Fk stage 4 cancer

strumjoughlamps

My bestie is not doing well.. meant to see him yesterday so rang to confirm and his Mum answered saying he’s in big pain doc had come and gave him pain relief and not up for visitors.

spoke to his brothers earlier (also good friends) and they are getting the same response. So it’s looking like bestie is choosing to distance which we have to respect but fk it’s hard.

he has last chance treatment waiting but is losing weight at an alarming rate and thus not well enough for treatment… 

I am pretty pissed right now listening to 90s indie remembering the days he didn’t have stage 4 and I wasn’t stage 3 PD…. Sorry bout that.

tone1

Cancer is a sneaky bastard…..I have a friend with stage 4 bowel cancer (but looking better every week strangely enough)…..you’ll find the strength to get through it somehow….take care of yourself…

mgaw

Watched my Dad die of cancer , it’s fucking horrible, he did though enjoy seeing the world with real intensity on his way to the end .

sorry to hear about your friend it’s tough news

strumjoughlamps

Edited

Shrews

Your friend will be thinking of you all that's for sure, but right now fighting the pain has taken over and just getting the feeling back of feeling 'comfortable' will no doubt be his only focus. 

Bloody tough to meet anybody other than primary carers when you're that sick. You don't want loved ones to see you like that and don't want to appear rude, offish, or emotional. It's hard work keeping up appearances when all you want to do is scream and shout, and if you find just a little bit of a comfort spot where the pain isn't quite as bad, possibly even going away altogether, you really don't want anybody to disturb that. And you're always worried that an embarrassing bodily response will kick in and you will vomit, have a phlegmy coughing fit, or can't make the toilet in time. You really don't want anybody by your bedside when that happens. Just a helpful nurse who can help if you press the button.

Gosh, when my wife was in the hospice, she didn't even want her own brother or best friends to visit and it took so much out of her when they did, to a point where we stopped having quality time together as a couple (when people left she was just too exhausted for more conversation). We chose to change that, which upset a few people, but it was the right thing for her happiness.

Visitors understandingly fear the end is coming and want to see the sick person. Then when they do they feel that it may be the last time and want to visit again as soon as possible!

If the person is showing signs of dying then close friends may well be called if there is time. Likely who those people are would have been discussed in advance. With my wife only 1 of 4 made it to witness her last breaths with me.

So I would say, try not to worry, talk to the family maybe, ask them to tell the person that you've been asking about them and will see them when they get a bit better or if they ask to see you.

And keep reminiscing. Thinking about the good times is an awesome way to respect anybody.

littlegreenman

Having been through it with both my Mum and my little Brother I can heartily agree with the thread title.

slacker

Same sentiments here, down one grandmother. Brother. Two sister in laws. And two friends. 

guitars4you

Always sad to hear such news @strumjoughlamps - Both my mum and dad died from cancer - But there was a big difference - Mum was 49 and wanted to live and had so much more to live for - Dad was 85 and knew time was not on his side - I was with both of them when they died - But again a big difference

I consider it to be an honour that I was with dad at the end, talking to him about the past - But whilst I was with mum it was painful - For years after, all I could remember and recall about her was the last 2 mins - Not the years she brought us up, looked after us, fed us, cared for us, loved us, laughs etc - That last 2 mins was all I could remember - And I've hated hospitals ever since - So part of me me, especially if their time is taken away from us at far to young an age, is to remember all the good parts and not see those final days which are far from pleasant  - I know we are all different and have different relationships with friends/family

Talk on here if it helps - Play some great tunes that remind you of the past and find other friends/family to share such memories with - They will be feeling it as well and bonded support will help - Take care 

Ozzie744

I'm sorry to hear this. Wishing for strength for you and your friend. It Sucks.

Devil#20

Lost my mate earlier this year. Kidney to lung to brain. He stayed positive up until the end. He was 43yo with a wife and 2 young kids, so yes; fk cancer.

RaymondLin

Fk cancer. Amen.

Funkfingers

strumjoughlamps said:

… he’s in big pain … doc had come and gave him pain relief and not up for visitors … it's looking like bestie is choosing to distance …

Without wishing to tread on any toes, your friend may not be in any position to choose when visitors attend. (By this, I mean that he could be spending most of each day unconscious.) Do not feel rejected.

