Nightmare best mate situation occuring ...

Bridgehouse

ToneControl said:

it's rarely possible to be certain why someone else's marriage ends, so best not to demonise anyone. 
Don't be lying to cover it up though, that will poison things for you.

We knew a woman who went out on the mummy's night out at primary school in the village, got hammered and went back with some fella she met and did the deed, and made sure her husband found out - that's some people's tactic for burning their bridges, but I don't know what prompted that.

I know someone else who started cheating, turned out they had not had sex for years. I have heard lots of variations on these stories. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?

Tell your wife now btw, bit of a time bomb there otherwise

I don't think the "why" bit is the issue - the issue is a mate expecting another mate to cover for his actions. 

Zoolooter

"walked out on his beautiful funny, Intellectual, sweet wife" 

Very descriptive...

notanon

BloodEagle said:

Dont lie to your wife for your mate - could make things very sticky further down the line, and you dont have to live with your mate

You have been warned ^^^^

You don't have to live with your mate but you may end up doing if not careful. Husband + Wife = Wife + Husband even original family comes second. Tell her you messed up about letting her know of the situation and discuss but warn of knee jerk reactions - he should be the one to make a decision of what to do. If there is family then warn that sometimes (I hate it but . . .) better to fix the issue and keep family together so stay silent? Doesn't always work, I've seen some marriages repaired or the infidelity just re-occurs until they split eventually.

Good luck on that one, not the first and it ain't gonna be the last!

vale

Bridgehouse said:

Do you still value his friendship after his actions? If so, tell him you won’t lie for him and they are the terms of your friendship moving forward.

this.

underdog said:

Don't lie for him, but at the same time maybe he just wasn't happy where he was, so don't judge him for leaving either 

We only get one life maybe he felt his was happier with the other woman, you can't make yourself love someone that you don't, no matter how much you wish you could 

I think as a friend encourage him to come clean with his wife, and try and coach him through whenever he needs it.

and this.

be clear with him that you have loyalties to both parties in this, and while he has made a decision for himself to rearrange his loyalties differently between his wife and new partner, he doesn't get to dictate/oblige that others divide their loyalites to align with his choices.

so say you won't lie to his wife for him, and that if there is anything he doesn't want her to know about his new life that she may ask you about, he should keep it to himself. kind of a disclosure statement.

you can still be there for him. you obviously don't think much of his decision (none of us know him so can't judge) but if he's your best friend of long standing that means something re trying to help him through this.

you trivialise his decision as 'doing another bird a few counties away' which is probably your immediate anger and frustration colouring your thinking and phrasing. as underdog says (quote above) this could have been years in the making and is hurting him as much as her.

like a storm, what has happened has happened, so now it's about picking up the pieces and securing what remains to minimise ongoing harm.

the children will need a lot of support and close supervision. they may not have the maturity and self-awareness to be able to express their feelings about what is going on, but they will obviously be deeply affected. so watch their behaviour for significant changes. becoming withdrawn, aggressive, etc.

adults get to choose what they do and where they go, children are always hostage to a situation created by those adults. it can make them feel helpless, very angry and very sad. so watch and love.

Travisthedog

@vale great post and your right I have trivailsed it all somewhat.

The other woman is his first love of some 25 years ago who broke his heart (apparently) just with he'd been honest with his wife from the start about and not hidden it claiming he just "didn't love her her anymore" I guess because he's scared of the consequences of using adultery as a reason for divorce on how that affects his access to his kids

usedtobe

Yup, what vale said!

octatonic

My Dad did something similar to my Mum- I was 16 at the time.
It took me a long time to forgive my Dad, although I suddenly had a lot of freedom once my folks were engaged in their relationship dramas, but he did a lot of damage to the family, more my brother and my mum than myself.

In hindsight it was the right thing to do- Mum and Dad were terrible for one another and Dad just celebrated his 28th wedding anniversary with his current wife, who is really lovely and good for my Dad. 

