The Fatherhood thread

TTony

It used to be that the first 18 years were the hardest and then it gets easier. 

 Nowadays, with student debt and mega-mortgages required for a shoe cupboard, I think it's about 35 years. 

It is scary at first, but it gets less scary, less like work, and hugely more enjoyable and rewarding pretty quickly.  Enjoy.

capo4th

Breast feeding .... Wife gave up after a week. Son losing too much weight everyone stressed. Cartons of formula SMA are brilliant no messing around. Little man gets everything he needs when ever he needs it and my wife still has a great set of tits. Don't get me started on midwives! Best advice I can give is sleep you all need it ! Buy a quality baby monitor and at 6 weeks put junior in his own cot and get him into a routine of sleeping in his own bed. Parents will sleep better, junior sleeps better because he can't hear dad snoring... Any probs baby monitor wakes you up. Sleep is crucial for everyone in the first 6 months. I can count on2 hands the number of times my boy has woken in the night he loves his 11 hours kip ! Anyway just enjoy it my son is now my best friend we have a great bond and now aged 5 he won man of the match at rugby today. Those are the feelings you can't beat ! Good luck!

monquixote

Our first is 20 months and our next one is due in about three weeks and I would echo a lot of the good stuff that has been said in this thread.

The most important point of all being of course "do things your way". All babies and parents are different and if it works for you then it works end of story. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into doing things by the book because the worst thing for a child is miserable (or divorced) parents so whatever gets you through the night just do it and don't feel guilty about it.

Case in point for us I never thought I'd be someone who left a baby to cry, but we learned that with our girl you just had to as going in to her just made her more distressed and essentially reset the timer of how long she'd take to get to sleep. Following the "rules" was resulting in her having about 8 hours sleep a day (when she should be having 15) and us about 3 or 4 and all of us being cranky and unable to function. 

Some people told me leaving her was "child abuse" and that she would forever be scared and never have any secure relationships in her life and as a result I'd end up sitting crying because I was so stressed out listening to her crying through the baby monitor, but knowing I couldn't go to her, but we did what we worked out we had to do and now we put her to bed at 7:30 and she sleeps until 8am and if she wakes up in the night she plays with her toys for a bit and puts herself back to sleep meaning we all have lots of sleep and everyone is happy. That may or may not be the right way for you to do things and it may or may not be the right thing to do for my next one time will tell. 

Yes the first bit is crushingly hard, but it gets better and so do you as you rapidly start to understand what your baby wants and how to do things and you stop worrying that the baby has stopped breathing every time it gurgles in it's cot. 

Also though it doesn't seem like it at the time all of these phases are incredibly short lived. They really are a baby for a tiny amount of time and a 3 month old is completely different from a newborn and the same is true of a six month old, a nine month old and at their first birthday they very rapidly start talking and walking and they aren't a baby anymore.

This is both good and bad because any of the problems you are having will go away, but new ones will come along and wrongfoot you when you think you've got it worked out. I always wanted to punch people when they would say "Is she sleeping through?" like it's some milestone as they might do for a couple of weeks and then stop again because a tooth is coming through etc. 

As others have said the "Brestapo" as they are often called can fuck right off. I've heard stories of overzealous health workers reducing mothers to tears because they couldn't breast feed their children. A lot of the evidence that breast is best is overhyped on the grounds that middle class mothers tend to breastfeed and mothers in poverty don't so when they track their development in later years of course little Jocasta and Hugo are doing better than little Wayne and Chardonnay. 

I'm sure there is some benefit to breastfeeding, but again better a bottle fed baby whose mother doesn't have mastitis and crippling guilt affecting her parenting.

My sister in law breastfed her first one, it didn't work out with the second one and the third one took to it straight away so again it's as much about the kid and what they want to do. My girl was breastfed and my wife found it really hard at first then after a few weeks they both got the hang of it and it got much better. It does offer some advantages as you don't have to piss about with formula and endless sterilising and also their poo doesn't smell as bad and they don't get as constipated.

Also much as women seem to obsess over them newborns are actually quite boring. I didn't have anything like the "rush of unconditional love" thing that you are supposed to have (not to say I didn't love my daughter) and I know loads of people men and women who have said the same thing. As her personality developed I grew to love her with a depth that staggers me. It's like a whole new kind of love you've never experienced as unique and different from the love you have for your wife, parents and, brothers and sisters. As they learn to react to the things you do the joy and reward of it is just unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Having my little girl run to the door shouting "DADDY!!!" when I get home from work (unless Waybuloo is on then I have to wait) instantly cancels out any shit that I've had from my day at work. 

thumpingrug

I remember all that hard work, sleepless nights, nappies and the constant worry that your doing it all wrong and can't cope.   21 yeas later my youngest has recently finished Uni and moved back home. She's working a couple of crappy jobs as she applies for a proper job and she makes me feel proud every day.   

 Its worth it.

chillidoggy

It gets more expensive. That's all.

mudslide73

Our first year was incredibly difficult with my dw being seriously ill during the 1st six months. The upside to this was I got to spend six months with ds1.

RobDavies

Get into a routine every night: Bath at 6pm, bottle at 6:30pm, bed at 7pm.

My first went through the night from three weeks, the second from three months.

Me and the wife also shared the responsibilities - she doesn't do mornings so I was happy to do the 6am feed, as long as she did the 2am feed.

CloudNine

First one is definitely the hardest. Easy to worry about every little thing, but they are generally a bit tougher than they look.

Beware those midwives though!! More an art than a science is midwifery... They work on percentages, that 'most' babies will be ok with breast milk only etc.

