Friday humour

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

hotpot

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep,
growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

EricTheWeary

Fretwired

eSully

Bad lip reading - Trumps Inauguration

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Hootsmon

GSPBASSES

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. 

 He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

 She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

 The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' 

 The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'

 The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.   How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

 The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

 The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'