Too late to correct.

Hootsmon

I liked the one from the "reality TV star"

"They are trying tae make me the escaped goat"

Handsome_Chris

My better half once said, and I'm laughing just thinking of it, "Do you need all these guitars?"

Good times

BillDL

AK99 said:

..... waxing lyrical about the evils of Trade Unions to a potential group of clients  - "No time or patience for them at all. To me they're just like ... a big octopus... spreading their testicles out anywhere they can to cause trouble".

When I was about 14 my father was involved in a terrible car accident that almost killed him.  He was in hospital all strung up in plaster casts and in traction for many months and had to learn to walk again on calipers. One of the multiple injuries was a smashed jaw that was wired up for a long time.  After it healed the maxillofacial surgeons and orthodontists had to try and adjust his jaw so that he could chew food again, or "masticating" as they repeatedly referred to the action.  Having heard this expression so many times my Mother let one slip when the church minister and a group of her church friends asked her about my Dad's progress as they left at the end of a service:

"He can stand up and move in the calipers now and his ribs aren't as painful, but he still has difficulty masturbating".

She remembers this vividly and still cringes all these years later as she tells me how she felt like crawling under a pew.

TheOtherDennis

Tannin said:

My favourite comes from a football club forum I'm a member of. We were discussing some proposed tactic or other and someone said "On no, we'd never do that here, it's not in our D and A."

I worked with a guy who also said that one.

He was talking about police forensics, who had come round to his house to dust for prints after he'd been burgled. "They were hoping to get some d and a so they could catch the curator of the crime."

Thereafter he was known as The Curator.

TheOtherDennis

Handsome_Chris said:

poopot said:

Ffs… just got in… asked how the meeting went… ok apparently…

then I get, not “how was your day?” Etc

but….

”how tall was Jesus?”

FML

I hate to be the bear of bad news, but I think that you've got your work cut out for you. I know, I live with a lady who raises questions from obscure places.

I see what you did there. Very good.

skullfunkerry

Once with an ex we bumped into one of her friends, who was something like the treasurer for the local church. He asked her if her daughter was “horsing”, which she was: she spent most of her spare time at the stables, working or horseriding.

”Where’s your wife?” asked my ex
”She’s out dogging!” he replied, then cracked up and clarified that she was walking the dogs

Dominic

I used to work with somebody who always referred to things Pacifcally and things that spanned accrossed something.
There are natural Shibboleths too .....almost  all Caribbean people have difficulty with 'Asking' and 'Arksing ' 
There are a lot of English words that are difficult for Farsi speakers .

gordiji

Damp squid's one of my faves, if corrected i simply say 'have you ever seen one that wasn't'. 'Not my kettle 'o ballgame' is another fave as is 'believe ME you' which makes more sense really.

Nitefly

Around the turn of the century (!) many people went on about the minnellium, and now I can't say the bloody word properly... 

Nitefly

Oh yes, and my Granny used to claim she'd been mizzled, when in fact she'd been misled 

Bellycaster

"Hello Fawlty Titties!"

BillDL

In keeping with the "too late to correct" aspect of this thread, when I was 18 I had to take the bus to my work every day for about a year.  I invariably saw the same woman waiting for another bus that came a short time later and before long our daily 10 minute conversations had covered sufficient topics that we knew quite a lot about each others' lives.  I do remember that she introduced herself fairly early on, but I am terrible at remembering names.  She remembered mine, and was one of those people that incorporated it into conversation frequently, for example "Well Bill, I was wondering the same".  I rarely use peoples' names when I'm talking with them and, for about 6 months I never really had the need to use her name during conversation until I was walking in the town with somebody on my day off and she called over to me by name.  I knew as she was walking over how embarrassing it would be trying to introduce somebody I had got to know for half a year without knowing her name, and it was cringeworthy.

richardhomer

My significant other recently said something was ‘a damp squid’ (about something that wasn’t a squid that was damp).

My correction was Exocet-like in its speed…

Dominic

BillDL said:

In keeping with the "too late to correct" aspect of this thread, when I was 18 I had to take the bus to my work every day for about a year.  I invariably saw the same woman waiting for another bus that came a short time later and before long our daily 10 minute conversations had covered sufficient topics that we knew quite a lot about each others' lives.  I do remember that she introduced herself fairly early on, but I am terrible at remembering names.  She remembered mine, and was one of those people that incorporated it into conversation frequently, for example "Well Bill, I was wondering the same".  I rarely use peoples' names when I'm talking with them and, for about 6 months I never really had the need to use her name during conversation until I was walking in the town with somebody on my day off and she called over to me by name.  I knew as she was walking over how embarrassing it would be trying to introduce somebody I had got to know for half a year without knowing her name, and it was cringeworthy.

I get into this situation a lot ........bad memory for names and very slightly deaf so sometimes I don't actually catch a name upon introduction.
When in this situation my standby is ' I don't want to feel like a gameshow host so I'll let you introduce yourselves '
 It's not great but it's better than standing there like a mute.

BillDL

Dominic said:

I get into this situation a lot ........bad memory for names and very slightly deaf so sometimes I don't actually catch a name upon introduction.

What's that Dominic? Eh?  Speak up lad.  Who are you again?  Aaah, right.  What was that you were saying George?

proggy

My ex-boss had a really stupid wife, a right airhead. She would get worked up and start screaming and shouting at the slightest, stupid little thing.
She marched into the shop one day screaming at her husband that their next door neighbour had blocked their drive with a wheelie bin. I said to her, "Why are you getting all stressed out over nothing?"
She said, "It's all right for you. We've been at Leatherhead with that family since we moved in."
To which I replied, "I had no idea you relocated to Surrey"
She just gave me a vacant stare and said, "What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

Dominic

I've come across quite a few people in the last 18 months who have had to isolate or close their shop because of CORVID
I guess Alfred Hitchcock had the same problem 

Handsome_Chris

TheOtherDennis said:

Handsome_Chris said:

poopot said:

Ffs… just got in… asked how the meeting went… ok apparently…

then I get, not “how was your day?” Etc

but….

”how tall was Jesus?”

FML

I hate to be the bear of bad news, but I think that you've got your work cut out for you. I know, I live with a lady who raises questions from obscure places.

I see what you did there. Very good.

That's catphrase!!! :P

Handsome_Chris

Nitefly said:

Around the turn of the century (!) many people went on about the minnellium, and now I can't say the bloody word properly... 

THere's a lost marketing opportunity which could have rebooted Liza's career.

merlin

When I was a kid, my mum's friend used to say that she didn't trust someone because of all the "weaseling and dieseling".

She also talked about her female dog (who was called Gyp....ouch) and needing to keep her indoors when she was on heat otherwise she'd make puppies. "She can't help it, it's only human nature".