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Morning all,
Need some advice...
My daughter is just 4 and started school last week. Obviously as I'm sure all the other parents can attest to, this is a nervous time for both child and parents, as it's a huge change for the littl'un and you just want them to be OK on one of their first big steps in life.
When my wife collected our daughter yesterday she noticed she had a big cut on her knee, and after some further investigation a lump to one side of her forehead.
My wife took her in to speak to the teacher, however the teacher said that she hadn't noticed the bump on her head (to be fair it is covered by my daughter's fringe, so it's not obvious) and that they (the teachers) had asked her about her knee, but my daughter said she fell over in the playground and it was OK now. So they left it.
Once my wife got our daughter home she sat her down and asked what had happened.
It turns out one of the girls from the year above pushed her over then actually headbutted her! Hence the cut on her knee and the lump on the forehead.
The little girl from the year above who did it is our next door neighbour's younger daughter. She is 6.
We had already warned the school that there was a potential this could happen. My daughter is at the age where she wants to play with 'bigger' girls so she always likes to play with our next door neighbour's kids when she can. They are fine normally, but the younger daughter (who is the one who has hit my daughter) has shown signs in the past that she can lose her temper a bit with our kid, but nothing like this. We always keep a close eye on it. Hence we asked the school to do the same.
Once we found out what had happened I tried to go next door to speak (calmly) to the parents about it, but they weren't home from work yet. When I got back home, my parents (who were round our house at the time), told me to leave it and go and speak to the school about it. They need to be the ones to sort it out, was their opinion. My wife and I eventually decided it was probably best to speak to the school about it first, then approach the parents.
Mrs B spoke to the teacher this morning and filled her in on what our daughter said had happened. The teacher was quite shocked, but said that she would speak to the other girl's teacher, and would maybe speak to her herself as well. They will keep an eye on them in the playground and try to ensure nothing else happens.
My wife will go in and speak to the teacher again tonight to find out how the school have handled it.
I think I'm going to go round tonight to have a word with the parents too.
That is currently how I have left it. It's a shit situation. I just want my little girl to be OK.
What do you think? Are we doing the right thing? Is there anything else we can do? Would you act differently? Anyone else had similar experiences.
I can't help about the shape I'm in, I can't sing I ain't pretty and my legs are thin
But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to
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Comments
Speak to the parents would be my choice, this is your child so tell them in no uncertain terms that you won't be so reasonable if it happens again.
Most parents are reasonable, they would want to stop their child being a bully, however some are the reason their child behaves that way. I had one of those type of parents when my daughter was being picked on, sometimes you have to speak a language they understand, so I told the father every time his daughter hit mine I'd hit him, it stopped after that
I think I will speak to the parents as well. I don't really want to fall out as they live next door, and that just complicates things further.
The husband is pretty reasonable. It's the wife where this kid has got the behaviour from.
I just hope they are receptive!
I can't help about the shape I'm in, I can't sing I ain't pretty and my legs are thin
But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to
The school will record the incident, discuss it with the kid, make a record in a book of actions by the kid which will be reported to the parents at parents evening if it remains a one-off.
If the kid does something again, the parents will get called in and the first issue will be raised without the identity being divulged.
The advantage of the school handling it is they have authority, procedures to handle this, and are impartial.
BELIEVE ME, there is nothing so fraught as trying to resolve it yourself, one kid at my son's primary school decided he wanted my son's best friend so spread a load of lies about my son and caused a feud.. being good friends with our son's best friend's parents I phoned up to figure it out, the guy went balistic at the possibility the false rumours were true and frankly was useless for the rest of the conversation, and verbally abused my wife the next day at school - which frankly is a mistake and saw him beating a retreat to his car.. the trick ISN'T escalation it's openness - bullies hate it - and kids learn it from somewhere so parents might not be rational.
What your daughter needs to know is that what's happening isn't right, you love her and you've got a plan and it involves the teachers. There are lots of books in the library on bullying like Tyrone the Horrible which might help your daughter to put this in perspective and feel okay about talking about it.
