Friday humour

Hootsmon

Fretwired

GSPBASSES

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked,

"Two full hours?

Wow!

That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: 

 

 

"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

boogieman

An old Devon farmer has promised his two sons that they can have some of his land to farm for themselves. The older lad is patient but the younger one keeps hassling the old man. 

"Dad, dad, when can oi av moi laaand?"
"When Oi'm ready, not before". 

A few few days pass and the lad pesters the dad again. 
"Dad, dad, when can oi av moi laaand?"
"I told e, when I's ready, not before!"

This goes on for weeks and the old man is getting heartily pissed off. The young lad asks again
"Dad, dad, when can oi av moi laaand?"

The old man kicks him hard in the bollocks and says
"Well there's a couple of achers for ye, now bugger off!"

rocktron

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in a Vets Surgery waiting room.

The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.

“They are putting me down”, says the second dog.

 “Oh no. . . . .why?", says the first dog. 

"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.”

The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.”

The third dog said, "This is my master’s new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time naked. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her and gave it to her good!"

The other dogs say, "So, that's why they are putting you to sleep?"

"No*, says the third dog, "She brought me here to get my toenails clipped!"

Hootsmon

HAL9000

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on funds after years of war against the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond of the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, for a loan.

Croesus offered him 100,000 dinar for it.

"But it's worth at least a million" the king protested. " Don't you know who I am? I'm the king!"

Croesus replied "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

Chalky

HAL9000 said:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on funds after years of war against the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond of the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, for a loan.

Croesus offered him 100,000 dinar for it.

"But it's worth at least a million" the king protested. " Don't you know who I am? I'm the king!"

Croesus replied "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

High-brow to low-brow!

AlexC

I met my wife in Australia. I said "what the hell are you doing here?"

Hootsmon

 

Fretwired

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Fretwired

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”


What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.


What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
'Make me one with everything.'

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