Bipolar Disorder

danlpt

A few years back, after years of episodes of depression and anxiety I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

With meds it's been under control. But in the last week I've had to have my dog and best friend put down suddenly and lost my long term girlfriend who I was about to propose to on our upcoming trip. 

I've slipped into a massive depressive/ suicidal episode, the lowest I've been for a long time.

Any of you guys suffer with anxiety/ depression and have any tips on managing episodes? 
Work seem sort of understanding of me taking some time off but reluctantly. It seems that mental health isn't a genuine reason to be off sick like someone with a physical ailment. There's still such a stigma when it comes to talking about our mental wellbeing.

Nunogilberto

My aunt has suffered with Bipolar disorder for years, I don’t know the ins and outs of Bipolar but I’ve seen her at her best and at her worst - it’s a horrible condition. 

I have a fair bit of experience with anxiety though, having suffered with it on and off since my teens. I’m a little better these days knowing what it is and how it works - I can manage it better as a result, but it’s still a fucker and until you’ve suffered with it, it’s difficult to appreciate just how debilitating it is.

My employer is currently paying a lot of lip service to mental health etc but as you say - it’s another thing altogether when you have to take time off and you’re wondering what they’re thinking/how they perceive you.

The recent events that you described with your dog and girlfriend would be hard enough for anyone to deal with, happening so close together, but I can only imagine how much harder it must be to have to deal with it through Bipolar.

I had a bit of a bad spell in November last year - a lot going on and not all of it was good. I contemplated suicide once or twice but what stopped me is what it would do to my mother. That’s just me though and I wouldn’t try to preach/judge anybody else’s case.

Have you considered talking to a professional? Not so much for meds if you’re already on them, but just to get things off your chest/as a talking therapy. 

How are are your friends as a support network?

jonnyburgo

CBT can be good for managing depression, it can help youto look at in in a different perspective and find strategies for managing it. Mrs jonnyburgo is a CBT therapist, she’s worked with depression quite often.

skunkwerx

Oh yess I do. 

Firstly sorry to hear about your dog, and your ex. Those are both epically shitty experiences man. I always rate the hurt that the opposite sex can have as among the worse to feel. And as a parent of a fur baby myself, I know the emotions. 

Secondly, what a dude for being brave enough to speak of this! 

Before I go any further, 116 123 is the number for some good old people better qualified than me  
 24/7 helpline, free as well! 

It also helps me out as my night shifts as a sex line operator.. but hey, thats not important right now. 

Seriously though, thats the Samaritans number and they’re there 24/7 for me and you to call free when we feel like we cant cope. So although I don’t know you personally, as a member of the forum and a fellow guitarhead and human being, I care about ya!

Thats my first tip. Maybe you already have crisis numbers, but know there is always help to hand mate.

My second tip is that having gone through things similar, please hear me out and believe me when I say this!
Time does heal  and gives you clarity. 
Right now you cant see how it can, and thats normal man. 
Obviously I’m not meaning it heals our mental health problems! But it damn well helps us deal with them. Just like how you have been managing up until this recent episode! 

You already know that though cos you’ve explained how you have been managing it well! 
Now you’ve had 2 big things happen which you’ve recognised as the trigger. 
Pretty obvious really, but its a start mate!

Have you had cbt before? Cognitive behavioural therapy. I have, several times. 

I lapse out of it and always need to go back. But when Im there working through the sheets and reading, understanding the mechanics of what my head is doing and why, it makes things so much simpler to defeat. Even just understanding whats going on helps take the edge off for me. 

I get on the rumination train a lot. 
I know that I shouldnt board it because it will carry me away and before I know it I’m on a runaway train (my thoughts), and its a hell of a lot harder to get off! 
I find distractions sometimes help. 

Simple things, a fag, a cuppa, having a wank. Just something to jar me out of the funk I was in to a level slightly less dark. Then I’ve got a foothold to work my way back up. 

What else helps for me is breathing exercises. Its useful for anxiety. It calms the system and controls the flight or fight mechanism, switching from adrenaline to relaxation. 

Sometimes I dont even realise I’m worked up in that way until I start doing them. 

Have a google for breathing exercises for anxiety, give em a go man. They might help, they might not. Why not try em. 

Theres another thing I was taught which is like a grounding technique. Similar to distraction, but really useful. 

I lay or sit there and see 5 things. I describe them 1 by 1.
Then I feel 4 things and describe them. 
Then I hear 3 things and describe them. 
Then I smell 2 things and describe them. 
Then I taste 1 thing, and describe it. 

