Children terrify me

Sambostar

I donno, I left work tonight, soaked through and knackered and a guy arrived home from an equally physically demanding job, just as I was leaving.  His greeting was three boys, jumping up and down on him and shouting at him and the wife had had them in all day, so time or no sympathy from her either.  I don't know if I could take that.  26 hours a day of doing your head in.  I would probably have to adopt them out or leave them in a drain somewhere.  No wonder so many blokes get depression.

I imagine the trick to it is NOT thinking about it too much and going with the flow and letting yourself and them evolve.  I mean it's not like you think about breathing in and out all the time is it and it's a similar sort of thing?

Also better make damn sure you know that women through and through and really want to be with her through thick and thin.

imalone

Children should terrify you, do you know how many teeth they have?

(Edit, while it's sad this is a child's skull, it's from the Hunterian museum and dates from at least the 19th C when it was part of John Tome's collection.)

Stevepage

I've been married for 2 years and been with her for 8. At the moment I'm happy with it being us two. We bounce off each other and get to do things that would be much more difficult with kids.

She would have kids right now if I said yes however, I'm terrified. I've never wanted to grow up and be an adult but now I'm 28 with a full time job, mortgage, car payments etc etc. So for me to think of having kids right now is difficult but I know I want one eventually, I'm thinking of maybe trying this time next year after we move into a proper house instead of a tiny fucking flat with neighbours who love to slam doors, stomp and can't park a car for shit.

Seeing my friends new kids makes me laugh as they're great little characters and you can see the love the parents have for them. So I think I'd want that, it would be a great adventure.

Adam_MD

Alnico;427440" said:

@Adam_MDHave you both considered becoming Foster Parents for a couple of years?It is not only providing a vital service to the children who are already born and living lives that they didn't ask for but nevertheless got and giving them some love in an otherwise bleak existence, but also would give you both some 1st hand experience of what it's like to hold someone's life in your actual hands, whatever age that child may be.To put it another way, you can't really go wrong by doing this and you can only ever do some good for someone who WILL need it and at the same time you both get to see exactly what you're letting yourself in for.

I personally admire you for taking on this decision and especially for your determination to not split up but instead of making it an issue between you, you could both hold each other hands (metaphorically) and explore this.

With respect, i hope this helps.

Believe it or not I've actually considered this. A friend of mine legally adopted 2 girls they were fostering a few years ago. They're very happy.

Wolfetone

joeyowen said:

Just to add, a married couple who are friends of ours, the Dad did not want kids at all.  He just wasn't fussed, he was happy as they were.

The wife, ' accidently' got pregnant shall we say, and he is now one of the happiest guys you know! He thinks the world of his boy!

I've been a dad for 4 months, and it has been an amazing journey so far.  Yes it can be hard, and yes you can be skint at first.. but don't listen to all the fuckers who spend their time saying, no sleep, no friends, no money etc... they clearly just do shit wrong my friend!

I agree with this 100%. My (now) 10 year old was a complete shock and I initially didn't want anything to do with her. Right now, she is the biggest blessing I have ever had in my life.

She is clever, intelligent and funny...a gift.

You just don't know what's inside you until you're presented with the situation. I don't think you have experienced 'life' until you've become a dad.

Axe_meister

Whilst Fostering may sound good, it would be nothing like having your own as in the back of your mind you will always be thinking you can give them back in a year or two.

The whole experience of getting pregnant going through the ups and downs of the pregnancy all build up to the birth.

Yes its hard work, but worth it. 

You'll finally have an excuse to do all those childish things you don't do at the moment. You'll have a little mate you looks up to you.

For me after a knackering day having the kids jump on me is a nice stress relief.

It is a hard one. My wifes previous husband did not want kids, she did. She fell pregnant whilst still on the pill, he then insisted on an abortion. Thank god she did not go through with it. So I now have a 16 year old step daughter.

axisus

I'll say this, I've known a few women over the years who either never met the right guy or couldn't have kids, and it is a heavy burden to bear if you wanted them. For me that was a thing that we thrashed out very early in the relationship, we both wanted 4 kids ideally, and that is what we have! I have to say that kids are great, I loved the early years up to 10 or so. From then on it is still great but you get all sorts of stresses as they get older. And for me a downside is that it has changed my relationship with mrs A for the worse.

richardhomer

Wolfetone;427635" said:

You just don't know what's inside you until you're presented with the situation. I don't think you have experienced 'life' until you've become a dad.

