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Friday humour
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Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”
The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on cold concrete floors.”
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.”
Instantly, a warm, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 8 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates with the same offer that he had made the cat.
The mice said, “All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.”
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.'
Instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful, golden pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep contentedly on his new pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.”
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
Because he drank it before it was COOL!
1. There is more money being spent on Breast Implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2O4O, there is going to be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
2. Gertrude, Maude, and Doris, were three pensioners sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Doris, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!
3. A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, coz there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrating dildo?
A: What the hell are you getting excited for; she’s going to eat me?
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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland.
They had registered on a Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
**********************************************************
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with expensive jewels.
Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."