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  • droflufdrofluf Frets: 3615
    On behalf of all people who have one ear on their neck and one near the top of their head and their friends, families and coworkers I was offended by that so called "joke".

    Well once I stopped laughing  I was :)
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  • a bear goes into a bar and says " id like a ...........................................................drink please"
    the barman asks "why the big pause" (paws)
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  • BrioBrio Frets: 1789
    Celine Dion goes into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10229

    You do realise that all these bars are breaking Covid laws by still being open?

    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • munckeemunckee Frets: 12255
    A man repeatedly goes to the doctor with terrible headaches, the doctor tries every solution known to medicine with no improvement. Eventually the man is referred to a specialist surgeon who advises that the only solution is to remove his genitals which will improve blood flow and stop them. The man reluctantly agrees and after the op the headaches have gone. 

    The man decides to celebrate by having a bespoke suit made, the tailor looks him up and down and says “jacket 40 long, 2 button single breasted sir and 34 waist 33 leg trousers.” The man says “sorry I’m 32 waist 33 leg always have been”. 

    The tailor replies “I have 30 years experience sir’ believe me if you wear that size trousers you will have too much pressure on your testicles which will result in terrible headaches.”
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  • merlinmerlin Frets: 6597
    zepp76 said:
    Sassafras said:
    Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?
    If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears.  :3
    A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim go into a bar, order drinks and sit down for a chat at a table. 

    Isn't it nice to live in a multi-cultural society?
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  • zepp76zepp76 Frets: 2534
    merlin said:
    zepp76 said:
    Sassafras said:
    Where do you lot find these jokes, archaeological digs?
    If you have a modern PC joke that won’t offend anyone, I’m all ears.  :3
    A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim go into a bar, order drinks and sit down for a chat at a table. 

    Isn't it nice to live in a multi-cultural society?
    Is that cultural or religious? 
    Tomorrow will be a good day.
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  • jdgmjdgm Frets: 850
    edited March 2021
    A Shetland pony goes into a bar.
    The barman does the "why the long face?" line.
    The Shetland pony whispers something inaudible.
    "What? Can't hear you, speak up!" Says the barman.
    The Shetland pony gets right up close and says
    "Sorry, I'm a little hoarse."

    (Edited part of a longer very crap joke which also features Shakespeare, a dog, a leopard and a giraffe on a bicycle).
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  • AlexCAlexC Frets: 2396
    edited March 2021
    A horse goes into a pub, eats some Salt & Vinegar crisps and sips a pint of beer minding its own business.
    A band comes on and starts playing.
    After doing Brown Eyed Girl and Wonderwall the singer asks “any requests?”
    And the horse shouts out “Do you know Mustang Sally.”
    And the singer replies “Why - is she a friend of yours?”
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  • munckeemunckee Frets: 12255
    edited March 2021
    A duck walks into a bar and orders a ham sandwich and pint and sits down to read the paper, the barman is astonished to see a talking duck who can read, the duck catches him staring and asks what's up.  The barman says he has never seen a talking or reading duck and asks him how he comes to be in the pub.  The duck replies that he is a plasterer on the building site across the road.  The barman is even more astonished to meet a talking, reading duck who is also a plasterer.

    He says to the duck "I've got a mate who runs a circus who would love you, he would pay you well."

    The duck says "what a travelling circus with animals in cages??"

    The barman quite embarrassed says yes.

    The duck replies "Why would a circus need a plasterer?"


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  • scrumhalfscrumhalf Frets: 11262
    Two pieces of string walk into a pub. One of them goes up tot he bar and orders two pints of lager. The barman says "sod off, we don't serve pieces of string here".

    The piece of string goes over to his friend and says "he wouldn't serve me, he said they don't serve peices of string in this pub".

    "Leave it to me" says the other peice of string, who bends over and contorts himself into a right old mess, pulling bits of himself out all over the place.

    "Two pints of lager please."

    "'Ere," says the barman, eying him suspiciously, "are you a piece of string?"

    "No, I'm a frayed knot.".
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  • zepp76zepp76 Frets: 2534

    Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

    "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

    "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

    "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

    Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

    "A what?" asked the builder.

    "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

    A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

    "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

    "A pond" the builder replied.

    "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

    "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

    "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

    The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

    "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

    "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

    The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

    "Never!" the builder exclaimed.

    "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

    The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

    "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

    "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

    "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

    "No" replied his mate.

    "Well, you're a wanker then!"

    Tomorrow will be a good day.
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  • AlexCAlexC Frets: 2396
    @zepp76 I genuinely laughed out loud at that! Brilliant.
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10229

    A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "have you seen my brother?" 

    "I don't know" said the barman, "what does he look like?" 



    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10229

    Two horses walk into a bar. 


    You'd have thought at least one of them would have ducked. 

    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10229

    A bloke walks into a pub and to see a horse serving behind the bar. 

    "What you looking at?" said the horse, "haven't you seen a horse serving behind a bar before?"

    "It's not that" replies the bloke, "I'm just surprised the parrot sold the place".

    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • zepp76zepp76 Frets: 2534
    edited March 2021
    Quasimodo walks into a pub and asks for a glass of whisky.

    Bells alright? Asks the barman. None of your fucking business he replies.

    Tomorrow will be a good day.
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  • westwest Frets: 994
    Two fish in a tank ... one turns to the other and says ... can you drive this ? cause im fucked if i can ...
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  • RandallFlaggRandallFlagg Frets: 13929
    Fella across the road from us died at the breakfast table this morning. He drowned while eating his muesli.

    He was pulled under by a strong currant


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  • zepp76zepp76 Frets: 2534
    “Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. 

    As they sipped their whiskies, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

    The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
    Tomorrow will be a good day.
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