Spend a little time on each, describing it, experiencing what it is you’re hearing or seeing or smelling. Really draws you back to right here, right now. 





So fuck it lets do it.

I can see my zebra print. Its a canvas with a black and white zebra on it, just a close up of his face and side.
looks modern, high detail and pretty snazzy. 

I can see my guitar! 
Its white, an explorer shape, with its strap hanging off it. It has a snow camo gruv gear fret wrap around its headstock. 

I can see a light switch. Its white, plastic, neither old nor new really. Looks standard. It has some paint on it from the walls.

I can see a speaker. Its gloss black with a black mesh grille. Has a wire hanging down from where its mounted on the wall. 

I can see the wall. 
Looks painted. White. I can see the fine grainyness of where it must have been applied using a roller. 

What 4 things can I feel?
My feet. Theyre cold lol. 

I can feel my duvet on me, which is soft, not cold but not warm either. 

I can feel my jaw. Its pretty tense. Actually just thinking about it relaxing is making it feel more relaxed. 

I can feel my t shirt. Only parts of it. Around the neck area and arms. 
 
What 3 things can I hear?
I hear the monitor in the corner. Making a whirring sound, a few odd and irregular clicking noises too. 

I hear my dads radio in the next room. 
Cant make out what the dudes are saying on it, but its a talk show I can tell. Male voices. 

I can hear the rustle of my duvet as I move and fidget a bit. Pretty decent sound actually. Not too high, not too low. 

What two things can I smell? 
The remnants of dinner. 
Beef, potatoes, gravy and yorkshires! 
Smells freakin ace. 

I can smell my cologne. Black xs. Gotta be one of my favourites. Not overbearing but strong enough that it sticks around. 

What 1 thing can I taste? 
Always the hard one eh. 
I can just about taste the tea I sipped a lil while ago. 

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/theinvisiblewarrior.com/2017/03/20/mindful-mondays-grounding-your-anxiety-the-5-4-3-2-1-technique/amp/

Theres a cool website explaining some stuff on that one! 

But let me know man, hope that wasnt just a huge random load of rambling at you! 

We always about to chat and shoot the shit!

Funkfingers

danlpt said:

rapid cycling bipolar disorder ... any tips on managing episodes? 

Channel yo' mania. Do something constructive with it. That could be playing guitar. It could be physical exertion. It could be the cognitive thing described above by skunkwerx.

Avoid acting on impulse - driving, gambling, overspending funds et cetera. 

danlpt

Thanks guys, and thankyou @skunkwerx for that helpful message. I will definitely try that technique.

I find the manic episodes easier to handle, like @Funkfingers said, play guitar or go for a run. Its the deep depressive episodes where i struggle, no motivation to get out of bed, to keep going.

Unfortunately not everyone is so understanding, i lost nearly all of my friends through this one way or another be it me being an arsehole, not making the effort to go out and do things or people simply not understanding so staying back. I needed to 'cheer up' 'calm down' 'i had nothing to feel depressed/anxious about'. Only one stuck by me and he lives in London.

I admit i relied on my ex for support a lot more than I should have, she was always there for me. My network of friends was just her friends. IEvery relationship i've had has ended due to my bipolar one way or another. I was open from the start, she at least had some idea what it was having a Masters in Clinical Psychology but I guess it took it's toll on her. It cant be easy being accused of all sorts when i'm insecure and having paranoid delusions. Or neglected and feeling unloved by someone swallowed up in their dark place. 

frank1985

Although I have depression and anxiety, I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what you're going through. All I'll say is don't ruminate too much and put your focus on things you enjoy. Even if you don't have the motivation, force yourself and the momentum will follow.

 I was actually reading this article today which you might find useful. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201606/4-reasons-you-might-want-love-your-anxiety

Chris777

So sorry to hear of your situation @danlpt.
I have suffered from depression for many years, mine was brought one by watching my mom slip away from cancer when I was 13, dad brought me a Gibson sg copy which helped a little at the time, it has kep me in a recluse state for years, luckily I have a very loving supportive family around me and I am so grateful for that beyond words, you are not alone.
What helped me was accepting that I had it and learned to live with it, believe me it will get better, to open our eyes every morning is a very special gift even if we don't think so at the time!!, and even if we have a shit day it is still a bonus, as we get to get up the next day and try again, I hope you draw some strength from the comments left here, always here if you need a moan etc, wishing you all the best, Chris.

Roland

danlpt said:

Work seem sort of understanding of me taking some time off but reluctantly. It seems that mental health isn't a genuine reason to be off sick like someone with a physical ailment. 

