The tale of the horse..

eoinzy

A horse is sitting at home watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Dominic

Precis    

AK99

Short version..

There's a Horse and an Alligator sitting at the bar. Barman walks up and says - "Here lads, wot's wiv'all the long faces then eh ?

Sassafras

Horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "why the short face?".

munckee

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says “hey why the long face”. thousands of people signed an online petition to get the barman fired for racism. 

KKJale

Two goldfish walk into a bar and the barman says, "Hey, why the long faeces?"

eoinzy

Despite all the horse's musical achievements he was still defined by his looks

fastonebaz

He was hung like a horse though.  So he had that going for him. 

proggy

A white horse walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Do you have any whiskey?"
"Of course" said the barman "I've even got one named after you"
"What, Charlie" said the horse.

eoinzy

fastonebaz said:

He was hung like a horse though.  So he had that going for him. 

Apparently not. It's just a stereotype

axisus

It's kind of a long winded joke for a very old punchline.

PhilW1

...then he died and some cunt sat on him.
The End.

Emp_Fab

I hate you.

RandallFlagg

man sits on a dead horse in a bar....

zepp76

A man walks into a pub with a biscuit tin in one hand and a duck under his other arm and asks the patrons, if I can make this duck dance on this biscuit tin will you buy me a drink? One person comes over and says sure, show me. He places the tin on the bar, puts the duck on the tin and it immediately starts tap dancing! Amazed, the person buys him a double. This goes on for a while with other people coming in and buying him drinks to see the duck tap dance. He’s soon three sheets to the wind and when the pub has died down the landlord asks, just how do you get that duck to tap dance on that tin?

The man pulls the lid off the tin and blows the candle out.

Sassafras

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

zepp76

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

scrumhalf

A horse goes into a pub and goes up to the bar.

"Why the long pause?" asks the barman.

The horse looks at him and says "I think you're in the wrong joke." 

Sassafras

zepp76 said:

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

Point taken.

PhilW1

zepp76 said:

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

Said Noddys mate.

zepp76

PhilW1 said:

zepp76 said:

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

Said Noddys mate.

Three people are waiting to go in for a job interview, the first person is called in and has a very good interview. At the end, the boss who has a bit of a complex about his physical deformity asks, before you go, is there anything you notice that’s different about me? The interviewee replies yes, I noticed that you have one ear down on your neck and one near the top of your head. He is asked to leave and the next person is called in, again the interview goes very well, the interviewee has all the right credentials and at the end is asked the same question, he also replies that he noticed the boss had one ear on his neck and one near the top of his head. He’s asked to leave and the last person is called in. The interview didn’t go so well, the boss just didn’t like the cut of his jib and had a bit of an attitude towards him. At the end he still asks the same question, do you notice anything different about me? The interviewee replies yes, you wear contact lenses don’t you. The boss is impressed and asks, how did you know? The interviewee replies, well you wouldn’t wear glasses with ears like that!

drofluf

On behalf of all people who have one ear on their neck and one near the top of their head and their friends, families and coworkers I was offended by that so called "joke".

Well once I stopped laughing  I was

midlifecrisis

a bear goes into a bar and says " id like a ...........................................................drink please"
the barman asks "why the big pause" (paws)

Brio

Celine Dion goes into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

breakstuff

You do realise that all these bars are breaking Covid laws by still being open?

munckee

A man repeatedly goes to the doctor with terrible headaches, the doctor tries every solution known to medicine with no improvement. Eventually the man is referred to a specialist surgeon who advises that the only solution is to remove his genitals which will improve blood flow and stop them. The man reluctantly agrees and after the op the headaches have gone. 

The man decides to celebrate by having a bespoke suit made, the tailor looks him up and down and says “jacket 40 long, 2 button single breasted sir and 34 waist 33 leg trousers.” The man says “sorry I’m 32 waist 33 leg always have been”. 

The tailor replies “I have 30 years experience sir’ believe me if you wear that size trousers you will have too much pressure on your testicles which will result in terrible headaches.”

merlin

zepp76 said:

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim go into a bar, order drinks and sit down for a chat at a table. 

Isn't it nice to live in a multi-cultural society?

zepp76

merlin said:

zepp76 said:

Sassafras said:

Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?

If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears. 

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim go into a bar, order drinks and sit down for a chat at a table. 

Isn't it nice to live in a multi-cultural society?

Is that cultural or religious? 

jdgm

A Shetland pony goes into a bar.

The barman does the "why the long face?" line.

The Shetland pony whispers something inaudible.

"What? Can't hear you, speak up!" Says the barman.

The Shetland pony gets right up close and says

"Sorry, I'm a little hoarse."

(Edited part of a longer very crap joke which also features Shakespeare, a dog, a leopard and a giraffe on a bicycle).

AlexC

A horse goes into a pub, eats some Salt & Vinegar crisps and sips a pint of beer minding its own business.
A band comes on and starts playing.
After doing Brown Eyed Girl and Wonderwall the singer asks “any requests?”
And the horse shouts out “Do you know Mustang Sally.”
And the singer replies “Why - is she a friend of yours?”

munckee

A duck walks into a bar and orders a ham sandwich and pint and sits down to read the paper, the barman is astonished to see a talking duck who can read, the duck catches him staring and asks what's up.  The barman says he has never seen a talking or reading duck and asks him how he comes to be in the pub.  The duck replies that he is a plasterer on the building site across the road.  The barman is even more astonished to meet a talking, reading duck who is also a plasterer.

He says to the duck "I've got a mate who runs a circus who would love you, he would pay you well."

The duck says "what a travelling circus with animals in cages??"

The barman quite embarrassed says yes.

The duck replies "Why would a circus need a plasterer?"