Children terrify me

jonnyburgo

The truth is that kids don't have to stop you doing anything, apart from going out on the piss as often.

We had no plans for children when Mrs Burgo got preggers the first time, it was a shock and scary but we just got on with it and now we have 2 kids aged 7 & 9.

Since having kids we have been to Croatia, Turkey, Interailling round Europe, Hong Kong, Singapore, New Zealand, Canada, Portugal, France. Japan next year. Don't listen to people who assume that you have to become less adventurous and boring. 

Its impossible to think where we would be now if we hadn't had them. I doubt that we would be living and working in this country but who knows? Thinking about it in the 5 yrs we had together before kids, We didnt really do much other than socialising and drinking. In some ways having them has made us braver in our choices. 

When you are in your mid 30s all your friends start having kids and doing the family thins together so your wife will struggle with that

WezV

We have been together 17 years and had a first nearly 3 years ago.  earlier this year we moved to a new house with a 3rd bedroom fully intent on the idea we would be trying for a 2nd.  Having a child did change the relationship, but we have been togetehr since we were teenagers so its already needed to change a few times and I don't think either of us were worried by this

A few months ago we both realised we didn't actually want a second at the moment.   Its not because of the first, she is great.   She is a very good girl but its still a finacial drain and a lot of work.   a second could be totally different.  My wife has never been happier than when she was pregnant so it was a bit of a shock to realise she felt the same as me about the potential second child. 

We have not ruled it out for the future, but at the moment we will continue to enjoy the one we have. 

GazLion

Adam_MD said:

If it came down to having an army of kids or losing her? Then sign me up soldier.

Unfortunately, as others have said, her desire to have kids will almost definitely increase, so what you have said here sounds realistic. I do feel for you, it can't be a nice situation to be in. I see most people are saying bite the bullet and go with the kids, but on the other hand, she chose to marry you knowing that you had no interest in having kids. Why should it be you that has to give in? Very difficult. Sorry I don't think this probably helps. 

I wasn't always into the idea of having kids myself, but we have got a 10 week old daughter now, and I can honestly say I've never been at a happier stage of my life. 

mudslide73

It's definitely a case of before and after - there's no going back but I wouldn't want to. Mrs Mudslide was in a similar position to Vim's Mrs when our boy was 4 months old which meant he'll be the only one. I was full of doubt about being good enough to be a dad but found myself being his only carer for a good chunk of his first year. We're all fine now but I think myself very lucky every day.   

thomasross20

F*** sake, is it really so transformational or is all this just BS? I mean really, it sounds like it's the ultimate high in life lol

chillidoggy

Yes, it is transformational. Totally. As for it being the ultimate high in life, no-one can tell you that.

Drew_TNBD

I think there is another point to make here, and it's going to sound cunty... so soz about that. Lets take a particularly twatty analogy that all of the SJW's love to use, computer games:

Having kids can be looked at as like life on easy mode. You want validation? You want success? You want meaning? Create a life. Sure, the pragmatics may be difficult - lack of sleep, wiping arses until they're 18, paying the nappy bills - but all of the things that humans crave, kids give to you. Give your kids the gift of the certainty of death, and perhaps a difficult and troublesome life to go with it, and in return get the ever lasting knowledge that you're loved, wanted, and that you've done something meaningful with your life - provided you can keep the thing alive of course.

Choosing not to have kids, and finding meaning, validation, love, and success in other places... now THAT is true grit. THAT is true strength and a testament to everything brilliant about human beings. Knowing that you're going to die, so making the most of the life you've been given, and not just cashing all your fear and pain in and transferring it to someone else.

Having kids is the quickest and most surefire way to make yourself happy and content with your lot. Provided you don't fuck it up too badly, you get to sit back in your old age and think "ahhhhhhh.... that was the best thing I've done with my life...."

... yeah, I told you it was going to sound cunty. I read it back and it really does.. but screw it, going to post it anyway.

monquixote

thomasross20 said:

F*** sake, is it really so transformational or is all this just BS? I mean really, it sounds like it's the ultimate high in life lol

Yes it can be. 

What possible reason would we all have to lie to you?

chillidoggy

Drew_fx said:

I think there is another point to make here, and it's going to sound cunty... so soz about that. Lets take a particularly twatty analogy that all of the SJW's love to use, computer games:

Having kids can be looked at as like life on easy mode. You want validation? You want success? You want meaning? Create a life. Sure, the pragmatics may be difficult - lack of sleep, wiping arses until they're 18, paying the nappy bills - but all of the things that humans crave, kids give to you. Give your kids the gift of the certainty of death, and perhaps a difficult and troublesome life to go with it, and in return get the ever lasting knowledge that you're loved, wanted, and that you've done something meaningful with your life - provided you can keep the thing alive of course.