With Stage 4 palliative care, orally-administered pain relief helps to make day-to-day discomfort bearable. The stuff that requires a doctor to administer could/should be putting your friend well out of it.

Thus, if you do visit, scintillating conversation is unlikely to be the order of the day. The positive side of visiting is that you absolve yourself of any guilt or anxiety over not having visited while it was still possible. The negative side is that there will be little or nothing that you can do to assist beyond providing your friend's mother with a little respite break.

guitars4you said:

Talk on here if it helps 

This.

If you would prefer not to vent in public, use Private Messaging.

strumjoughlamps

Bestie was admitted to hospital yesterday lunchtime and given 48 hrs.. pain relief only being administered no resuss etc..

He is currently still with us but out of it, I have come home, I am only 10 mins away and have said that if the family need me there for support I’m there but I don’t need to be there at the end.. That probably reads really poor on my part but this morning we were both looking at each other and all of a sudden a wave of calm and acceptance came over me and a nod from him, it was quite sweet.

4 of his Sons will be there now and his partner spoke to us all earlier asking if it would be okay for just the Sons be with him for a while which we all said of course to so it’s going to be a lot of in and out moving around more noise etc.. so for me personally I am quite happy to leave it at that unless as I say they need me there for support.

Funkfingers

strumjoughlamps said:

That probably reads really poor on my part …

Nonsense.

strumjoughlamps said:

… this morning, we were both looking at each other and, all of a sudden, a wave of calm and acceptance came over me and a nod from him, it was quite sweet.

That's what friends are for. Hold onto that memory.

strumjoughlamps

Friday 14th 23:22 I watched my bestie pass away.. there was a lot of calm in the room. I think because it was nearly a week after the time we were given it’s really helped us ‘handle’ it.

I spent 7 hrs with him on Thursday and it really was a great day friends and family popping in and visiting, chatting and he had a couple of hours where he was with us nodding his head when we asked him if he wanted an ice pole and widening his eyes when we cracked a joke.

sweepy

Stage 4 is indeed shit, Wife has it, Stage 4 Renal Clear Cell Carcinoma, lost Mum to it as well as on old Mountain Biking mate, sadly far more prevalent than it used to be. All you can do is find a place and a situation that works for you and keep a good circle of ppl to talk to

octatonic

strumjoughlamps said:

Friday 14th 23:22 I watched my bestie pass away.. there was a lot of calm in the room. I think because it was nearly a week after the time we were given it’s really helped us ‘handle’ it.

I spent 7 hrs with him on Thursday and it really was a great day friends and family popping in and visiting, chatting and he had a couple of hours where he was with us nodding his head when we asked him if he wanted an ice pole and widening his eyes when we cracked a joke.

Sorry for your loss, mate.

Shrews

Yes, sorry for your loss @strumjoughlamps. Hearing is the last sense to leave us apparently, so his eye movement may well have been a response to those jokes!

Laughing inside right at the end. If we are all doing that when our time comes then that's ok with me. 

guitars4you

strumjoughlamps said:

Friday 14th 23:22 I watched my bestie pass away.. there was a lot of calm in the room. I think because it was nearly a week after the time we were given it’s really helped us ‘handle’ it.

I spent 7 hrs with him on Thursday and it really was a great day friends and family popping in and visiting, chatting and he had a couple of hours where he was with us nodding his head when we asked him if he wanted an ice pole and widening his eyes when we cracked a joke.

Sad news indeed - Skies might be gray, overcast and horrible now - But in due course the sun will shine and you'll look back at so many great memories together - The fact that you could make him smile at the end will mean a lot to him, I'm sure - Speak with friends and family and treasure those moments - Chat on here if it helps

Best wishes to you and all his friends/family 

strumjoughlamps

Thanks guys, time to look after the living now and remember the good times and also the bad times where it was good to have a friend to help..

one of my fave recorded memories, 1992 Scum Pups on stage at a music festival. and yes I am the large portion on the left

stylesforfree

I am shedding some tears right now. God bless the dead, may he rest his head. Eternal peace resting. I am sorry that you had to experience the pain, the loss. Just live your best life for him now, cherish those memories. It's so very hard.