Friday humour

Hootsmon

Fretwired

Fretwired

EricTheWeary

I thought I'd start the new year off with a dip in the local swimming baths. The lifeguard shouted at me 'oi what have you got there?' so I explained it was hummus and a celery stick.

crunchman

In an email I just got from my daughters school about parents evening:

If you do not have access to the internet, please contact me and I will be happy to add appointments on your behalf.

Headphones

Just got cut up on a roundabout by a car with the regstration PU55 SY..  I'll skip the last letter to offer some anonymity to the, um.. twat...

RH entry lane of three to turn left

Simply because it's true doesn't mean it's not a joke!

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Fretwired

EricTheWeary

I went to Errol Brown’s restaurant once. I had the tasting menu. It started with a quiche.

Hootsmon

TheMarlin

https://imgur.com/a/Uiqe9p4

proggy

I've just bought one of those Fleetwood Mac Sat Navs and I'm going to ask for my money back.
Whenever I type a destination into it, it just says "You can go your own way"

Fretwired

axisus

EricTheWeary

axisus said:

I thought that was going to be 

None

Ooh, BabyBel

Kebabkid

My wife and I were over in New York recently and were out doing a bit of shopping when I spotted a guitar shop and asked if we could go in, to which my wife reluctantly agreed.

Browsing around, I suddenly spotted my all time favourite guitar, an Olympic White, 1962 Fender Strat, and excitedly called a shop assistant over. As he approached us, my wife bent down to take a closer look at it and farted. To hide her embarrassment, she quickly asked the assistant 'How much is it'?

He replied, 'Madam, if you farted by just looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price'!

Hootsmon

HAL9000

I applied to become a Trappist monk. I was told ‘No chants’.

blobb