Bad Gags.

richardhomer

Bridgehouse said:

What did the slug say to the snail?


"Big Issue?"

I used to race a snail - but over time it became slower and slower.

In an effort to enhance its aerodynamics and reduce its weight, I removed its shell.

Unfortunately it just made it more sluggish.... 

HAL9000

Tortoise goes into a police station and claims he's just been mugged by a couple of snails.

The desk sergeant asks the tortoise if he can describe his attackers.

'No', replies the tortoise, 'it all happened so fast'.

Hootsmon

Fretwired

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home?

Bison

thermionic

I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

I lie awake in bed at night, wondering if there's a dog.

HAL9000

Q. What do you get if you put root beer into a square glass?
A. Beer.

stratman3142

Patient: Doctor I think I'm a dog.
Doctor: OK get up on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the furniture.


Doctor I think I'm a moth.

I'm not a doctor.

Sorry I had to come in when I saw your light was on.

Guitar_Slinger

I took my lad to the park and when we got to the playground, there were two policeman sat on the floor, by the see-saw.

I asked them "What are you doing down there?"

"We've been tipped off."

thecolourbox

How do you find a velociraptor?

You divide the distanceiraptor by the timeiraptor

richardhomer

Chatted to a predatory older woman at the pub the other night and ended up back at her place.

She said, "Could I interest you in a mother and daughter threesome?" 

I said,"Yes!"

She shouted, "Mother!"

rawk100

Doctor doctor I've got a car's steering wheel stuck down the front of my underpants!

Does it hurt?

No,  but it's driving me nuts!......

CabbageCat

thecolourbox said:

How do you find a velociraptor?

You divide the distanceiraptor by the timeiraptor

If you divided distanceiraptor by timeiraptor you would get a speediraptor unless the distanceiraptor were represented as a vector and even then it would be a velocityiraptor not a velociraptor.

I fucking hate your joke.

Dopesick

A man walks into a pub wearing a t-shirt saying 'I Hate James Brown'.
Bartender: 'Sorry sir you'll have to leave'
Man: 'What? Why?'
Bartender: 'We don't cater for funk-shuns'

*runs away*

dindude

Dopesick said:

A man walks into a pub wearing a t-shirt saying 'I Hate James Brown'.
Bartender: 'Sorry sir you'll have to leave'
Man: 'What? Why?'
Bartender: 'We don't cater for funk-shuns'

*runs away*

I think that may be the worst joke I've ever heard. Well done!

Dopesick

...and with that, my work here is done.

GSPBASSES

 

   

An 80-year-old man goes to church regularly, then one Sunday as he is leaving the church he stops to talk to the vicar. The vicar says how can I help you, the old man replies do you  do exorcisms, the vicar replies I don’t but we do have people in the church who can do this for you. And not called exorcists any more, they deliverance consultants Why do you need this asked the vicar. I have a ghost or an evil spirit in my house replies the old man, how do you know you’ve got ghosts replies the vicar. If I have to get up in the night the old man replies, to go to the loo as I get there the light comes on all by itself then a cold rush of air comes over me. Then when I finished peeing the light goes out on its own then the cold air seems to disappear. It does sound like you need the help of a deliverance consultant, vicar says I see what I can do.

 The following Sunday vicar talks the old man and tells him the deliverance consultant is in the church, after service we will go round to your house. After service they go round to the old man’s house, the vicar and the deliverance minister get out all the paraphernalia ready to do an exorcism. Just before they start the old man’s daughter walked into the house and asked what the hell is going on, the vicar explains what’s been happening and what are about to do. The daughter then explains to the vicar and the deliverance consultant that her dad has been peeing in the refrigerator.

ThePrettyDamned

What do you call a magic dog? 

A labrakadabrador

stratman3142

Colonel Smythe: "Wibble prepare lunch"
(Faithfull servant) Wibble: "Certainly sir"

Later...
"Wibble, clear the table and get me a cigar"

"Certainly sir, and is there anything else?"

"Yes Wibble, run me a bath"

...Colonel Smythe climbs into the bath water, relaxes and lets out an enormous fart.

Wibble rushes in with a water bottle.

"What are you doing with that water bottle Wibble".

"Sorry sir, I thought you shouted: 'what-about-a-water-bottle-wibble'".

thecolourbox

CabbageCat said:

thecolourbox said:

How do you find a velociraptor?

You divide the distanceiraptor by the timeiraptor

If you divided distanceiraptor by timeiraptor you would get a speediraptor unless the distanceiraptor were represented as a vector and even then it would be a velocityiraptor not a velociraptor.

I fucking hate your joke.

Oh yeah, sorry. I thought I'd try a physics joke but clearly that's not where my strength lies. I would have gone for my usual chemistry puns, but I thought that'd be too elementary

Ravenous

What's brown and sticky?

Shit!