My Mum has never really recovered though.
Dad did the right thing in terms of finances- I think it took him a long time to financially recover from the divorce.

Personally I would not be lying for him but I also wouldn't be trying to judge the guy either.
He is unlikely to have done this on a whim.

randerson

A friend of mine  felt out with his best mate of some 15years over a similar scenario. Fast forward three years and they still no longer speak but his ex buddy is back with his wife and they are happy again. There can be casualties here.

My advice would be to tell your friend that 'if you can lie for him, you can lie to him', and you value your friendship with him too much to ever do that. Ask him to tell his wife the truth. If she is as you describe she won't use the kids as pawns as that would be damaging to them.

After your conversation with him, tell your wife the truth and ask her to keep it to herself until he tells his wife.

Then buy a new guitar to cheer yourself up..

octatonic

randerson said:

A friend of mine  felt out with his best mate 

Maybe he didn't want to be felt?

munckee

The order of priorities here as I see it is 1) don't lie to your wife 2) don't aid and abet him lying to his wife and making her feel a fool and will never forgive you and 3) be there for him as a real friend rather than an alibi/accomplice friend.

Mates are great but in a tough situation I would much rather have my wife with me than my mates (unless it was a fight, big Jon is proper handy in a scrap!)

vale

@Travisthedog

in an ideal world, his making a commitment of love to his wife to stay with her to raise their children together, would come with a burning of bridges to past relationships and a locking away somewhere safe of feelings for others, to be able to fully commit the best of his emotions and energies on that most important relationship.
but life is stone bridges and drawers without locks, and temptation is the devil constantly whispering in our ear.

family law is a nightmare (that famous quote "the law is a bottomless pit"!) but the fundamental principle is that his commitment to his children never changes, even if his commitment to his wife does. having brought those children into the world, he is as responsible as she is (combined they are absolutely responsible) for their welfare for life.

if he is any sort of decent person at all, he will understand that commitment, and while things will be tough between him and his partner from now on, he should keep the childrens' wellbeing front and centre as he moves on. they are dependent on him in a way he is not dependent on them.

one more thing i would say is i mentioned watch the children carefully for behaviour changes, that also applies to their mother. behaviour in herself and how she is coping with the day to day.

i'm the eldest of six children and when my mum and dad split when i was 12ish my mum got hugely depressed. we were in emergency accomodation living out of carrier bags forever, washing up piled up, laundry forgotten about.
as the eldest i had to take on a lot but luckily she had friends who let us go to stay with them for long weekends to give her a break, letting her use their machine (laundrette with six kids to launder meant a whole afternoon in the laundrette otherwise), giving her lifts shopping. little things count big at these times.

so beyond making sure she's ok in herself, practical help can mean a lot. she shouldn't struggle.

Modulus_Amps

Your best mate lying to people around him and probably you.... and then you are lying to your wife. It does not reflect well on you and you are both in the wrong... accomplice and all that. you are going to need a big bog roll and toilet brush to get rid of this turd.

Honestly if you knew he was having an affair before this and you were his best mate you should have told him then that he needed to stop and that you would not keep his dirty secrets.

ourmaninthenorth

My own mode of transport in these situations is to protect myself at all times...

People can do as they wish, but they can't impel me to do likewise. 

Lone wolfing has it's upsides. 

digitalscream

Forget the loyalty bit - I'm not sure I'd really count someone as a friend if they expected me to lie to everyone I know for his sake.

Yes, loyalty to friends is important, but the truth is more so. That doesn't mean you have to go blabbing it around to everyone you meet, but if asked...

Have you explained the crappy situation he's put you in for the sake of his happiness? And perhaps the fact that if there's a divorce in the offing then everything will come out anyway, so there's no point being shady about it now?

