Friday humour

Emp_Fab

axisus

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Kebabkid

axisus said:

This reminds me of a true story my brother-in-law up in Liverpool told me.

He's a Blue (Evertonian) since knee-high. Anyway, he used to park his car close the ground on match days and kids, well, little scrotes, had a little protection scam going on and one such conversation went like this:-

Kid: '50p to look after your car, mister'.
My B-I-L:, 'Nah. You're ok and I've left my big dog in there'
Kid: 'Yeah? Can it put out fires'?

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Nitefly

^^ fabulous!

axisus

Bridgehouse

proggy

I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts.
I haven't got an addiction, it's just a great way of meeting promiscuous women.

Jimbro66

axisus said:

That is so true!

phil_b

Hootsmon

axisus

The Magnificent Seven were booked to do an advert for aftershave in Liverpool but only six turned up.

Yul never wore cologne...

AlexC

My wife looked at my bank account and hit the roof.
”Are you cheating on me?”, she shouted.
”Only with guitars,” I replied, truthfully.
She thought for a moment.
”Well hire some hookers and take up cocaine. It’d be cheaper.”


I just made that up. 

No basis in reality.
Obviously.

AlexC

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
i can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

blobb

HAL9000

A duck walks into a puband orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. 


"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  


"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him


"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 


"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.


"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.




“”With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ............


Why would they need a plasterer?