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In an effort to enhance its aerodynamics and reduce its weight, I removed its shell.
Unfortunately it just made it more sluggish....
The desk sergeant asks the tortoise if he can describe his attackers.
'No', replies the tortoise, 'it all happened so fast'.
Bison
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
I lie awake in bed at night, wondering if there's a dog.
A. Beer.
Doctor: OK get up on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor I think I'm a moth.
I'm not a doctor.
Sorry I had to come in when I saw your light was on.
I asked them "What are you doing down there?"
"We've been tipped off."
You divide the distanceiraptor by the timeiraptor
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youtube.com/@TheColourboxMusic
She said, "Could I interest you in a mother and daughter threesome?"
I said,"Yes!"
She shouted, "Mother!"
Does it hurt?
No, but it's driving me nuts!......
If you divided distanceiraptor by timeiraptor you would get a speediraptor unless the distanceiraptor were represented as a vector and even then it would be a velocityiraptor not a velociraptor.
I fucking hate your joke.
Bartender: 'Sorry sir you'll have to leave'
Man: 'What? Why?'
Bartender: 'We don't cater for funk-shuns'
*runs away*
An 80-year-old man goes to church regularly, then one Sunday as he is leaving the church he stops to talk to the vicar. The vicar says how can I help you, the old man replies do you do exorcisms, the vicar replies I don’t but we do have people in the church who can do this for you. And not called exorcists any more, they deliverance consultants Why do you need this asked the vicar. I have a ghost or an evil spirit in my house replies the old man, how do you know you’ve got ghosts replies the vicar. If I have to get up in the night the old man replies, to go to the loo as I get there the light comes on all by itself then a cold rush of air comes over me. Then when I finished peeing the light goes out on its own then the cold air seems to disappear. It does sound like you need the help of a deliverance consultant, vicar says I see what I can do.
The following Sunday vicar talks the old man and tells him the deliverance consultant is in the church, after service we will go round to your house. After service they go round to the old man’s house, the vicar and the deliverance minister get out all the paraphernalia ready to do an exorcism. Just before they start the old man’s daughter walked into the house and asked what the hell is going on, the vicar explains what’s been happening and what are about to do. The daughter then explains to the vicar and the deliverance consultant that her dad has been peeing in the refrigerator.
Your life will improve when you realise it’s better to be alone than chase people who do not really care about you. Saying YES to happiness means learning to say NO to things and people that stress you out.
https://www.facebook.com/grahame.pollard.39/
A labrakadabrador
Colonel Smythe: "Wibble prepare lunch"
(Faithfull servant) Wibble: "Certainly sir"
Later...
"Wibble, clear the table and get me a cigar"
"Certainly sir, and is there anything else?"
"Yes Wibble, run me a bath"
...Colonel Smythe climbs into the bath water, relaxes and lets out an enormous fart.
Wibble rushes in with a water bottle.
"What are you doing with that water bottle Wibble".
"Sorry sir, I thought you shouted: 'what-about-a-water-bottle-wibble'".
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What's brown and sticky?
Shit!