Choosing not to have kids, and finding meaning, validation, love, and success in other places... now THAT is true grit. THAT is true strength and a testament to everything brilliant about human beings. Knowing that you're going to die, so making the most of the life you've been given, and not just cashing all your fear and pain in and transferring it to someone else.

Having kids is the quickest and most surefire way to make yourself happy and content with your lot. Provided you don't fuck it up too badly, you get to sit back in your old age and think "ahhhhhhh.... that was the best thing I've done with my life...."

... yeah, I told you it was going to sound cunty. I read it back and it really does.. but screw it, going to post it anyway.

Why should it sound cunty, if it's your genuine belief? Doesn't sound cunty to me.

The only thing I would say though, is that it's a good job we don't all think the same, or the human race would cease to exist!

Drew_TNBD

chillidoggy said:

Drew_fx said:

I think there is another point to make here, and it's going to sound cunty... so soz about that. Lets take a particularly twatty analogy that all of the SJW's love to use, computer games:

Having kids can be looked at as like life on easy mode. You want validation? You want success? You want meaning? Create a life. Sure, the pragmatics may be difficult - lack of sleep, wiping arses until they're 18, paying the nappy bills - but all of the things that humans crave, kids give to you. Give your kids the gift of the certainty of death, and perhaps a difficult and troublesome life to go with it, and in return get the ever lasting knowledge that you're loved, wanted, and that you've done something meaningful with your life - provided you can keep the thing alive of course.

Choosing not to have kids, and finding meaning, validation, love, and success in other places... now THAT is true grit. THAT is true strength and a testament to everything brilliant about human beings. Knowing that you're going to die, so making the most of the life you've been given, and not just cashing all your fear and pain in and transferring it to someone else.

Having kids is the quickest and most surefire way to make yourself happy and content with your lot. Provided you don't fuck it up too badly, you get to sit back in your old age and think "ahhhhhhh.... that was the best thing I've done with my life...."

... yeah, I told you it was going to sound cunty. I read it back and it really does.. but screw it, going to post it anyway.

Why should it sound cunty, if it's your genuine belief? Doesn't sound cunty to me.

The only thing I would say though, is that it's a good job we don't all think the same, or the human race would cease to exist!

Coz I'm not even sure I believe it! lol. Just being a contrarian arse!

thomasross20

I'm not saying anybody's lying, I just don't know if I buy the transformational thing. I'm still more responsible than most my friends with kids, I almost look at it like buying a car. Anybody can do it! So does it make it that special? My pal's girlfriend said the other night that they wouldn't be together if he didn't want kids and that she has no main hobbies, they are her hobby - I thought that was a little sad in some ways but I do get it. See, this is what I was talking about before - I'm worried I'm missing out on something and I'd have to wreck a 7 year relationship if I wanted to pursue that. Here's one of those classic threads:
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/781410-Does-anyone-else-regret-having-children/AllOnOnePage

tbm

Drew_fx said:

I think there is another point to make here, and it's going to sound cunty... so soz about that. Lets take a particularly twatty analogy that all of the SJW's love to use, computer games:

Having kids can be looked at as like life on easy mode. You want validation? You want success? You want meaning? Create a life. Sure, the pragmatics may be difficult - lack of sleep, wiping arses until they're 18, paying the nappy bills - but all of the things that humans crave, kids give to you. Give your kids the gift of the certainty of death, and perhaps a difficult and troublesome life to go with it, and in return get the ever lasting knowledge that you're loved, wanted, and that you've done something meaningful with your life - provided you can keep the thing alive of course.

Choosing not to have kids, and finding meaning, validation, love, and success in other places... now THAT is true grit. THAT is true strength and a testament to everything brilliant about human beings. Knowing that you're going to die, so making the most of the life you've been given, and not just cashing all your fear and pain in and transferring it to someone else.

Having kids is the quickest and most surefire way to make yourself happy and content with your lot. Provided you don't fuck it up too badly, you get to sit back in your old age and think "ahhhhhhh.... that was the best thing I've done with my life...."

... yeah, I told you it was going to sound cunty. I read it back and it really does.. but screw it, going to post it anyway.