If I were you I'd listen to your wife, tell her how awful you feel and wish you could do something, because frankly someone who can get a four year old to talk about something so personal is pretty special
It really sucks to feel caught up in stuff like that, recognise that, accept it, realise you don't need to act on that then do the right thing for your daughter. Good luck.
I went through it with my kids. At that young age things will happen due to the age/size/development differences between kids.
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
My son is 4 and started school yesterday. He has to drink when the other chldren wont be and i know this will stop him drinking. He will copy the other kids and so we are relying on the teachers to sort this out. We cant be there all day. It is vital he has his drinks as his kidney is no longer growing with his body and his other kidney is damaged. We trust the teachers to help us. The Mrs has been into the school and spoke to the teachers who have agreed to do all they can.My son wants to be a big boy now and isnt prepared to wait, he is 4 but tells us next year he will be 9 ha. He plays with older kids and some of them look out for him which is really ace. Hopefully some other kids will look out for your daughter too.
The school dealt with my sons problem quickly and effectively.
As has been said, don't overreact. Going to her parents all guns blazing will cause more problems. Schools are shit and are terrified to do anything but do approach them, get them to record the incident and make sure you get a copy of the report. I would also approach the parents and have a general chat about it. Remember there are always two sides. My boy is an angel but he has said stuff (as we all have) that has rubbed someone up the wrong way and got a punch in the face. He meant no malice by what he said but it was taken out of context.
Fighting bullies involves small unpleasant tricks - pressure points, where to pinch, stuff that doesn't leave a mark or have any lasting damage but is unpleasant enough to have someone think twice about hassling you, AND importantly is too embarrassing to relay to other bullies (he pinched me really hard sounds wussy - but it deters all the same and other bullies notice that shame and sedulously avoid it) which is more prevailent in Ju-jitsu or Judo (after Funakoshi took Karate to the mainland and taught it in schools alongside Judo - which involved removing the throws, arm locks, chokes and strangles from the style).
Generally if you find a martial arts teacher who teaches the class stranger-danger shouting "you're not my mum/dad" as a way of self defence (i.e. a sensible appraisal of a child's strengths) then they'll probably teach the "small war" stuff for school - that's utterly useless in any other form of fighting.
I found out that both our sons were being bullied to differing extents last year. The oldest (5) was getting it worse. Each evening when returning from school if they have a scratch or a bruise I am always asking them how it happened. The oldest would usually say he fell over etc. as he is desperate not to get anybody into trouble. Then one day he came home with a bruise that clearly resembled a stamp mark in his groin. Me and him went out for a walk and eventually he broke down and told me what had been happening. The bullying was led by one boy and ranged from teasing everything for being too girly or babyish, right through to pretty nasty physical assaults.
Sure enough this boy's dad is the kind of pathetic insecure homophobic twat who believes that if his son ever got exposed to the colour pink, had a cry or walked away from a fight he would immediately turn gay and that would be his massive failure as a dad.
I felt I had three choices -
I felt at the time the fairest and ultimately least destructive approach for the atmosphere my son has to enter every day was to write to the school. We also spoke to our sons teacher in person - she is an incredibly lovely woman, but we wanted something on record to say for certain 'Here is where we first complained'. I highlighted the fact that my child had actually been the victim of an assault which would be unacceptable outside the gates of the school and if committed out of school would have resulted in police involvement. I didn't want to directly threaten them with 'sort it out or I'll call the police' but put in just enough hint to imply that I didn't want to be pushed to the point where involving outside agencies was my only way to protect my child. The letter was very politely written from the perspective of 'Help, what do we do?' but also clear that if nothing changed I would step up the issue further.
The onus I always put back on the school is that when in my care I do everything in my power to protect my child. However I am legally forced to send my kid to school and for that time surrender guardianship and protection to them. It is a horrible position to be in as a parent and schools need to realise this.
Ultimately you have to do what you and you wife feel is right but I sincerely echo what has been said about not speaking to the parents and instead remembering and reiterating the responsibility the school have to your child's protection and writing to them explaining both you child's and both you and your wife feelings as well as actual events.