With the caveat that I obviously don't know the guy, it's fairly likely a fact that the only reason he's trying to keep it on the down-low is that he feels guilty. He's already skipped out on his wife for the sake of his feelings, so IMO putting yourself in a hole by pandering to his feelings even more is a fool's errand.

Teetonetal

To be honest, the only bit that I think of importance is that as you are friends with him and your wife is friends with her, is that between the two of you you try to push both of them towards dealing with the situation in such away that kids needs are thought of first and foremost and the pockets of lawyers are not lined.

Everything else is actually immaterial to a point. Neither you or your wife need to "get in the gossip" and share all. I doubt either of you actually know 100% what is going on and when it comes to break up and divorce, speculation, gossip and half facts are just not needed by anyone - except the lawyers who love that shit.

I hate discussing other people's relationships with my wife and point blank refuse. If I'm told something in confidence then in most cases she doesn't need to know. In a case like this, I'd be telling my wife, this is tough, he's bound to tell me some details, I'm just not going to share them, please don't ask me. Lets both push them towards a split that works best for the kids.

octatonic

If I was in your situation I'd be saying to my wife 'I know what is going on but I can't betray a confidence'.

I know my wife would respect my position though (and in fact I know she keeps the confidence of several of her friends in this way) and wouldn't try to push for more information.
In other relationships that would be a disaster so probably best for you to decide.

Veganic

Far be it from me to...but since you ask.

How good a mate is he as you don't seem to know what he is up to or why, the state of his marriage, or even if he has moved in with someone else? (Unless you are not telling us everything, in which case I feel betrayed.  No, must not get drawn into this or take it personally...)

I don't see the problem really.  You need your wife and you also need your mates.  If you want to keep your mate don't drop him in the shit without warning him. He should be big enough to take the consequences of his actions. You can let him know this when you have the "what the fuck are you doing and the smaller issue of do you know this has consequences for me?" Coversation.  This also gives you the opener with your wife, "I don't know what is happening but I will ask him and then let you know first."

My point is, look at it from your point of view, not your wife's, not his wife's, not his.

gubble

I wish that my mates had told me the truth when my first wife was having an affair. Some mutual friends knew and didn't tell me because they didn't want to get involved.

Any trust i had with them went and they are no longer friends. 

As already stated your first priority is your wife and you really do not want to be caught not being 100% truthful with her as it will come back to bite you on the ass.

Blueingreen

A scenario I've seem in real life more than once.

Guy cheats on his wife.  A friend of the couple "does the right thing" and tells the wife.  There's a rupture in the marriage, but they get past of it and there's a reconciliation.  The friend is unceremoniously dumped, with the wife every bit as hostile to him as the husband.

I'd be guessing at the psychology here.  The husband thinks his pal has let him down.  The couple think he was stirring trouble and his motives were malicious.  He's a reminder of bad things and a barrier to getting past them. The wife feels guilty because the friend put her in a position to "do the right thing" by dumping the cheating rat and she hasn't had the strength to do it.  The wife wants to pretend the infidelity never happened and you're a constant reminder that it did (if she want to believe it enough, she may even persuade herself you're a liar ). If the wife wants the marriage to work she won't want to be seen to be being friendly with a guy the husband now regards as an enemy. Etc, etc.

The saying is don't shoot the messenger, and the reason there's a saying is because the instinct to shoot the messenger is strong and lots of people don't resist it.

I might hope the wife found out, but I'd probably avoid being the one to tell her.  If she finds out you knew and didn't tell her she'll likely be angry, but she'll also appreciate you were in a difficult situation and will almost certainly end up forgiving you.  If you tell her and they reconcile she possibly never will.  It's unfair and it's bizarre but it's not untypical.

I'd tell your wife though.  Secrets are not good in a marriage. If she chooses to pass it on that's her choice.  As a female friend she's much less likely to be blamed, although she still could be.

Paul_C

Travisthedog said:

 his beautiful funny, Intellectual, sweet wife

 

. . . so she's single ?