Friday humour

rocktron

 FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
> 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
> 2. A will is a dead giveaway.
> 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
> 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
> 5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
> 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
> 7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
> 8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
> 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
> 10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
> 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
> 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
> 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
> 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
> 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
> 16. A calendar's days are numbered.
> 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
> 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
> 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
> 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
> 21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
> 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
> 23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen ‘em all.
> 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
> 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
> 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
> 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
> 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
> 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
>
> 30. And might I add ... It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.

snakemanStoo

KFC official twitter account follows 11 people.

5 spice girls and 6 people called Herb.

11 herbs and spices.

And for proof : https://twitter.com/kfc/following

Zoolooter

GSPBASSES

I met an older woman at a bar last night. OOOH! She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

 

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

 

'What's that?' I asked

 

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

 

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't, but I'd like to..'

 

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

 

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

 

> 

> 

> 

> 

 

'Mom...you still awake?'

GSPBASSES

I bought a new Ford F 150 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck from an Arizona dealer. Go figure, it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. 

 

I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

‘Nelson', the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again’ came from the speakers

 

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, ‘Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs. 

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

 

Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States.”

 

Damn I love this truck

Fretwired

HAL9000

My dyslexic mate's joy was short lived after he realised that what his girlfriend's note actually said was that she fancied Alan...

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

axisus

hootsmon said:

Holy ship Batman!!!!

EricTheWeary

I phoned the sealife centre to see what their opening times are for tomorrow and they said the conversation was being recorded for training porpoises. 

Fretwired

Fretwired