Xmas Pressies + mother-in-law, am I being unreasonable?

axisus

as of a few years ago, I banned my mother in law from being around when my kids open their pressies from her. We make her drop them off before the day. She likes to be there to see their appreciative little faces as they burst into tears of joy and run over saying "we love you Nana".

The reality is a bit different. Kids are rather good at showing disappointment on their faces, even if they are polite enough to not say anything. We have had upset scenes in the past when one got something the other wanted, or their colour was better, or 'I've got this already' and all that kiddie stuff. Quite frankly I had enough of that, so hence the ban. It's one less thing to get stressed over at my most unfavourite time of year.

4 kids by the way, so plenty of permutations on the aggro front!

CabbageCat

Do you really mean "ban"? As in "not allowing her to be present even though she wants to be"? To stop her from disappointing herself?

If so then yes, you are being unreasonable.

There are 100 reasons why someone wouldn't want the MiL around but that is not a very good one.

strumjoughlamps

unreasonable, selfish and down right hurtful if you ask me.. that woman gave birth to a girl who grew up to be your wife and that wife gave you 4 kids, have a a bit of respect you wouldn't have the family you have now it it wasn't for her..

don't get me wrong I have had a couple of run ins with my MiL but I never in my darkest days would deny her wanting to see the kids open pressies that she has bought for them, if it was such a big hassle to me I would make myself scarce for the 10 mins it takes..

I would imagine this is teaching your kids how things are so I could quite see this happening a generation down the line, imagine how hurtful it will be for you and your better half.

TTony

Harsh.  

But probably not untypical of the sort of grief that many families get caught up in at Christmas, sadly.

not_the_dj

Much as I hate the In-laws being here for Christmas I grin and bear it for the kids. At least they're not staying for dinner, just a quick visit to give the boys their pressies then off!

viz

Remember if we love our parents and parents in law, it will be easier to believe that our children love us when we get old! I think this is one of the old "yes but our generation is different" things that we don't find out until we get there - the truth is that we're all on the same hike on the same path towards the same cliff; remember to look ahead as well as behind you!

ROOG

This used to make me cringe a bit but its a lesson for both sides to learn, you don't always get what you want and kids often display the harsh truth.

 

I agree with strumjoughlamps, find something important to do at that moment, or close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and hum, La, La, La La.....loudly

digitalscream

Why not solve the problem at the source - make suggestions as to what she should get the kids - thus fixing everything, improving her Christmas and making your kids happy too?

Strikes me that you're trying to fix the symptom rather than the cause.

johnnyurq

viz;112904" said:

Remember if we love our parents and parents in law, it will be easier to believe that our children love us when we get old! I think this is one of the old "yes but our generation is different" things that we don't find out until we get there - the truth is that we're all on the same hike on the same path to the same cliff; remember to look ahead as well as behind you!

Wise words indeed @viz.

fretmeister

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rival-nans-prepare-for-christmas-face-off-2012112850916

Stevepage

Honestly I think it's not right, if she wants to be there when your kids are happy or disappointed then thats up to her. It's what families do, right or wrong.

chillidoggy

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. Put yourself in her position, and try again. I'm as bloody-minded and stubborn as they come, but sometimes there is protocol to be observed, and we have to comply. Watching kids open their presents is one of the finest things in life for a parent, or grandparent, even if there are sometimes disappointments, and I for one wouldn't want to be denied that pleasure.

thumpingrug

FREE the MIL

Deadman

How do you ban your mother in law from coming round? I wish I could ban mine from talking.

axisus

Thanks people for the wise words, I'm clearly out on a limb here! I shall discuss with Mrs A, but just to add, the MiL wants/ expects her pressie to be the most loved! 

Just for the record though, if I buy a pressie for someone, I prefer to not be there when they open it, if I get a pressie I prefer not to open it in the presence of the giver (although I will if they want me to), and my mum is the same (I blame the genes!). Also, I get genuinely stressed by 'social occasions', to the point of not sleeping at night (!), and although Xmas is not the same type of 'social occasion' it does have exactly the same effect on me.

I'll be glad when it's all over ..... as usual.

Sambostar

You are bad man.  She will have been around long enough to take a few knocks, fights or looks of rejection or disappointment.  She is there just to be there with the kids. Give her a break, she probably doesn't give a rats arse whether the kids like their presents or not, as much as she is there just to see them for better or worse.  I think the thing that is most wrong is you tranplanting yourself into her point of view, feeling her thoughts for her and deciding on a resolution which is best for her, when she isn't even involved or consulted.  That is just plain wrong.

Now shitting in a small cardboard box and wrapping it up at 6 in the morning and putting it under the tree with a 'Nana' gift tag is not wrong, but banning Nana from opening presents with the kids at Xmas, that is definitely bad.  Besides. let her deal with them and discipline them and take a break, that is what it's all about.  If she can't take the heat she'll make her own decisions and you'll know next Xmas, but to make suppositions on her behalf is just wrong.  What kind of monster are you?  A politician or something?

ICBM

Just for the record and to make him feel less alone, I sympathise with axisus. I've had to ban my own parents from coming to stay with us, after the amount of aggravation and stress they caused the last two times they came - the most recent was only a daytime visit too. My dad particularly has become selfish, arrogant, argumentative, repetitive and obsessive. Yes, they're still my parents… which makes it harder since I feel guilty about it.

I know they're in their later 70s now, but they seem to have changed quite a lot recently and don't seem like the parents I grew up with any more. The kids don't appreciate them being here really either, they find it stressful too. It ruins the whole point of a family occasion and turns it into a trial by ordeal, and I have no intention of making life miserable for us and the kids just to keep them happy. Sorry but there it is.

dindude

ICBM said:

My dad particularly has become selfish, arrogant, argumentative, repetitive and obsessive.

Be careful you don't turn out the same way.

Selfish (two, yes two Tremoverbs when there are so few around)

Arrogant (two Tremoverbs but you don't even gig)

Argumentative (it is the best amp in world, end of)

Repetitive (it's the best amp in the world, end of)

Obsessive (did I mention the Tremoverb)

PS hope you don't mind me making light of your family situation, it's meant in the best spirit.

ICBM

dindude said:

Be careful you don't turn out the same way.

I know, and it does worry me . It also worries me that some of this sort of behaviour could be the sign of something worse starting.

Do you want to buy a Trem-o-verb, by the way?

(For what it's worth I do gig - just not with a guitar amp at the moment… )

randomhandclaps

 

axisus said:

but just to add, the MiL wants/ expects her pressie to be the most loved! 

 

Does she actually ask them what they want who is she naïve enough to think you can know what a kid wants more than them?

EricTheWeary

I think my mother and mother in law have always asked what our kids want for Xmas or just given us the money, so if the kids look disapointed it is our fault.
Generally if we buy for other people's kids or other people buy for ours there is a conversation about what to buy. The kids still get suprises and there isn't such a waste of money. My sister still refuses to participate in this and the conversation about What Was Aunt Kate Thinking on the drive home has become a looked forward to part of the festivities. If anybody wants a vividly coloured snood I have a drawer full...