincts would kick in when it was her own. Guess what though? They haven't and its causing issues in their marriage.

I guess I'm just too selfish, childish (take your pick). But I like life with just us and don't want it to change. I'm not sure about the point of this post and have stared at it for the last 5 mins thinking I should just delete it.

Anyone else scared of having kids/not want to have kids? it's driving me crazy.

For some perspective I'm 34 and Mrs_MD is 32. She'd like to try for kids in the next 18 months. I'm close to strapping myself on a rocket to the moon.

Well if you cant find a rocket soon mate ,your gonna be father! Congratulations.

Fazer

"But I like life with just us and don't want it to change."

i sympathise with that entirely, but it seems like she does want it to change, to change by having kids.
and it's almost certain that her desire will increase and not decrease

mart

Ouch, that's a difficult situation to be in. I know a few couples who were together for a long time, but eventually split because one half wanted kids and the other didn't. It's such a huge thing that it's really hard (impossible?) to compromise on, either way.

Strat_a_tat_tat

I was in a customer's office once... and there was a poster that said something like.

 

'If you want things to stay the same - things are going to have to change.'

 

... took me a while to figure out the truth in that.

 

 

joeyowen

Thing kids are scary, wait until you read this:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/12/23-parents-describe-their-kids-creepy-imaginary-friends-that-are-probably-actually-demons/

It is so funny and scary at the same time

mrkb

Swap wifes with your friend!??

breakstuff

Time to have 'that' conversation with the wife.

Maybe come to a compromise saying you'd both leave it for a year and see if you feel the same then.A lot can change in a year.I was the same as you,never wanted kids,but something just clicked and over a period of months and the urge appeared.

Got two now and they're both great kids,definitely no regrets.

tbm

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids.

This is very tricky though. It's not like you met 2 years ago, you've been together a long time and it was reasonable for your wife to assume that someday kids would become part of the conversation.

I know you say "I like life with just us and don't want it to change", but what do you imagine would change if a kid arrived? Really, spell it out for yourself. What do you think will happen? (This is not a trick question btw, loads will change, but figuring out what you're instinctively putting a negative slant on will help you and her understand each other.)

Strat_a_tat_tat said:

That said... I know plenty of blokes that didn't want kids... but now have kids and wouldn't change a thing.

I know plenty of folk like this too. Plenty.

joeyowen

Just to add, a married couple who are friends of ours, the Dad did not want kids at all.  He just wasn't fussed, he was happy as they were.

The wife, ' accidently' got pregnant shall we say, and he is now one of the happiest guys you know! He thinks the world of his boy!

I've been a dad for 4 months, and it has been an amazing journey so far.  Yes it can be hard, and yes you can be skint at first.. but don't listen to all the fuckers who spend their time saying, no sleep, no friends, no money etc... they clearly just do shit wrong my friend!

Fretwired

Kids are fun .. fear is natural. There will be ups and downs but I wouldn't swap the experience and memories for anything. Mine have left home so it's not forever ...

holnrew

I'll get her pregnant if you like.

frankus

2 things:

1) You've not said why you don't want kids - not as a post it up here so we can shoot it down, but you've not mentioned why here and it might be good to explore that - not necessarily with an audience.

2) See if a dog will do instead.

Personally, I think kids are great, I don't think my other half does...

I was brought up believing people who didn't have kids were self-centred and a bit wierd - what else are parents going to think when they see these people financially solvent with free time and few responsibilities.. eh?

Brize

Strat_a_tat_tat said:

That said... I know plenty of blokes that didn't want kids... but now have kids and wouldn't change a thing.

Yep, the little buggers worm their way into your heart place.

FX_Munkee

I wasn't fussed about having kids, my wife was.
Guess how that worked out?





I have three boys now, want to borrow one? Just to see how you get on? They're small and quite cheap to feed.
And for the record I wouldn't change a thing now (apart from more sound proofingin the house...).

lloyd

I guess this is a 'shit or get off the pot' situation-there's no compromising in this scenario-if you're both firmly at opposite ends of the-you can't have half a kid. 

As a few have said I know people who didn't want kids but now love the whole parent thing (would they say anything other than that though!!)

I'm 33 and REALLY not ready for them, but who ever is? My GF would like some in the next couple of years and that thought scares me to be fair, but l do know I want them.........eventually.....

It's a tough one and I sympathise.

Bogwhoppit

Fretwired said:

 Mine have left home so it's not forever ...

Unless things change, If your children enter the work place on the average wage, the chances are they will be with you for life - along with their kids. So many of my friends have children approaching their 30s who are unable to afford privately rented accommodation, let alone save for a deposit and secure a mortgage.

The extended family is not always harmonious.

 

strumjoughlamps

yeah I wasn't one for wanting kids, then we had 1, then 2 then 7 years after that a 3rd which I really didn't want that one hence the 7 year gap... but they are blooming awesome and I would not change any time I have spent with them for anything else, its been absolutely amazin yes some ups and downs and frustrations and lifestyle changes..

you absolutely 100% owe it to your wife to have a talk so you can sort things out and still have time to find the happiness you both want elsewhere.... its long overdue IMO.