Best fart you have ever done

Rob1742

We all have one that stands out. I’ll go first shall I? 

South Shields 1995. A pub which I think was called Kirkpatricks. 

We had just been for a Chinese on Sea Road, then landed in Kirkpatricks, downed a few sips of beer and my guts just turned over. There was no holding it in, it had to come out.

The missus looked at me with a scrunched up face as if to say “surely not you”

I just couldn’t help but laugh as this putrid stench filled the air, Geordies turning around wondering who had done it, the missus pointing at me “ it was him”

They are a tough bunch up there, but I am telling you I was there when grown men just left their pints and walked out, hurling abuse at me as they left. I took out 90% of the customers with one fart.

My best fart by along way. 

I popped up to a solicitors in Shields a few weeks ago, it wasn’t far from Kirkpatricks and as I spoke to the solicitor I wanted to tell him of the fart I did over the road many years earlier . I bottled it in the end, but  we are getting on well and I know it will only be a matter of time before I point to the pub over the road and recall the story. 

robgilmo

My four year old is obsessed with farts, and he likes to fart on me, he makes a huge effort to do so.

Jalapeno

Better than a lift - a cable car !  Everyone locked in with it for 10 minutes !!!!!!!!

Funkfingers

robgilmo said:

My four year old … likes to fart on me, he makes a huge effort to do so.

Time for a shart exit? Have a Zippo lighter handy! 

Winny_Pooh

https://www.tiktok.com/@mreliford21/video/6833107016169409798

Fuengi

When is lockdown over? 

RiftAmps

When I was 18 I finally had an appendectomy after a few torturous months of abdominal pain. It was a four hour operation as they had to sort out some other issues whilst they were inside. The first fart that I did after that operation was magnificent. It didn’t smell at ALL but it was so loud it that it was the kind of fart usually heard in a slapstick Hollywood movie. Arse trumpet doesn’t quite cover it.

Nothing ever come close to that epic feat of flatulance until once again I was hospitalised I my late twenties for another bout of abdominal pain. A small batch of gallstones had blocked a bile duct and caused a number of issues, including white stools (don’t google that, trust me). This was the most unwell I’ve ever felt, by a long way. After a few days in hospital and a course of medication I was sent home and all was well. My farts, however, were very frequent and smelt so bad I can’t quite describe it. I imagine that this is what human decay must smell like because it was so vile and would obliterate your nostrils.

The funny thing is, I kinda want to drop one of those again so I can relive the horror one last time.


You did ask.

Hattigol

I was at a seated gig once, sitting near the front. I knew I had an absolute rotter brewing but had to let it go. As it scorched its way out, I exhaled, sending the musty putridness towards the stage.

To my horror, the singer then recoiled and started accusing various band-members of the heinous crime which took a good while to disperse.

I felt so ashamed. 
But so proud.

revsorg

I live in Essex and went by train to a meeting in Derby with an important client - this was around about 2007.  I'd recently become kind of over-confident and the night before had a curry, which proved to be my undoing.

I arrived at my client's office just in time for the meeting and I was feeling kind of bloated.  As the meeting progressed my stomach kept doing that noise like dodgy drains.  Eventually after the meeting I walked outside and thought I'd relieve some of the pressure with a little fart and shat myself. It was the loneliest I have ever felt 150 miles from home in the city centre.

I went to British Home Stores and got myself a pack of new pants, went to the toilet and stuck the old ones in the bins outside.  The train journey home was awful, one of those days when none of the trains are running on time.  What i didn't do on that homeward journey was trust a fart.

Dominic

3 years ago I stopped to look in a shop window in an arcade with little niche doorway Vitrines so a very confined space .
There was nobody about and as I looked in the window I let rip a tumultuous fart .......one of those that has been rumbling for ages and the relief that it's finally ready is like an instant recovery from a year of constipation.
 To fully dispel the offending item and in a moment of mindfulness and pure relaxation I cocked my leg like a dog and revelled in it. Godspeed to the outer Methane layer or wherever they go .
 I turned around to walk away and hadn't noticed this stunning lady of about 28 years old directly in the line of fire who had patiently waited ,keys in hand ,to open the shop thinking I wanted to get in and view something...(she had come over from the little bijou shop opposite without my noticing)
 Out of sheer embarrassment I went to run away......she stepped to the side to aid my escape at exactly the same moment that I went to sidestep her .Like Boris Johnson knocking a kid rugby player flying i sent her sprawling across the floor .......and just kept running .
 I was mortified .
The next day my wife and I went out to dinner and had just finished our main course when the reserved table next to us was suddenly occupied by a lady and young gentleman . You guessed it !
I was so embarrassed that I kept looking away and scrunching up my face so she didn't recognise me and my wife is saying loudly "why are you making those silly faces " . The lady at the next table didn't say a word but I could tell she recognised me.
We didn't have a desert but I have always thought that she must have told her husband "that weirdo old man who was making faces was the one who farted on me and knocked me down running away "

