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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • BigMonkaBigMonka Frets: 1763
    I was standing at the bar of our local International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
    He says "No, why the f*** you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese and your racist?
    "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

    Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman, in which case always be Batman.
    My boss told me "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"... now I'm sat in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
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  • EricTheWearyEricTheWeary Frets: 16253
    I'd put £5 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man. 
    Tipton is a small fishing village in the borough of Sandwell. 
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  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
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  • rocktronrocktron Frets: 806
    edited June 2017

    FRENCH BURGLAR

    Recently, a Parisian burglar nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

    However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then make such an elementary mistake, he replied,

    “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

     

    MANAGEMENT v IT

    A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 Degrees North Latitude and between 50 and 60 Degrees West Longitude."

    "You must be in information technology," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything you have delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    ”Well”, said the woman, "you don’t know where you are or where you are going; you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air; you made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault!"

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  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
    11reaction image LOL 0reaction image Wow! 0reaction image Wisdom
  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
    4reaction image LOL 0reaction image Wow! 0reaction image Wisdom
  • AlnicoAlnico Frets: 4616
    Fretwired said:
    Funniest thing I've read all year.
    Brilliant. 
    :)
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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    tae be or not tae be
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  • HootsmonHootsmon Frets: 15923
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