FIRST XMAS JOKE…

GSPBASSES

 3 men die on Xmas eve. To get into Heaven,

 St Peter says “you must have something on you that represents Xmas”.

 The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says “It’s a candle”. St Peter lets him in.

 Taffy takes his keys and shakes them and says “they’re Sleigh Bells”. St Peter lets him in.

 Paddy pulls out a G string and a Bra. St Peter says “How do those represent Xmas”! Paddy says………... They’re Carols”.

proggy

Satan was in Hell opening his mail when he suddenly shouted "Not another bloody stupid list from that dyslexic kid"

mbe

GSPBASSES said:

 3 men die on Xmas eve. To get into Heaven,

 St Peter says “you must have something on you that represents Xmas”.

 The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says “It’s a candle”. St Peter lets him in.

 Taffy takes his keys and shakes them and says “they’re Sleigh Bells”. St Peter lets him in.

 Paddy pulls out a G string and a Bra. St Peter says “How do those represent Xmas”! Paddy says………... They’re Carols”.

That's terrible. Either you can sing lingerie or there's an apostrophe missing.

proggy said:

Satan was in Hell opening his mail when he suddenly shouted "Not another bloody stupid list from that dyslexic kid"

That's also terrible. Satan getting mail redirected from Lapland? I don't think so,

Can't we have nice jokes about poor men gathering winter fuel and suchlike?

Humbug! 

thermionic

Why do the English have derogatory names for the Irish, Welsh, and also Scots?

mbe

thermionic said:

Why do the English have derogatory names for the Irish, Welsh, and also Scots?

That's more like it, I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my Werthers Original.

Here's a good one.

"Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Tommy said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." 
       
      "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" 
       
      "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "Me ma gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me a fiver a week not to play it at night."

Phil_aka_Pip

Peasant: Thanks a bunch Wenceslas! For a whole year I raise a pig, and eat vegetables so that I can wait till christmas to kill it, and just now I've killed it you bring me yet more meat and nobody has invented the freezer yet!

HAL9000

Santa's present-wrapping elves have been complaining about their workload. Apparently there's too much red tape.

merlin

Dominic

On an Irish theme.........
An old Donegal gentleman is staggering along the pavement at 1a.m. on Christmas Eve when he's spotted by the Gardai
Police Offer " So where would you be going at this time of the evening Sir ?"
Old Man " Well , ...I'm on my way to a Lecture, Officer "
Police Officer " Are you now......and what's it about ?"
 Old man " The evils of drinking, smoking and staying out  "
 Police Officer " I see , and who's giving this lecture then ?"
 old man " That'll be the wife ! "

Octafish

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he only comes once a year....

west

Two snowmen talking , one says to the other , " ere , can you smell carrots ?"

viz

west said:

Two snowmen talking , one says to the other , " ere , can you smell carrots ?"

Yes, and my hands are sticky and don’t mention my black eyes