Some cracking management-speak bullhonky

monquixote

I once got an email from HP who I was buying a load of servers from saying they were: "Leveraging their tonal portfolio" 

Guesses as to what that turned out to mean?

octatonic

This is a question from my university degree's PDP (Personal Development Plan) self-assessment:

"Articulate a critical understanding of material, spatial, aural or media-based objects of study, using a range of written forms of presentation, noting specific terms, languages, references, genres and audience."

PolarityMan

I think it means.

"The imminent failure is not my fault."

VimFuego

monquixote said:

I once got an email from HP who I was buying a load of servers from saying they were: "Leveraging their tonal portfolio" 

Guesses as to what that turned out to mean?

well, leveraging means (basically) to borrow capital. For the life of me I can't imagine what a tonal portfolio is. As close as I can figure it, do they mean, like, printer ink?

Sporky

monquixote said:

I once got an email from HP who I was buying a load of servers from saying they were: "Leveraging their tonal portfolio" 

Guesses as to what that turned out to mean?

They were all going to be greige?

chillidoggy

fatherjack said:

chillidoggy said:

 

Having listened to exactly this kind of twaddle for many years, one either switches off, learns to translate it, or simply asks the person spouting the rubbish to put things in plain English. Which I must confess I've taken to doing more often these days.

 

I usually do it by saying "I understand where you're coming from Mr. (insert name of dickhead here), but perhaps you could put it in more simpler terms as there may be some around the table that are not quite as familiar with the subject as you are." This usually draws a few stifled guffaws or the odd cough. Yes, it may be a puerile pastime, but I'm a great believer in plain speaking. My immediate boss and I sometimes play at trying to insert odd phrases or nouns into meetings. Last time, he beat me hands down when I bet him he'd never be able to get the word "Snickers" into a discussion about trade figures.

 

 

"And with these brilliant sales figures, I think we can safely say it's 'nickers' to our competitors."

Easy peasy.

Nah, no way would I have paid up for that one! He said something like "General cargo encompasses a whole manner of goods, from Snickers to Knickers". Or something close to that. It was an impressive performance, and I handed him the fiver with good grace. The next bet is on me getting the word "stickleback" in somehow. I haven't accepted the challenge as yet, but he backed down from "prostitute", so I'm under a bit of pressure there.

VimFuego

on the topic of management speak, I actually miss it in a way. Now we work for ourselves, we just have to do stuff, we can't spend all day in meetings, on conference calls, writing memos, reading memos and so on. I miss the skiving of the workplace.

monquixote

VimFuego said:

well, leveraging means (basically) to borrow capital. For the life of me I can't imagine what a tonal portfolio is. As close as I can figure it, do they mean, like, printer ink?

They were going to change the colours of their servers. 

VimFuego

ah, so they were invested in changing the colour of their servers. Yup, their way is much clearer...

Sporky

monquixote said:

VimFuego said:

well, leveraging means (basically) to borrow capital. For the life of me I can't imagine what a tonal portfolio is. As close as I can figure it, do they mean, like, printer ink?

They were going to change the colours of their servers. 

I was pretty close then.

historyisjunk

Jeez, I feel really sorry for the guy quoted in the OP.
He's really going to have to reposition in the business landscape & leverage the synergies within their capabilities if he's going to solutionize the issues around their mindset shortfall. That's literally the elephant in the room- going forward.

Sporky

I'm giving that an 8/10. Just missing "paradigm" and "blue-sky-thinking".

historyisjunk

He's clearly living the paradigm, though it is shifting and blue sky thinking is immanent to the expeditionary mindset.

historyisjunk

He really couldn't have been clearer.

Sporky

Nice work. Let's run it up the flagpole pro actively and see if our ducks are in a row.

historyisjunk

As long as we all understand that there's no flagpole in team.

Sporky

historyisjunk said:

As long as we all understand that there's no flagpole in team.

I am using that in our next sales meeting. I owe you a pint.