Friday humour

mgaw

A Californian guy is riding his Harley on the beach when the clouds part 
, a shaft of celestial light descends accompanied by a booming voice.

”Mathew my child you have been a faithful servant to me, God.  As a reward I will grant you one request for anything that you feel will change your life for the better”

Mathew has a think…….

”Lord, how about a bridge from here to Hawaii?
I could ride over there whenever I liked”

after a moment or two God replies

”Mathew my Son, that is quite an undertaking, it would take all of the concrete and steel in the world to build such a thing, I fear it is, like HS2, a step too far”

”think again my Son”

”well God, there is another thing, sometimes when I return home, my wife sits there frostily, the atmosphere is tense and I find it very uncomfortable. When I ask her if I have upset or offended her, ask her what is wrong she moodily snaps “nothing”.

”Lord could you explain to me what is going on?”

God takes a pause…

”how many lanes did you want on that bridge of yours Son”

axisus

Emp_Fab

Can you do one where it says '76 new' and 'closed' and title it "Probably an Emp thread" ?

Emp_Fab

For those folk that aren't fully aware of the terminology, the glass of water joke is basically mocking you for not knowing that our sun is a star and the solar system is just that and the planets that orbit it, not the entire galaxy or universe.

Therefore we have one star in OUR solar system and there are two hydrogen atoms in a molecule of water.

Ha ha ha ha.  Let's all point and laugh shall we ? 

Sporky

I disagree.

The joke is that it's constructed to look like something stupid that gets posted on social media, and at first glance is "obviously wrong".

Its about how we read what we expect, not what's written. 

Emp_Fab

Fair enough.  I'll buy that.

Ok. In that case, it was a bit mean of some other posters to mock the guys that didn't understand.

Emp_Fab

A man walks into a pub and the landlord's astonished. Half of the man's head is half of a huge orange.

'So sorry to be nosy,' the landlord says, 'but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?'

'Well, I was cleaning up the loft,' the man says. 'And I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, "May I grant you any three wishes, master?"'

'So I said, "I'd like to have a million pounds – and every time I take the million pounds out of my pocket, another million appears there."'

The genie said, 'Your wish is granted. And your second wish?'

The man says, 'I'd like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.'

'Your wish is granted,' says the genie. 'And your third wish?'

'I'd like half my head to be half of a huge orange.

Sporky

I'm already bored with my time machine, and I've only had it a year.

I probably won't bother getting it.

Stratavarious

Sporky said:

I'm already bored with my time machine, and I've only had it a year.

I probably won't bother getting it.

That joke takes me back

DesVegas

Wow

merlin

I had a dream last night.
I dreamed I was awake. 
Woke up and I was. 

Haych

"Hey dad, I watched a guy do fifty push-ups in a row today!  Could you do that?"

"Hell, son.  I could probably watch a guy do a hundred push-ups!"

axisus

merlin said:

I had a dream last night.
I dreamed I was awake. 
Woke up and I was. 

.... at a wake

equalsql

TheMarlin

TheMarlin

TheMarlin

TheMarlin

TheMarlin

maltingsaudio

Skip to 1:07 Get Down Shep!
https://youtu.be/tXSpi1d5usY?si=kqbEe3Vpo4vgxdad