I have a very sick relative in hospital.

adamm82

they don't have long left.

However I can't stand going to the hospital. I have been to visit a few times.

is this normal? 

joneve

I would say so. I found it really hard going to visit my uncle in his Hospice last year before he passed away. He was a shell of his former self. I don't deal with death well. 

Phil_aka_Pip

could be. I think that if you can avoid the "I can't stand this" train of thought and concentrate on the notion that the person you're going to see would be glad to know that you care, then going there will be a bit easier. I know, it's hard.

ESBlonde

If you think you can brighten the relatives/friends final days with a visit, then suck it up and do the decent thing. If your relative would think of nothing worse than being on parade to all and sundry, leave them alone. Note very few people really fit into the second catagory so avoid making that an excuse.
None of us enjoy going to hospital, (including some of the staff that work there). It's just the nature of the beast, but they do fantastic work and deserve our support.

joeyowen

Normal enough, try not to feel guilty about it, but at the same time don't leave yourself open to regret.

guitarfishbay

Do what you can do.

I went to the hospital every day for 2 weeks straight with my g/f when her mum was dying, but on the very last day I couldn't cope with being in the room so I ended up sat outside on a chair on my own right at the very end.

Snags

Hospitals generally aren't great places to go to, and when you're visiting someone who's unlikely/definitely not likely to be coming out again, it's tough.

That said, you're doing exactly the right thing by sucking it up and going anyway. At this point the only thing you can do for your relative and wider family is show them that you care by being there, and it's worth way more than you might think. It also beats the hell out of years of guilt down the line, which is often the pay-off for ducking visits now for an easier life.

All of the above assumes you're within the normal standard deviation of human/hospital antipathy. If you actually have a much deeper psychological aversion to hospitals, that might change the game, and I'm sure family would understand.

Guitar_Slinger

Tough call @adamm82. I have no experience of visiting a relative in hospital, or people on their last legs. I do sometimes spend time visiting hospital wards for an hour or two, to advertise a radio station. Turns out we always end up talking to somebody who hasn't had any visitors and looks like shit. After 10 minutes of chatter they seem to get a bit of spark back in their eyes. Although TBH these people are usually back at home the week after.

revsorg

I've always found props helpful.  Something you can take along with you to talk about.  Some photos maybe.  If you can't put much time in, go and leave fairly quickly.  If you can find the right thing to say to them to make them feel better this is one of the kindest things you can do at this stage of their life.

Fretwired

adamm82 said:

they don't have long left.

However I can't stand going to the hospital. I have been to visit a few times.

is this normal? 

Hope your sick relative recovers.

I hate hospitals so what your feeling resonates with me.

boogieman

revsorg said:

I've always found props helpful.  Something you can take along with you to talk about.  Some photos maybe.  If you can't put much time in, go and leave fairly quickly.  If you can find the right thing to say to them to make them feel better this is one of the kindest things you can do at this stage of their life.

Wis’d. Photos are a great idea, gives you something to talk about and might prompt some happier memories. 

Sporky

Hospitals aren't nice places. I don't think it's at all unusual not to like them, and it's worse when you know the person you're visiting isn't going to get better.

Perhaps think of it as repaying kindness, and also easing yourself into dealing with the loss to come. 

richardhomer

Yes - my dad was dying when I was 19 and I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t cope with seeing him in that state - so I didn’t go.

Not a great decision, if I’m honest. The stress responses to these things are very powerful - I think self-preservation kicks in - therefore avoiding it seems logical.

I haven’t done it since - my rationale is what would I want if I were lying there?

rocktron

Would it be easier on you to phone relatives to check who would be visiting and go along with them. 

If you are a caring type of person (which I think you are to post on this Forum about how you feel), the thing to avoid is the guilt complex. 

In your heart of hearts, you would be happier, in the months and years to follow, to know that you have been there for your relative during their last days.

Clashman

It's probably because it's a reminder of our own mortality that we try avoid situations like this,
but if the shoe was on the other foot ?.

munckee

revsorg said:

I've always found props helpful.  Something you can take along with you to talk about.  Some photos maybe.  If you can't put much time in, go and leave fairly quickly.  If you can find the right thing to say to them to make them feel better this is one of the kindest things you can do at this stage of their life.

When my boss was recovering from a cancer op I took private eye in and read the columns and letters to him as we have a similar sense of humour.  Didn't do his stitches much good but cheered him up.   He knew he was going home though.