Expectations from being an adult...

agibbo

I was having a conversation with a colleague today about what you wanted from life when you were younger, compared to what you've actually achieved as a middle aged adult. 

I realised that I'm not far off what I wanted to be when I was younger, and have most of the things I aspired to have back then too (nice house, wife, kids, etc).  I'm in a much better position than a lot of my colleagues and friends, but it never seems enough!

Theoretically I should be really happy with what I have achieved, but there always seems to be pressure from someone (family, society, social media etc) to make you feel like you should have done more, or want more from life. 

I wasn't the only one to feel like this, and I'm not sure what the point of me writing this is either! However, the more I've thought about it, the more it annoys me!

I've said my piece, thank you, lol! :-)

spark240

I didnt have a clue what I wanted....other than mega stardom...which clearly didnt happen.

I heard that success can be measured by doing what you like vs doing what you don't like.....I think most of time is spent doing what I like so I assume thats a fair success.

thecolourbox

My main expectation of adulthood came to pass - I can now eat cake regardless of whether it is my birthday and I've become boring as hell. That was all I knew about growing up and it's come true.

VimFuego

what I was young I had no idea what I wanted from life, now I'm older and the years have given me a modicum of insight and wisdom, I still have no fucking clue what I want to do. 

thecolourbox

VimFuego said:

what I was young I had no idea what I wanted to do, now I'm older and the years have given me a modicum of insight and wisdom, I still have no fucking clue what I want to do. 

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, oh it was beautiful - magical

monquixote

The pleasure comes from striving and achieving not from having. That's why we are never satisfied.

Maynehead

There was a time when a successful life meant having enough food to eat and living over 30 years...

It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself against others, but ultimately what matters is how you feel about your life. If you are happy, and you’re satisfied, then you’re already more successful than a lot of people!

Moominpapa

I think the state of 'feeling like an adult' is always relative, like 'tomorrow'. I'll be 60 in a few weeks but I still don't really feel like an adult. I've always felt that 'adults' are people who are really good with financial matters, know how to make savvy deals, are in charge of lots of people in their jobs, instinctively know what to do in an emergency, and are generally (sense the theme here?) on top of the situations that life puts them in. And as I never feel like I'm on top of anything compared to most people, I still feel like I'm a child relative to them. (I strongly suspect that they all feel the same way about themselves, too.)

Schnozz

I went on holiday in hostels last year and there was so many 'lost' people.

Some had bought a house and rented it out to wander, others had started a really successful career and left and others were just working at the hostel/bar and trying to figure things out. As I don't intend to have kids, I didn't find it very reassuring.

I went to a birthday party recently and everyone was trying to get their expensive watches in the photos and outdo each other like on these TV programmes, but I don't think anyone was happy there either and itching for a spat.

My cousin lives in a concrete bungalow near a beach and she buried the nose of her knackered VW beetle in sand and turned the rest of it into a cocktail bar, for her workmates at NEXT. She's genuinely happy.

Someone else said to me that society dictates that you should live with a partner or alone (or in professional shared housing), but what if you rented a house with your mates? I couldn't think of anyone that does the latter. Strange. 

agibbo

monquixote said:

The pleasure comes from striving and achieving not from having. That's why we are never satisfied.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, and sadly that seems to be how my mindset works!

It always seems to be about getting the next thing, whether it be a bigger house, better job, or (for our forum) better or more expensive guitars!

I really prefer a simple life. My favourite guitar is my oldest and least expensive one. I love the house I live in now, but the neighbours are all stuck up snobs, and sadly my kids seem to be going this way too! The job I do now is really stressful, and it does make you wonder what you are doing it for?!

Phil_aka_Pip

when I was a teenager at school I day dreamed of having an interesting job, modest accommodation of my own eg a flat, a decent stereo, a decent motorbike, a Les Paul, and a Marshall stack. Throughout the 80s and 90s all these became achieved.


