Children terrify me

thomasross20

richardhomer said:

Wolfetone;427635" said:

You just don't know what's inside you until you're presented with the situation. I don't think you have experienced 'life' until you've become a dad.

I think you can experience life without being a dad - but I think the part of life where you become one fundamentally changes you.

Every decision I make is against the back-drop of what impact it may have on my son. I invariably put his needs before mine - but taking that responsibility feels like being an adult.

I loved my blokey entended childhood but wouldn't swap back to it now.

Honestly, I don't get this. Does it depend on the type of person you are? I'm always putting other people first. I never drank, did drugs etc - I've always been a 50 year-old, mentally (believe it or not!) - maybe why I've always attracted older women! There has never been a point where I've gone from selfish youth to responsible adult. I've ALWAYS been that responsible adult and never the goofy younger guy. I honestly don't think I would witness any transformation at all - I would look at it and say "that just happened" and get on with it. Maybe I'm a cold person...

thomasross20

Drew:

"I'd rather have a spite-vasectomy."

Lol!!

"What bothers me about this is the standard fucking idiotic aphorisms that people churn out - ahhh best thing I've ever done, less grief in the long run, you don't know what you're missing, it's her body her choice, you're never ready but just do it, it's worth losing all of that free-time and independence COZ FEELINGS... blah blah blah blah... there is so much pressure put on people and it's really fucking unfair."

What I get is that I don't know that I'm missing the best feeling ever!! I also get called moneybags and sometimes dirty looks that I'm going on big holidays!  

"I love my wife. I don't necessarily need a fuck trophy to prove it."

Agreed - I wouldn't want to spoil that love. Not that kids would. All I'm saying is that couples' love should endure and not because of having kids.

thomasross20

Philly_Q said:

I'd like to have had kids, it's a great regret of my life that it's never going to happen now.

That said, the older I get the more terrifying the thought of parenting seems.  But if it had happened, I'd like to think I would've coped.

Did you just never have them?? Or never meet the right woman?

thomasross20

You know the main "worry" is that when I get older, I wont be able to look around my death bed and see my own family around me. Is that enough of a reason? Instead I'll move to Thailand and live a life of sin I think lol...

I only know a couple people who never had any. One retired young and the other just bought a mansion with a couple acres of land! It's hard to ask why they never had any though, in case it was medical and it's a touchy subject..

OP, I just hope you don't turn round after having them and say "it was the best thing ever, I always knew it" after having said you're not sure about it - that's one thing that grinds my gears lol... "oh I wasn't sure about it but now it's the BEST thing ever and if you don't have any you're life wont be complete".

I'll end for now by saying... I'm not 100% sure I don't want any so I hope for my partner's sake that I don't do a turn-around. I'm knackered as-is mind... I don't think I could cope!

Philly_Q

thomasross20 said:

Philly_Q said:

I'd like to have had kids, it's a great regret of my life that it's never going to happen now.

That said, the older I get the more terrifying the thought of parenting seems.  But if it had happened, I'd like to think I would've coped.

Did you just never have them?? Or never meet the right woman?

In simple terms, never met the right woman.  I never tried particularly hard - or felt confident enough - to do that either.  And funnily enough, now I find the thought of being in a relationship just as scary as the thought of having kids.  

Well and truly "set in my ways", I guess.

crunchman

holnrew said:

When you do fostering, you have to deal with the parenting mistakes of others.

This is true.  My mother-in-law fosters a little girl.  She is seriously hard work.

On a more positive note, there is nothing quite like your toddler coming and putting their arms around your neck.  You also get something of the wonder of life back.  As adults we can get quite cynical about things, but being around young kids and seeing their sense of wonder and excitement about things is really good.

randomhandclaps

VimFuego said:

no kids here, neither of us wanted them. Had a brief pang of regret when the cancer took mrs f's lady parts (and had several sleepless nights when the fuckwit GP said the tumour was a baby) but she never did, and mine didn't last long. I have no problem with kids, and love my nieces and nephews to bits, but I've never liked the idea of being responsible for something else, dunno if some will call that childish or not, don't really care either.

Vim, in you guys situation, do the people around you know that you didn't want kids or do they assume that you don't have them because you can't?  

I know a few couple who never wanted kids, then something happened which meant it would be difficult, unlikely or impossible and some of the other folks we  know with kids are as patronising as hell and can't seem to swallow the fact that they didn't want kids and there must be a greater reason or sense of denial.  It annoys me for them.

Emp_Fab

TIGGER! - PUT DOWN THE RED BULL !  8 consecutive posts all from the same poster - you're trying to beat @sambostar for the record aren't you ?

As for the OP; for all the talk, it boils down to only one decision; have kids, don't have kids or divorce.   Remember - you can have kids up until you're too old and frail to shag - your wife however has a fixed number of eggs and once they're gone, they're gone forever - no matter whether she's on her own, with you or with another guy.  From her side, only she can make the call whether she's willing to sacrifice her chance of motherhood in order to stay with you.  That's a huge decision - and one you really don't want any regrets over when it's too late - that kind of shit will come back to bite you on the ass.  You say "we will not be splitting up - period" - well, if that's how you feel, you obviously want her far more than you don't want kids, and the only other option - staying together and denying her kids, is basically forcing her to decide to leave you or not.  Whatever you do, remember your options are open forever - hers aren't.