With our first, we told them time and time again she wasn't getting enough milk, she was screaming all day every day, horrible to watch. But they would not listen at all. "Breast is best", "it will be fine", blah blah blah.

On the home visits, they were not even weighing her. We eventually insisted the midwife go and get her scales from the car. 10 mins later, midwife is on phone to paediatrician panicked about dramatic weight loss. Then we were off to hospital, on a drip, they worried about seizures etc. due to dehydration..

Doctor was livid and cursing the midwifes, says it happens all the time because of their mantra about breast feeding.

If you ever think something is wrong, defo get a second opinion.

UnclePsychosis

In defence of the "breastfeeding mantra", I know loads of people who've quit without even bothering to give it a proper try. Fair enough if it's really not working out, but lots of people seem to just be looking for excuses not to straight off the bat. It's a bit of a skill for mum and baby, you need to give them time to learn :-)

Evilmags

Mine is now 17 so the baby stuff is so far back in the memory it's another lifetime.

hungrymark

Our son (first) was born on the 1st October and I have to say it's not been anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be. He's a good sleeper and we're doing combo feeding, boobs in the day with a bottle in the night because it's quicker and means we can share it, with the other one getting some kip. We're still getting 6—7 hours sleep a night, which isn't a lot less than I'd normally get anyway. He doesn't seem like a crier so far either (only really when we change his nappy, and he shuts up when you put his clothes back on). I suppose the acid test for me will be when I go back to work on Thursday. I'm also very aware that he could change at any time but so far it's been pretty awesome. He's a good little boy.

The birth was a different story though - he got distressed, had a poo in the womb, wife needed an episiotomy and he wasn't breathing when he came out. I was in the resuscitation room with him, which was pretty fucking horrifying. I mean it could have been a lot worse but I've got nothing in my life to compare to seeing my newborn being artificially respirated.

EricTheWeary

Married to an elf visitor, my sister is a midwife, sister in law another elf visitor, they would be raising some eyebrows at some of this! At the end of the day they are there to offer advice ... and make sure they don't get the blame in some horrible child abuse case. The stages come and go quick enough and give you a life time of embarrassing stories about them. Looking at my nephew's daughter yesterday who is about 6 months, hard to believe my huge sons were ever that tiny. At the end of the day you can't get every thing right ( or even know what right is) just do the best you can.

hungrymark

Our midwives have been alright, but do bang on about breast feeding. We decided to just coast it and do what works for us and the boy, whatever that may be. We're both scientists and know inconclusive research when we see it. And we figured that the benefits to the boy of a pair of relaxed parents probably outweigh the marginal benefit of exclusively boobing it (we're doing it combination, as I say).

Iamnobody

Some of these breast feeding stories are the opposite of our experience. My wife desperately wanted to - but it didn't work out.

We were also milking her like a cow with the pumps - she was exhausted and felt she didn't get enough help or advice...

Still as @capo4th said - formula works and the only spaniel's ears round here are on the neighbours dog! Every cloud...

monquixote

Iamnobody said:

Still as @capo4th said formula works and the only spaniel's ears round here are on the neighbours dog! Every cloud...

Don't know if it's more pro breastfeeding propaganda, but supposedly it's the changes during pregnancy that make them droop if they are going to. My wife breastfed my daughter for a year and was fine.

Iamnobody

I had been told that actually - but why let facts get in the way of a joke!

I know if we have another child we will try and learn from the mistakes made last time and give it another go.

There will also be less pressure next time as we know the alternative is perfectly acceptable.

UnclePsychosis

My personal take on breast feeding is that even if you think that the research that favours it isn't as conclusive as you'd like, there are so many other good reasons to do it that it should still be your first choice.

1. Its free

2. No faffing around making up formula at 3am

3. No need to sterillise bottles

4. You burn something like 500 calories a day breastfeeding. Free weightloss!

5. Mum now has the ability to excuse herself from any social situation she wants for as long as she wants. Family getting on her nerves at Christmas? "Sorry, got to go feed the baby..."

6. No need to plan ahead when leaving the house---how long we going for? how many bottles, etc?

7. Never run out of milk when baby is hungry

8. Zero carbon footprint

9. Momma keeps those baby boobs for longer  

I'm really not having a go at bottle feeders---each baby and family is different and you really, genuinely, do have to do what works for you---but as far as I can see breast feeding will always be first choice

monquixote

EricTheWeary said:

Married to an elf visitor, my sister is a midwife, sister in law another elf visitor, they would be raising some eyebrows at some of this! At the end of the day they are there to offer advice ... and make sure they don't get the blame in some horrible child abuse case. The stages come and go quick enough and give you a life time of embarrassing stories about them. Looking at my nephew's daughter yesterday who is about 6 months, hard to believe my huge sons were ever that tiny. At the end of the day you can't get every thing right ( or even know what right is) just do the best you can.

Our midwives were brilliant and our health visitor essentially said "Are you going to hit your baby, leave it in the garden while you go to a party, or try and feed it crisps? OK well it weighs enough I'll see you in a year" I think they are kind of geared up for more deprived areas or very young, or thick parents. They were perfectly nice though.

viz

Find a way that works for you. Lots of people have advice, some of it is good so keep youa ears open, but lots of it is baby-specific and comes with a lot of pressure. So ignore all that and enjoy it. It only gets better!

EricTheWeary

Being a health visitor is a bit of a lottery. All new moms get them but your patch might be middle class moms who've gone to parenting classes or it might be all child protection and death cots. When I still worked as a social worker we made Britain's most depressing couple...