As valid an opinion as any.

Can't help thinking you might need a hug though.....

monquixote

It's not about "being responsible" it's about "being responsible for"

Plenty of parents aren't very responsible.

thomasross20

I'm responsible for enough ... !

frankus

Drew_fx said:

Having kids can be looked at as like life on easy mode. You want validation? You want success? You want meaning? Create a life. Sure, the pragmatics may be difficult - lack of sleep, wiping arses until they're 18, paying the nappy bills - but all of the things that humans crave, kids give to you. Give your kids the gift of the certainty of death, and perhaps a difficult and troublesome life to go with it, and in return get the ever lasting knowledge that you're loved, wanted, and that you've done something meaningful with your life - provided you can keep the thing alive of course.

Not sure if you're trolling - if there's one thing guaranteed as a parent it's that you'll fail youre child in some way - that's important to them, that's not easy - the fact that you've spent 18 years working hard to try and deliver - if there's one thing it's not like it's a computer game because after 18 years effort you'll not "win" because there's no clear target or finish line and any you began beleiving in you will hopefully be relieved of after a decade or so...

People's motivations to be a parent vary as wildly as people's reasons not to be a parent - so I think you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about this.

Choosing not to have kids, and finding meaning, validation, love, and success in other places... now THAT is true grit. THAT is true strength and a testament to everything brilliant about human beings. Knowing that you're going to die, so making the most of the life you've been given, and not just cashing all your fear and pain in and transferring it to someone else.

No, that's just different. I like Tuck and Patty for giving us all that music and being wonderful people and I realise they chose not to have kids to do that... but guess what.

Bruce Lee was a dad

and the best thing you can do for anyone (partner, friend, child, parent) is be a shining example, all the absolutes it's EITHER this OR that (nothing in between) really points to you having preconceptions or if you're comfortable calling them so, fears.

Having kids is the quickest and most surefire way to make yourself happy and content with your lot. Provided you don't fuck it up too badly, you get to sit back in your old age and think "ahhhhhhh.... that was the best thing I've done with my life...."

... yeah, I told you it was going to sound cunty. I read it back and it really does.. but screw it, going to post it anyway.

It sounds ill-informed or based on bias. I don't get on with my parents, the way my counsellor explained it to me: "you didn't choose to be born, they chose to have you and therefore until you're an adult have a duty of care" ... no parent honours that all the time, most pretend they do and do a dreadful job.

Having kids means often being exhausted, bewildered, at war with a partner over conflicting values, bereft of free time and far from any dreams you had. The pay-off is rarely a warm glow - the pay off is solace: "I did the best I could", "I don't know how I could have helped that go better", "I'm probably to blame but at least that's over with" it's a hard job, no harder than being a master of any art or being  successful businessman the end results are really not clear, so success and failure are harder to judge - if that's how you're wired.

As an outsider, you're mistaking the warm glow experienced as your kid rushing up to tell you something at the end of a hard day, for the oblivion of an eigth of blow, 8 Stella, 3 hours Xbox with a mate and then a shag before bedtime - it's not a like for like replacement... it might be, that in some situations parents get better at being grateful for really small things.. and ... it might be that that is the source of proper happiness NOT that parents would know or be any sort of expert on anything, least of all raising kids.

Drew_TNBD

I'm obviously really conflicted over the issue, and don't really know what my opinion is on the subject. I oscillate between two extremes right now. I actually could do with a hug today though!

thomasross20

It's good we can all discuss this, though! So far it's been really civil which is great.

frankus

Usually I'd offer to run over the bridge and give you a hug, but after 6 years of Karate I've discovered my Roundhouse technique is fucking up my back and I can barely walk.

I think as a kid I used to run hot baths and pretend they were like hugs.

Next week I'll be okay and you can have a hug then

Drew_TNBD

frankus said:

It sounds ill-informed or based on bias.

Probably more biased than anything. I am still pretty conflicted about a bunch of stuff that happened to me when I was a kid, and I don't have the ability to address it. It just kinda lingers in the back of my mind unresolved. Difficult to properly explain it.

Drew_TNBD

frankus said:

Usually I'd offer to run over the bridge and give you a hug, but after 6 years of Karate I've discovered my Roundhouse technique is fucking up my back and I can barely walk.

I think as a kid I used to run hot baths and pretend they were like hugs.

Next week I'll be okay and you can have a hug then

)

A red headed bear hug from you and a sandwich would be just the ticket!!

Hope you feel better soon btw.