See your GP and get signed off work

Musicman20

Whilst I have not been down this exact road, I've had an awfully difficult period with anxiety due to huge pressure with work and moving cities twice (and houses three times) over a short period. I lost it, and gave up and held up my hands. It had made me ill. Physically ill.

I had CBT and medication, and as the GP predicted, I did have a tough time with very low moods for a few months once the anxiety cooled off.

This was about 2 years ago now....and I'm much better than I have been for a long time.

I don't think the human brain was ever meant to cope with so much pressure, stress, work, emotion and information all at once. If an animal has had enough, it will just stop doing something (unless it is related to eating sleeping etc), but we feel the need to PUSH people into pits of stress by tarnishing them with being lazy if they need a break for relentless work and life.

Best of luck - trust me, there IS an end to all this and it will work out.

danlpt

Roland said:

danlpt said:

Work seem sort of understanding of me taking some time off but reluctantly. It seems that mental health isn't a genuine reason to be off sick like someone with a physical ailment. 

See your GP and get signed off work

I've been signed off for 2 weeks by the GP and am seeing my Psychiatrist on Wednesday.
My family don't seem to understand that true depression is more than just a low mood. It's not only in the mind, it's a physical ache right down to your bones. 

Bygone_Tones

What you believe about yourself has a massive influence on your wellbeing. Personally, I think it's important not to label yourself as "having depression" or "having anxiety" - instead tell yourself you are a normal human being just like everyone else

Outdoor exercise, health eating, meditation.  Do them consistently every day and you will notice a big difference.

Also read as much as you can about psychology, learn how your conscious mind and subconscious mind work together.

Managing your thoughts takes practise (this is why meditation helps), but just remember you are in control of your mind, it does not control you. You can block out negative thoughts when they arise - and stop your emotions spiralling down further. You also have a choice what to think about life (and what to input into your subconsious) - you can dwell on all the horrible things, or you can focus on the awesome things instead.

Also change your perception of what anxiety is. Is it really something horrible that needs to be avoided at all costs? Or is it your body telling you that you are about to do something meaningful and important, and it's giving you the tools to cope with it? Basically embrace it, instead of running away from it.

Some good books I can recommend are 'the upside of stress' by kelly mcgonical - which will change the way you think about anxiety and stress (backed up by science - not self help nonsense), and 'awaken the giant within' by tony robbins - which is a bit dated and a monster of a book, but has a lot of good advice inside it - especially chapter 4 about belief systems. 

skunkwerx

Holy shit, i can’t believe I didnt mention this, but someone else’s comment made me remember. 

Physical exercise! Helps massively. 
The hardest part is the depression makes you not up to it though. 

Feel for ya dude!

digitalscream

I've got about 15 years' experience helping my wife deal with hers. We've been dealing with <someone I can't mention here> for about three years which has sent her into four spirals over that time. The first three were pretty bad, but she got through it with counselling and a lot of support.

The last one...I'm so proud of her, because she didn't hesitate when she felt herself slipping - her first instinct was to drive off a bridge on the way home - and she just pulled over, called her GP and said, "I'm coming in now. This can't wait.". Anyone who's experienced it, or tried to help someone through, will know exactly how much it took for her to make it back into town (another hour's drive).

Long story short...they made a significant change to her medication, and it's helped her enormously; she's much happier as a result.

Basically, a lot of folk who suffer from bipolar disorder try to avoid medication or changes to it, out of a fear that it'll dull them and make them unable to feel; that's not been our experience at all. None of the medication works exactly the same way forever (wifey's been on three different regimens over the last decade and a half), but every change she's made has been a positive one.

Don't write off the chance that it might help you

danlpt

An update for anyone interested.

I visited my Psychiatrist who has increased my Bipolar meds and also given me an anti-depressant to manage the low mood for now. Not much change in mood yet, only physical side effects from the change in meds.

I'm trying to give myself a reason to get out of bed and leave the house each day. Today is helping a friend work out some bodged wiring on his new house.

My ex went to stay with her Dad back home in California for a couple of weeks to unwind but the next struggle is going to be seeing her again for her to get her stuff from my house. It was so hard to pack it all up for her, it was a set back. It's now just sitting in the hall waiting to be collected.

My band is recording an EP next weekend, i'm both excited that we're finally getting somewhere as a band after a lot of hold ups, but also dreading it. I don't know where the energy is going to come from to do 2 long days in the studio, if i'll be able to keep my head in focus to play well.

