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Dear Ol' blue eyes
you're a plagiarisin' bastirt
Scooby-doo
I can't imagine you see anything when you turn out the light....
You are not aware of this but....the other night I sneaked up to your home studio and watched you through the window. Although you were working alone you were recording with vintage Gibson and Epiphone guitars. And that got me thinking. Why are you playing your vintage guitars when nobody is watching you?
And then it hit me. Maybe you are playing those vintage guitars.....because those vintage guitars are completely f*cking awesome.
Thanks for listening and sorry about the language.
You have shit loads of money.
You are adored by fans across the world.
You have sold millions of albums.
So why the long face?
I have now read pretty much all of the Biographies including the recent one written by Ginger Alden. It is now clear to me that you were not that bothered about penetrative sex and that your preference was to indulge in elaborate, varied and prolonged foreplay which would keep you "on the edge" for many many hours.
What sort of bloke would want to go through that night after night??!!!
Thanks to you're staggeringly irresponsible advice I've now been living on this park bench for the last thirty years.
And to top it of,would you believe some f**ker's now nicked my hat so I can't even move.
Thanks for nothing pal.
A.Tramp.
Yes we are planning a bootleg LP.
Yours faithfully,
MI5
Thank you for your kind offer, but as a mirror, I can already watch myself eating.
Kind regards
The mirror
Yes, I do. Please adjust your autotune.
Yours,
Gandalf E Jones
The jilted lovers' association
We can only try. Unfortunately you appear to be in the same situation as most of our members. We can offer you a discount rate.
Yours
Gandalf E Jones
The jilted lovers' association.
If you look under the bench, the hat has fallen to the ground. And probably into a dog poo.
Mr P.Arkkeeper
Ringleader of the Cambridge cartel, pedal champ and king of the dirt boxes (down to 21)
Dear singer with the Darkness
a bed has been made available tae you so we can try an op tae reattach yer bawls
Dr testicools
The song you refer to is a traditional Irish one, and poteen has indeed often been stored in jars, we refer you to J M Synge's celebrated "The Playboy of the Western World" Act III, "giving him poteen from a stone jar she has brought in." A title coincidentally referred to by another Thin Lizzy song. You may be interested to know that "jar" is also used in Hiberno-English to refer to a pint of beer.
While we welcome correspondence, we politely request that you stop addressing it to Mr Lynott, as he has been deceased for a number of years and your repeated letters cause some distress.
Yours,
Keogh and Quinn, representing the estate of Phil Lynott.
P.S.
Which one is Flink?
I regret to inform you that the drumming sound inside your head is highly likely to be tinnitus. Listening to church bells until leave they leave a ringing in your ears will certainly not help this condition and you should come in for a full assessment at the earliest opportunity.
Yours,
Dr McHine.
P.S.
At your next visit please avoid insinuating any of our staff are lying, they are working as hard as they can.
The Night may be Young,The mood maybe Mellow and
There maybe music in your ears!
But for fck sake! for the last time! NO VICS NOT HERE!!!!
D. Beckham.
Dear Bono,
Please walk to the end of the road, and look for a white plaque with black writing on it. That is the street name.
Cheers
The Street Naming Dept.
Ringleader of the Cambridge cartel, pedal champ and king of the dirt boxes (down to 21)