Friday humour

Hootsmon · June 2017

...and then he turns round and says tae me.....

Bellycaster · June 2017

I saw a Dentist and a Manicurist beating the shit out of each other today.

Fretwired · June 2017

Image: http://www.fretwired.com/images/grand.jpg

Fretwired · June 2017

Image: http://www.fretwired.com/images/vg.jpg

Fretwired · June 2017

Image: http://www.fretwired.com/images/eye.jpg

Hootsmon · June 2017

rocktron · June 2017

CORPORATE BALLS - AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Handsome_Chris · June 2017

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".

"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.

So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

"No I'm princess Ann"

"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".

The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

"No I'm princess Margaret".

" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.

Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."

"Yes I'm the Queen".

"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

rocktron · June 2017

Review from someone who bought an air-cooler from Amazon during the recent heatwave:-

This arrived very promptly and was easy to assemble - just put the wheels on the bottom. They were a little difficult to attach as the tool provided is very small and fiddly to use, so I used an adjustable spanner. One quibble is that it's difficult to see the min-max fill lines on the water reservoir, and I can't see how you empty it if you're not using it for a while. As for how effective it is at cooling, it worked really well as after the first night we used it, the weather changed and it's now 15 degrees C cooler, so it seems to have cooled the whole country!

Hootsmon · July 2017

Hootsmon · July 2017

Alnico · July 2017

Handsome_Chris said:

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

Brilliant !
I love that one Chris, Nice one.

Fretwired · July 2017

Image: http://www.fretwired.com/images/bosch.jpg

axisus · July 2017

Alnico said:

Handsome_Chris said:

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

Brilliant !
I love that one Chris, Nice one.

I didn't get it. What's an RSM even?

Fretwired · July 2017

axisus said:

Alnico said:

Handsome_Chris said:

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

Brilliant !
I love that one Chris, Nice one.

I didn't get it. What's an RSM even?

Regimental Sergeant Major - Coldstream Guards at a guess.

rocktron · July 2017

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "'You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!", then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt collar and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your Chinese accent ready).

..........

……..

'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'

rocktron · July 2017

A woman arrived home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne out of fury only a woman scorned can muster, she dragged her husband naked down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the vice handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified husband screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eyes, said "Nope.. . you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."