VimFuego

randomhandclaps said:

VimFuego said:

no kids here, neither of us wanted them. Had a brief pang of regret when the cancer took mrs f's lady parts (and had several sleepless nights when the fuckwit GP said the tumour was a baby) but she never did, and mine didn't last long. I have no problem with kids, and love my nieces and nephews to bits, but I've never liked the idea of being responsible for something else, dunno if some will call that childish or not, don't really care either.

Vim, in you guys situation, do the people around you know that you didn't want kids or do they assume that you don't have them because you can't?  

I know a few couple who never wanted kids, then something happened which meant it would be difficult, unlikely or impossible and some of the other folks we  know with kids are as patronising as hell and can't seem to swallow the fact that they didn't want kids and there must be a greater reason or sense of denial.  It annoys me for them.

One of the few advantages of getting older is we're now at an age where I guess people just assume our kids have grown up and left home, no one really asks if we have kids (a lot of people down here in Devon have done that when their kids have grown up and I think people assume we're like them). I would say mrs f had a harder time of it, people would say to her quite openly that they think there must be something wrong with a woman who doesn't want kids (I would react, erm, robustly to this). My mum has never understood us not wanting kids and was quite disappointed when the lump in mrs f womb wasn't a baby but a tumour the size of a grapefruit (thanks mum, we were a bit gutted as well, but cancer can be cured, a kid is for life).

I used to do a lot of contracting, which meant I was always meeting new people in new workplaces and the conversations are always the same, are you married, do you have kids etc? And it was much harder when I was in my 30's as people just expect you to have them.

monquixote

Emp_Fab said:

TIGGER! - PUT DOWN THE RED BULL !  8 consecutive posts all from the same poster - you're trying to beat @sambostar for the record aren't you ?

As for the OP; for all the talk, it boils down to only one decision; have kids, don't have kids or divorce.   Remember - you can have kids up until you're too old and frail to shag - your wife however has a fixed number of eggs and once they're gone, they're gone forever - no matter whether she's on her own, with you or with another guy.  From her side, only she can make the call whether she's willing to sacrifice her chance of motherhood in order to stay with you.  That's a huge decision - and one you really don't want any regrets over when it's too late - that kind of shit will come back to bite you on the ass.  You say "we will not be splitting up - period" - well, if that's how you feel, you obviously want her far more than you don't want kids, and the only other option - staying together and denying her kids, is basically forcing her to decide to leave you or not.  Whatever you do, remember your options are open forever - hers aren't.

Even that's optimistic

Check this graph

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/i/preconception/infertilitygraph.gif

Once you hit 35 fertility drops massively in women. Though blokes stay fertile it's often a lot harder to conceive and you become very likely to have nasty complications and genetic defects.

tbm

Drew_fx said:

To be honest, it really fucks me off how parents tend to describe non-parents as somehow childish or lacking in some way.

You're all being rather egotistical about the fact that your bodies are capable of performing a series of chemical reactions.

Am I missing something? I didn't get that from a single post on this thread. The OP was looking for opinions on his situation and think largely people have provided balanced enough viewpoint while maintaining that not wanting kids is a perfectly valid point of view. You and Ms. fx are clearly on the same page, the OPs predicament was that that him and the wife are not in this instance.

It would be a brave person to post about actually regretting having kids, but It'd be interesting to hear it. Those people have to be out there.

BigMonka

Sambostar said:

I donno, I left work tonight, soaked through and knackered and a guy arrived home from an equally physically demanding job, just as I was leaving.  His greeting was three boys, jumping up and down on him and shouting at him and the wife had had them in all day, so time or no sympathy from her either.  I don't know if I could take that.  26 hours a day of doing your head in.  I would probably have to adopt them out or leave them in a drain somewhere.  No wonder so many blokes get depression.

I imagine the trick to it is NOT thinking about it too much and going with the flow and letting yourself and them evolve.  I mean it's not like you think about breathing in and out all the time is it and it's a similar sort of thing?

Also better make damn sure you know that women through and through and really want to be with her through thick and thin.

Your take on that situation is interesting. When I get back from a hard day at work (often wet because I cycle to work come rain or shine) and my 4year old sees me at the window and shouts "daddy's home" then rushes to the door to open it, the rest of the day no longer matters half as much. Of course there are many difficult times too, especially when the kids have got more energy than me, but they really can melt your heart just by looking at you.

Drew_TNBD

tbm;428079" said:

Drew_fx said:

To be honest, it really fucks me off how parents tend to describe non-parents as somehow childish or lacking in some way.

You're all being rather egotistical about the fact that your bodies are capable of performing a series of chemical reactions.










Am I missing something? I didn't get that from a single post on this thread. The OP was looking for opinions on his situation and think largely people have provided balanced enough viewpoint while maintaining that not wanting kids is a perfectly valid point of view. You and Ms. fx are clearly on the same page, the OPs predicament was that that him and the wife are not in this instance.



