Phrases you think are common but nobody else has heard before

77ric

Like throwing a chipolata up a close. Used to call some one out for having a small cock. 

The reply to which can often be

even a jumbo jet looks small in the Grand Canyon. 

ourmaninthenorth

"couldn't find his arse with both hands"

To describe someone particularly gormless.

boogieman

thecolourbox said:

boogieman said:

As black as Newgate’s knocker. 

It’s dark over Wilf’s mother’s. (Which apparently should be “Will’s mother’s”). 

Ooh yer cowson. 

Ah yes that's used over this way too. Some theorise that it's popular in Birmingham and the Black Country because Will Shakespeare's parents lived South West from here and that's where the prevailing winds and weather usually come from.

That’s what I heard too, via @EricTheWeary I believe. My wife’s dad was from the Black Country and that’s where she’d heard it from, but she had no idea what the origin was. 

munckee

cj73 said:

A face like a dog chewing a thistle

Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, like a welders bench, like a bag of spanners...

munckee

Some of my dad's stock yorkshire phrases

"so tight he can peel an orange in his pocket"
"I'll go to the foot of our stairs"
"Eeh, ecky thump."

Foster

77ric said:

Like throwing a chipolata up a close. Used to call some one out for having a small cock. 

The reply to which can often be

even a jumbo jet looks small in the Grand Canyon. 

Reminds me of the joke Mike Reid used in his stand up (during a routine about having it off with some trollop)

"You've got a small organ"
"Well it's never played in a cathedral before"

deano

We have a variant on the thick as two short planks...

"He's as thick as two short planks with a telly in between."

It paints a picture quite nicely.

545454

"As dry as a dead dingo's donger" - bit thirsty

"Looks like their arse is chewing a caramel" - describes a sort of walk that you'll know when you see it. 

tone1

Rare as  Rocking horse poo
as much use as a chocolate fire guard 
as much use as a handbrake on a canoe 

Cirrus

Soapy Magnet = Diary.
Punch Goose = Toaster.
I'd rather bang a kipper in the snatch than shove rusty spoons down the back of a radiator in a house owned by a man from Durham who's halfway through the year's best selling autobiography but can't for the life of him remember why he bought it because he's not even a fan of the books subject, which is ironic because the subject is known for his thrilling treatises on why people can act against their better interests and willingly subject themselves to things they wouldn't enjoy, another example of which would be reading a load of fucking tosh on an internet forum = this is a waste of time.

fretmeister

Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole.

fretmeister

Dominic said:

describing somebody of low intelligence..........
"as thick as a whale omelet"

That's Douglas Adams iirc.

steveledzep

Neither use nor ornament.

deano

One from my childhood... "Stop fidgeting lad. It looks like tha's got St. Vitus dance!"

Kilgore

He couldn't cobble a shoe with a farthing.

PhilW1

Face like a smacked arse. 

Face like a bulldog licking piss off a stinger.

deano

Another one from my youth... "You'll be laughing on the other side of your face in a minute you little swine".

She had a temper did mum 

FX_Munkee

"She had lips that could suck start a Ferrari"

p90fool

My missus often reckons I'm as much use as tits on a goose. 

My old boss was an Aussie, and she'd often arrive in the morning saying she'd only had time for a Dingo's Breakfast, meaning just a piss and a bit of a look around. 

Not like a Full Scottish, which is obviously two aspirins and a glass of water. 

west

He'd skin a fart for ha'penny ....