Now, all I want is a character detached house out in the sticks with enough room for a recording studio, an ES175 to add to the LP/SG/335 collection, the 'last' upgrade to the stereo would be a decent pair of floorstanders, and if I got rich enough to own a Norton Commando like the one I used to have plus a T100 and an A10, a Morris Minor van, a green Land Rover, an E-type, a modern hatchback and a modern van (eg Transit Connect) .... I'd be happy. Or would I?

I think @monquixote is right - the things don't make you happy. You can always identify "just one more" thing. If I got an ES-175 I'm sure I'd start gassing for an ES-330. etc etc.

ionian

Be kind to yourselves. It's OK to feel the way you all feel because everyone who has posted is reflecting on it. And, long term, that reflection will improve your happiness.

I fall into the "want" trap repeatedly but I try to let myself off when (for me) I look at where I started and how far my journey has taken me.

LuttiS

I wanted to be a train driver by day and a scientist by night when I was younger.. 
Haven't done either yet..

More seriously, I have a job.. I'm fairy unhappy in it, but I have a family & mortgage too so not many options at the moment, but I get by. 

I recently saw an old friend, we've been really close since we first met at 7 years old. He is stupidly Intelligent academically-wise. He's also not stereotypical academic as in so nieve as to how people interact etc..  He did the whole Cambridge, PhD, works in academics, gets a boner for string theory, writes code for shits and giggles. All in all got his shit together in life as I see it. 

Out of our group of friends,  he had his shit together from day 1, whereas I had a vague idea that I would do somethingish and somehow get by. We don't see each other often as we live different parts of the country so when we met up we had some drinks and got to putting the world to right etc.

Apparently, as he (and other old friends) see it, out of all of us, I'm the most successful at life.. which surprised me coming from him.. I'm on a fraction of his wage and have no real direction.. 
He saw it as having wife/kid/house/ stable job etc. He saw his life as so full of shit and stress and lonleyujness. He jacked in his senior lecturership job a little while ago and is currently teaching people how to sail in Turkey for the next few months.

Not sure where i was going with this, but I guess something about perceptions and how you/others measure success/where you want to be. I guess that  i don't see my self as having achieved much career wise, where as successful friend doesn't see himself having achieved lifewise.  

To conclude, next day we went to the snowdome. We were hungover and had I had fun snowboarding and he had fun skiing.

Dominic

Well, I started out with absolutely nothing whatsoever,
..........and I've still got most of it left !

JDE

monquixote said:

The pleasure comes from striving and achieving not from having. That's why we are never satisfied.

Until I basically became a Buddhist a few years ago I would have totally agreed with that. For some people this is very true, and it was true for me. Still, we all have the capacity to change.... Personally, I am happy with what I have. I don’t compare myself to others (“Comparison is the Thief of Joy” and all that. Not Buddha, but a very smart chap, nevertheless). I still set goals like any other normal human being but I try to spend 99% of my time in what is actually happening right now, rather than the future. I make a conscious effort to not look back, to the point that even when I’m with my mates and we are talking about “old times” I think it’s actually pointless. 
My “aim” is to be the best person I can be today for my wife and kids and to be content. And as someone that has had a lot of success and a lot of loss, I can tell you that having lots of money and success does not make you happy. 


Having lots of booze makes you happy

TTBZ

I've got the house, wife, kids, dog etc despite never really wanting or dreaming about any of that. Not that I'd change it, it just sort of happened and it's great. The only thing I want is more time for playing guitar and riding bikes. Little home studio/sound proof room would be nice. It is weird seeing my friends who haven't changed since we left school, still out drinking every weekend at 30. We've kinda drifted apart which is sad, I don't have any dad mates!

agibbo

LuttiS said:

I wanted to be a train driver by day and a scientist by night when I was younger.. 
Haven't done either yet..

More seriously, I have a job.. I'm fairy unhappy in it, but I have a family & mortgage too so not many options at the moment, but I get by. 