I can't help but feel negative in that while I know i'll eventually come out of the other side of this episode, it certainly isn't going to be the last. 

In short, i'm getting by i suppose.

zepp76

The anti depressants will take a couple of weeks to start working properly in which time you may experience very low mood swings, get through this first couple of weeks and your mood should lift.
i suffer from extreme depression and anxiety as a side effect of my schizophrenia, it's a battle every day but having hobbies have really helped to focus my mind and have helped immensely. Keep your mind occupied and don't give up, there is some great help out there, you're not alone.

57Deluxe

Bipolar Disorder - when your dual expedition is thrown into jeopardy cos you pitch-up in the Arctic but all your gear been sent to the Antarctic... enough to do anyone's head in.

skunkwerx

Nice one man. 

Thing I’ve noticed is, you’ve been hella pro-active about it, which aint easy, which is something that hopefully you can recognise too and feel good about man. 

The band thing sounds wicked dude. Its a whole week away for the recording though so relax, when you’re there you’ll have some energies mate I reckon! 
I’ve never done anything like that before so I wouldnt know what its like, but maybe do a little prep each day so you go in feeling comfortable and ready. 

Glad you updated the thread though mate  

Cyberjunkie

I'm a bit late to the party, but sounds like you have some good solid ideas from some rreally helpful people here, and I@m really sorry to hear about your dog my friend. That's family to me.

I work on the other side of the fence in mental health at a CMHT and also as a psychotherapist, working across the spectrum from anxiety, BPD through to paranpid schizophrenia.
Whenever I hear 'suicidal' (I hate the thought of people dealing with that alone), I will always encourage reaching out.
Isolation and wearing a mask to pretend everything is okay can sometimes be the biggest struggle, but you've done good by reaching out.

Meds can make a difference, and it may take a while to find something that stabilises your mood. If you don't feel good about the change, or need some reassurance, get in touch with your GP or psychiatrist if you're under a CMHT. Don't lose hope.

For suicidal or thoughts of self-harm, might I recommend an App called 'Calm Harm' - it's available for iOS and Android, and is free. IF the urge is strong, please just contact the emergency services, or drag yourself down to A&E. BY the time you make it there, you might have changed your mind and if you haven't, at least you're in the right place.

I would also recommend therapy if at all possible. Sadly CMHT's have a long waiting list; especially in London, but there are alternatives that do low cost, and in some places, free therapy, although again there is a waiting list, but not as long. Whilst CBT is popular, don't feel that you have to limit yourself. You might want to considrer an integrative therapist.

Sometimes, having structure to your day can also help; less time to ruminate or be enclosed in those ever so familiar four walls. Perhaps looking at a Meet-Up group that doesn't avoid the issue, but actively supports people going through it?

Maybe a little time devoted to a hobby or two, or perhaps even some gym time, even if it's just a bike or treadmill.

And journalling. I've had quite a few clients that get something out of putting those thoughts down onto paper. Perhaps even sharing them with a therapist to see if there are areas that can be worked on.

Whatever you choose to do, keep talking.
Keep the faith brother!

Ben8010

It's already been said but you're not alone.

I've also recently split up with my long term other half and it's really starting to sink in now. The bit that's really haunting me is the fact that I was actually really looking forward to seeing her (I hadn't seen her for a while) and when I did she her she dropped that bombshell which was a real kick in the teeth. I keep thinking back to that almost feeling sorry for myself which isn't good. But I think that in particular is really gonna haunt me for a while.

Also got problems with my dad seemingly loosing his marbles a bit and a lot of people leaving work which is making me really fed up of it as, while I haven't particularly enjoyed doing the work itself, I've always liked coming to see the people here, and without them it's gonna be shit.

All this is making me feel really down at times, making me think pessimistically about my future and making me think of my life choices up to now. I'm still relatively young (but also at a stage where I want to start to get things in order) and this is something I've never really felt before, so I'm not sure if any of this will even have any weight and help.

Anyway to answer your question: what I've been doing is just trying to get my mind off it and occupied on other things. Mainly by doing what I can to go out there and see friends or by playing GTA online with friends. I also just do something as simple as watching TV programs I love. Anything to immerse myself in other things. I've got to be honest, they're only temporary fixes and the thoughts always come back but it does help to get my mind off it

hywelg

danlpt said:

But in the last week I've had to have my dog and best friend put down 

Sorry to appear flippant in a situation like this but i couldnt help wondering if the above made anyone else chuckle. It's one thing to have a dog put down but a mate?