Children terrify me

thomasross20

Going by frankus' reply (sorry, I'm at work so skim-read!) I'm guessing he has kids!

frankus

Drew_fx said:

frankus said:

It sounds ill-informed or based on bias.

Probably more biased than anything. I am still pretty conflicted about a bunch of stuff that happened to me when I was a kid, and I don't have the ability to address it. It just kinda lingers in the back of my mind unresolved. Difficult to properly explain it.

My eldest had a shit time in some ways because I often wasn't thinking - just going through the motions - so I'd behave really poorly, get angry with him for situations or my embarrassment ... and the reason is I'd not resolved stuff and before I knew it, I'd be acting out on what had been done to me - or feeling that was the right thing to do, "it never harmed me". Some day I hope I get a thorough bollockign for that, but preempting that might just give him the feeling he deserved to be a victim... I don't want that, so I'm waiting till he's seen enough of the world to realise how bad his carer was.

So perhaps here's one of those knots - if you're wondering if you should puzzle this shit out for the sake of a hypothetical kid you might have, I'd say go and look at a picture of yourself when that stuff happened, imagine that kid and what you'd say to him about what went on. Regardless of whether you have kids or not, a little bit more inner peace is a comfort for a while and a little bit more clarity ever after.

hubobulous

I'm 43, been married for 3 years and seeing my wife for an additional 4 years before that. We've always wanted kids, but over the last 5 years I've had my Aunt suffer dementia and subsequently pass away, with whom I was very close, and my Dad diagnosed with cancer which he lost his battle with last year.

So I've not really had the head space to deal with the thought of kids. My wife finally got pregnant earlier this year, only for us to attend the 12 week scan and see that she had had a 'missed miscarriage'. Essentially the fetus had died but was still inside. So we then had to deal with that, which was especially hard for my wife obviously.

She's now 26 weeks pregnant and things are going well. However, whilst I have zero doubts that this is what I want, I seem to have most likely built a bit of a psychological wall around getting excited over news. Every 3 months for the 3.5 years before my Dad died, I got used to bracing myself for bad news from the scans. So now, I just feel like I know that a baby is on its way, but haven't engaged my brain into what it means. Which is very unlike me. I'm making sure that my wife understands that this is not a problem in terms of us and the future, and am engaged in any conversation on the topic, but I feel like a bit of a spare part at the moment, which I suppose is natural.

I'm not in denial, I've never grown up around family members who have kids, and have no experience in it at all. So this numb feeling is something I'm trying to deal with at the moment. I'm not worried that I'm going along with an idea that I'm not bought into, but I don't particularly like this 'blanket of meh' that I seem to have around certain things.

So I've got some shit to get through in the next couple of months :-)

frankus

Hope it all goes smoothly

chillidoggy

Drew, you being a contrarian arse is part of what makes the Fretboard function like it does.

Please continue.

hubobulous

frankus said:

Hope it all goes smoothly

Thanks, so do I :-) I'm pretty confident in my ability to sort headspace shit out, but times ticking!!

Adam_MD

monquixote;428521" said:

It's not about "being responsible" it's about "being responsible for"

Plenty of parents aren't very responsible.

That's part of my problem I don't want to be responsible for kids. I've got enough responsibility between work and supporting my wife as it is.

BigMonka

@hubobulous I'm sorry to hear of the disappointment you had, I can fully relate as my wife and I had a similar thing happen a couple of years ago (and so did my sister at the same time). It can be really hard to get excited when you still have a bit of fear/anxiety, especially for the good lady involved. But try your best to enjoy the experience, and as soon as the littlun is born you can start to feel free of that worry - the future's bright buddy!

thomasross20

Adam_MD said:

monquixote;428521" said:

It's not about "being responsible" it's about "being responsible for"

Plenty of parents aren't very responsible.

That's part of my problem I don't want to be responsible for kids. I've got enough responsibility between work and supporting my wife as it is.

I'm in the same boat. I've got her to spend quality time with, work which takes up a lot of time, the band which takes up a lot of time, friends, family and several other things... I was recently asked to join a special club but just don't have the time!

hubob - best of luck.

frankus

thomasross20 said:

I was recently asked to join a special club but just don't have the time!

sounds tantalizingly vague

thomasross20

To be honest, probably not my sort of thing (it shall remain vague!).

Sometimes I do have an excess of time and it's like "what do I do now - what's the point in life?" but generally I've got a lot of stuff to do and just can't sacrifice any more.

frankus

thomasross20 said:

 can't sacrifice any more.

masons then

thomasross20

Lol, *secret handshake*

RocknRollDave

frankus said:

thomasross20 said:

I was recently asked to join a special club but just don't have the time!

sounds tantalizingly vague

First rule is he's not allowed to discuss it, see....

frankus

hmm I went to a class called FightKlub at gymbox on Wednesday - I can't walk properly now.

holnrew

I dinf it hard to understand how anybody could not want kids. I don't feel like I have any other purpose in life, I don't get any pleasure from doing things for myself.

Probably means I'll fuck shit up whenever I do have kids.

monquixote

frankus said:

hmm I went to a class called FightKlub at gymbox on Wednesday - I can't walk properly now.

The 9th rule of night club is change one letter of the name of sight club.

randomhandclaps

thomasross20 said:

I was recently asked to join a special club but just don't have the time! 

Kids don't necessarily stop people swinging, you just need a reliable babysitter.

@Adam_MD, in true forum spirit is there no-one in you area who could lend you a kid to try out a bit of parenting and see if it's your thing?

Sending a virtual hug to @Drew_FX and a completely non-sexual virtual backrub to 'Roadhouse' @Frankus.  Feel better guys.

randomhandclaps

frankus said:

hmm I went to a class called FightKlub at gymbox on Wednesday - I can't walk properly now.

Did the high level of nudity as you walked in not alert you that you may have got the wrong place?

chillidoggy

Man, I love this place!