I recently saw an old friend, we've been really close since we first met at 7 years old. He is stupidly Intelligent academically-wise. He's also not stereotypical academic as in so nieve as to how people interact etc..  He did the whole Cambridge, PhD, works in academics, gets a boner for string theory, writes code for shits and giggles. All in all got his shit together in life as I see it. 

Out of our group of friends,  he had his shit together from day 1, whereas I had a vague idea that I would do somethingish and somehow get by. We don't see each other often as we live different parts of the country so when we met up we had some drinks and got to putting the world to right etc.

Apparently, as he (and other old friends) see it, out of all of us, I'm the most successful at life.. which surprised me coming from him.. I'm on a fraction of his wage and have no real direction.. 
He saw it as having wife/kid/house/ stable job etc. He saw his life as so full of shit and stress and lonleyujness. He jacked in his senior lecturership job a little while ago and is currently teaching people how to sail in Turkey for the next few months.

Not sure where i was going with this, but I guess something about perceptions and how you/others measure success/where you want to be. I guess that  i don't see my self as having achieved much career wise, where as successful friend doesn't see himself having achieved lifewise.  

To conclude, next day we went to the snowdome. We were hungover and had I had fun snowboarding and he had fun skiing.

I had a similar conversation with some of my mates recently, and i was surprised that they said I was the one they were most envious of - even though most, if not all have higher paid jobs than me, but saw my job as "exciting" compared to theirs. 

It's the fine line of do you let your life define your career, or your career define your life (if that makes sense), and there needs to be a happy medium somewhere in the middle.

Kilgore

I couldn't wait to drive a car. Now I want a chauffeur.

Easter egg chocolate was the best and it still is.

On the whole I'm happy with life, in fact it sometimes scares the shit out of me that I'm much closer to the end than the beginning.

Funkfingers

In 1977, I expected the unexpected from peter gabriel.

richardhomer

Phil_aka_Pip said:

I think @monquixote is right - the things don't make you happy. You can always identify "just one more" thing. If I got an ES-175 I'm sure I'd start gassing for an ES-330. etc etc.

‘Things’ definitely don’t make you happy - indeed I’ve divested myself of pretty much any unnecessary piece of guitar related paraphernalia over the last year - I now only own things that have a purpose rather than some nebulous ‘ownership’ value.

As I reach my Autumn years (I’m 55 in just over two weeks) all I really value are people and my health. My son - who has lived with me almost exclusively since he was 5 in 2007 - has recently decided to spend his remaining ‘pre-university’ time living primarily at his mum’s. It’s shocked me to the core - though I understand that for both of them it’s probably a ‘good thing’. I feel almost bereaved, even though I still see him a lot. 

Ultimately our relationships with others are what define us - and realising that is probably the mark of reaching adulthood for me....

monquixote

JDE said:

monquixote said:

The pleasure comes from striving and achieving not from having. That's why we are never satisfied.

Until I basically became a Buddhist a few years ago I would have totally agreed with that. For some people this is very true, and it was true for me. Still, we all have the capacity to change.... Personally, I am happy with what I have. I don’t compare myself to others (“Comparison is the Thief of Joy” and all that. Not Buddha, but a very smart chap, nevertheless). I still set goals like any other normal human being but I try to spend 99% of my time in what is actually happening right now, rather than the future. I make a conscious effort to not look back, to the point that even when I’m with my mates and we are talking about “old times” I think it’s actually pointless. 
My “aim” is to be the best person I can be today for my wife and kids and to be content. And as someone that has had a lot of success and a lot of loss, I can tell you that having lots of money and success does not make you happy. 


Having lots of booze makes you happy

I think we are agreeing.

To strive is to be in the moment it's the essence of mindfulness and flow.

We get confused that happiness comes from the trophy when it comes from the race that it comes from reaching a destination when it comes from taking the journey.

I remember an anecdote about a recent Olympic gold medalist in the locker room crying "what am I going to do with the rest of my life?"