It would be a brave person to post about actually regretting having kids, but It'd be interesting to hear it. Those people have to be out there.

I see it clear as day, and now I'm sober!

tbm

Drew_fx said:

I see it clear as day, and now I'm sober!

You're looking pretty hard.

That's what she said.

thomasross20

@Philly_Q, thanks for answering! I know exactly what you mean..!

@Emp_Fab, I know, wow - where did that come from lol!

There are a few "famous" threads online about women who regret having kids - not hard to search out.

Anyway, good luck to the OP!!

I'd be interested in hearing from people on here who never had kids.

RocknRollDave

monquixote said:

I agree it's pretty patronising if people suggest you aren't in some way a complete person if you don't have kids.

It is however true to say it does completely change you in ways I think it's hard to explain, or comprehend unless you've done it (I have read it permanently alters your brain chemistry). That's not to say everyone should. I can imagine having kids you really don't want would be horrific.

Personally the fostering thing wouldn't appeal to me at all. I have zero interest in kids that aren't biologically mine.

Two things I think of note. 

When people think about kids they tend to think of babies shitting and needing feeding every 2 hours, but they only stay like that for a few months and then it's much less intense. My eldest isn't even 2 and she feeds herself the same food as we eat, walks, talks etc. 

The other thing is that before you have them you see the work they take, but not through the lens of you being completely in love with them. It's still hard work, but made much easier by the fact that spending time with them is a pleasure.

Have a wisdom, sir.

The choice to have children or not is a very personal one, and there can be a myriad of reasons why some people don't or can't have children. Pressure from people who don't know the full picture and/ or can't stop themselves from projecting their OWN desires onto other people are unwarranted and unjustified.

With that in mind, having children was something I definitely wanted to do, and for as long as I can remember - I have one, a daughter who will be 3 in January.

In reality, it's a bit like being offered a job doing something you love, that is dear to your heart...but finding out the hours are horrendous, the pay is lousy and you have no option to leave or get promoted. If you LOVE doing it, all that is bearable, it can still be fulfilling and satisfying. Imagine being offered the job as a second guitarist in your favourite band for next to no money? You'd still wanna do it, right?

But then imagine the same offer but it's NOT a job that is dear to your heart, it's something you will resent doing, something that will be a chore and not fulfil you as a person. How do you commit to that?

I am fortunate to come from parents that, whilst no more faultless than any of us, clearly love me and support me - OK sometimes I question the way they show it, but point being they chose to have me. I was wanted.
I am sure there are a number of forumites whose story is not the same, however, people who could (I'm not suggesting they should, it's a personal thing) tell us what it's like to grow up with a father who DID resent their presence.

Now, I'm not trying to scare anyone or put anyone off...simply: It is a BIG DEAL having children. Wonderful, heartbursting but BIG. It WILL change your life, it will change YOU, it will change how big you are in the world you live in - suddenly you won't be at the centre of it, that's for sure..
For me, if I'd know exactly what it was going to be like, I'd have been more terrified than I was. But I would still have done it. For others, they would have chosen to walk away. Each to their own. No right or wrong answer. Parenthood is for some people, for others it is not..neither is the better person for that.

thomasross20

Good post!!

randomhandclaps

Spot on @RocknRollDave.

BigMonka said:

When I get back from a hard day at work (often wet because I cycle to work come rain or shine) and my 4year old sees me at the window and shouts "daddy's home" then rushes to the door to open it, the rest of the day no longer matters half as much. Of course there are many difficult times too, especially when the kids have got more energy than me, but they really can melt your heart just by looking at you.

Got to say that fortunately this is my experience.  Many times it is largely their energy, love, innocence and enthusiasm that gets me through some periods. 

monquixote

randomhandclaps said:

Spot on @RocknRollDave.

BigMonka said:

When I get back from a hard day at work (often wet because I cycle to work come rain or shine) and my 4year old sees me at the window and shouts "daddy's home" then rushes to the door to open it, the rest of the day no longer matters half as much. Of course there are many difficult times too, especially when the kids have got more energy than me, but they really can melt your heart just by looking at you.

Got to say that fortunately this is my experience.  Many times it is largely their energy, love, innocence and enthusiasm that gets me through some periods. 

This in spades. 

It doesn't matter how shit your day has been, coming home to shouts of "Daddy!" and a big hug washes it all away.

VimFuego

monquixote said:

randomhandclaps said:

Spot on @RocknRollDave.

BigMonka said:

When I get back from a hard day at work (often wet because I cycle to work come rain or shine) and my 4year old sees me at the window and shouts "daddy's home" then rushes to the door to open it, the rest of the day no longer matters half as much. Of course there are many difficult times too, especially when the kids have got more energy than me, but they really can melt your heart just by looking at you.

Got to say that fortunately this is my experience.  Many times it is largely their energy, love, innocence and enthusiasm that gets me through some periods. 

This in spades. 

It doesn't matter how shit your day has been, coming home to shouts of "Daddy!" and a big hug washes it all away.

jeez, that gave me a horrendous flashback. Fortunately, the paternity tests came back negative and it turned out to just be a scam.