Axe_meister

Was in a particularly difficult meeting at work. Tempers were running hot, voices were raised. And then one of those awkward silences where everybody is trying to think of the next argument to bring to the table.
Well the bottle of wine from the night before had finally worked it's magic resulting in one of those farts that just explodes so hard it actually hurts.
The result, everybody in stitches including the CTO.
Once we all had gathered our senses (the odd chuckle carried on all afternoon), we actually got the the answer we needed to move the project forward.

bazxkr

Worse one I experienced was done by my buddy. We were on a flight simulator at one of the holiday camps. So we are all locked into this 20 passenger capsule of adults and kids and he lets rip right at the beginning. So the rides starts and everyone had to endure it until the ride was over, about 8 mins, and it was putrid. When the attendant opened up to let us out at the end even she gagged. His wife came close to divorcing him that day. It was evil but now he consider it one of his greatest triumphs, puts it up there with Napoleon at Austerlitz........I'm amazed nobody chucked up......

scrumhalf

I live in the hope and expectation that my best fart is yet to come.

A man has to have goals in life, after all. 

starwarsnosebleed

I produce so many, im sure ive ripped a hole in the ozone layer.

fob

When I was a young man one of my friends said that it was medically impossible to produce five separate tones when farting. To most of us even judging a fart by the number of tones hadn't occurred to us but it did start a new hobby for us all. Once you start thinking about it you instinctively try for different tones and count. Two's easy, three rarer and four very rare though not impossible. One morning I managed five - no witnesses but possibly the proudest day of my life.

McSwaggerty

fob said:

When I was a young man one of my friends said that it was medically impossible to produce five separate tones when farting. To most of us even judging a fart by the number of tones hadn't occurred to us but it did start a new hobby for us all. Once you start thinking about it you instinctively try for different tones and count. Two's easy, three rarer and four very rare though not impossible. One morning I managed five - no witnesses but possibly the proudest day of my life.

Fantastic.
I believe you 100%

rivercider

Not quite a classic fart scenario, but nonetheless it bears relating as a warning. Last week a ready meal truly had its wicked way with me.
I'd pushed the boat out and spent big on one of those Charlie Bigham meals, a satay curry, as it was on offer (but still friggin expensive).
It was on its date, not over, when I opened it, but the satay sauce bag part of it was puffed up like a pillow about to explode.  The wife told me not to be so damn stupid, throw it away, but I'd spent a whopping  6 or 7 quid on this bloody thing and needed to know what all the fuss was about. Cooked it and started eating it  - tested very off, like it was curdled or something, but maybe it's meant to be like that, I thought. Maybe it's just a damn posh satay, I thought.
Determined to get my money's worth, I pressed on.

Couple of hours later the stomach starts gurgling a bit.
I took a phone call and was sitting on the stairs chatting away when I felt a minor fart approach, but no, actually it was liquid shit that then smashed it's way out of my backside, with no proper warning at all. Truly indecent.

No offence, Mr Bigham, but never again. That was horrific.

WiresDreamDisasters

robgilmo said:

My four year old is obsessed with farts, and he likes to fart on me, he makes a huge effort to do so.

What a legend!

merlin

Rob1742 said:

I popped up to a solicitors in Shields a few weeks ago, it wasn’t far from Kirkpatricks and as I spoke to the solicitor I wanted to tell him of the fart I did over the road many years earlier . I bottled it in the end, but  we are getting on well and I know it will only be a matter of time before I point to the pub over the road and recall the story. 

He was probably in Kirkpatricks at the time and witnessed your heroic fart. 

Remind me to tell you the non-fart-related Frankie Howard incident sometime...

drofluf

As you gain altitude going up a mountain or in an unpressurised aircraft the pressure decreases both in absolute terms and, more relevantly in relative terms compared with the gaseous fumes trapped inside you. 

The other thing is as the pressure decreases less oxygen is available and your thinking becomes confused.  Learning to recognise this is an important part of the Air Force aircrew training so they put you in a decompression chamber , take you to 20,000 feet and the you take off your oxygen mask and carry out some simple tasks such as basic arithmetic to make you realise what the impact is. 

Being the military you are also comprehensively briefed ahead of time. Part of the briefing the day before was not to have a curry the night before and to take it easy on the beers. Being young, cynical hotshots we gave the briefing due attention and carried on regardless. 

Fast forward to the next day. As the outside pressure decreases internal pressures rose to uncontainable levels. Now as there were ten of us in that chamber I can’t claim full credit, or indeed any, for the stench that greeted my nostrils when it was my turn to take the oxygen mask off but I’ll leave the intensity to your imaginations. 

poopot

My gran would fart on every step as she assessed or descended any and all staircases!!!! Every fucking time!!! Without fail!!!!