Friday humour

rocktron

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.... He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up the mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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An accountant gets home late one night and his wife demanded, "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a pair of £50 notes tattooed on my penis", he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant want £50 notes tattooed on his penis?"

"Well", said the accountant, "One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping at the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want." 

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Alnico

hootsmon said:

That's made my whole day.

boogieman

The man who invented dog treats has died.
Shame, he was a good man. Oh yes he was! What a good man. 

Hootsmon

chillidoggy

Two days late, and not a joke per se, but............

Went up the town to Iceland to get some milk on Friday. Chav mum with a pushchair and another 'orrible brat of about 10 years old playing her up and generally being an obnoxious scrote. Her screamed rebuke at him was a sign of how times have changed:-

"If you don't pack it in, you're going to bed without any Wi-Fi."

axisus

Star trek humour

fandango

Alnico said:

hootsmon said:

That's made my whole day.

It made her day, too.

Hootsmon

Sting

Hootsmon

Name the guitarist...... send answer please on the back of a £10 note tae Hoots c/o TFB......

joeyowen

I know it's Sunday....but my other half dropped my favourite mug and it's quite fitting

HAL9000

hootsmon said:

Name the guitarist...... send answer please on the back of a £10 note tae Hoots c/o TFB......

Bee Bee King

Moss

hootsmon said:

Name the guitarist...... send answer please on the back of a £10 note tae Hoots c/o TFB......

Wasp Wasp Steve

Fretwired

boogieman

A husband and wife are watching a tv program about an African tribe where the men all have 14" penises. They achieve this by tying rocks to the end with string to stretch it. The wife has never been really satisfied with her husband's size so suggests he tries the same technique. The husband agrees to give it a go. A few weeks later she asks him how it's going? 

"Well I'm half way there" 

"Wow, you mean you're 7" long already?"

"No. But it has turned black". 

Fretwired

Hootsmon

Hootsmon