I think you can experience life without being a dad - but I think the part of life where you become one fundamentally changes you.

Every decision I make is against the back-drop of what impact it may have on my son. I invariably put his needs before mine - but taking that responsibility feels like being an adult.

I loved my blokey entended childhood but wouldn't swap back to it now.

Flink_Poyd

Flip a coin, if you don't get the answer you want go best out of 3.

I always knew I wanted/would end up with kids since I was 18. My wife got pregnant when I was 30 and although I wanted kids I had the same feelings, like it how it is, party every night etc etc, I was still petrified.
Would I go back to the old days? Part of me likes the idea but the other 95% says "who's going to take the rubbish out and clean the car?"

Drew_TNBD

To be honest, it really fucks me off how parents tend to describe non-parents as somehow childish or lacking in some way.

You're all being rather egotistical about the fact that your bodies are capable of performing a series of chemical reactions.

How to put this... well... I find it pretty despicable that anyone can be dragged into becoming a parent, and YES.. people DO think like this, particularly when it comes to men and husbands.

My mum told me once that if it weren't for me and my sisters, my mum and dad would've split up ages ago. Two people locked in a cycle of abuse and lovelessness. Gee... thanks kids.

Fuck that.

What you guys call "childishness" I call freedom, and more importantly... choice. I *do* want kids. But not yet, and I wont be forced into it. I'd rather have a spite-vasectomy.

I too have been up front since I met my wife that I didn't want kids. Yes, times change... and now I am slowly coming around to it. But this marriage started on the assumption that she wanted them and I didn't. What a fucking stupid position to put ourselves in... because *someone* is going to felt hard done by here. *sigh*

It's weird... I do kind of want to see what a half Jap half English kid from our loins is going to look like. But I sorta don't care what kind of person they are. Is that sociopathic? I dunno.

Unless they turn out to be Ted Bundy or Elizabeth Bathory... I'd be kinda angry at my junk for that one.

I just turned 30, the wife is 29. We just took on a pretty big loan for the next 5 years, so I said I don't want to have kids until that is paid off, because we really really really cannot afford it. She agreed... but isn't on any suitable birth control.

What bothers me about this is the standard fucking idiotic aphorisms that people churn out - ahhh best thing I've ever done, less grief in the long run, you don't know what you're missing, it's her body her choice, you're never ready but just do it, it's worth losing all of that free-time and independence COZ FEELINGS... blah blah blah blah... there is so much pressure put on people and it's really fucking unfair.

I love my wife. I don't necessarily need a fuck trophy to prove it.

Sorry OP... I know this probably isn't helping!!

Philly_Q

I'd like to have had kids, it's a great regret of my life that it's never going to happen now.

That said, the older I get the more terrifying the thought of parenting seems.  But if it had happened, I'd like to think I would've coped.

monquixote

I agree it's pretty patronising if people suggest you aren't in some way a complete person if you don't have kids.

It is however true to say it does completely change you in ways I think it's hard to explain, or comprehend unless you've done it (I have read it permanently alters your brain chemistry). That's not to say everyone should. I can imagine having kids you really don't want would be horrific.

Personally the fostering thing wouldn't appeal to me at all. I have zero interest in kids that aren't biologically mine.

Two things I think of note. 

When people think about kids they tend to think of babies shitting and needing feeding every 2 hours, but they only stay like that for a few months and then it's much less intense. My eldest isn't even 2 and she feeds herself the same food as we eat, walks, talks etc. 

The other thing is that before you have them you see the work they take, but not through the lens of you being completely in love with them. It's still hard work, but made much easier by the fact that spending time with them is a pleasure.

holnrew

When you do fostering, you have to deal with the parenting mistakes of others.

menamestom

I wouldn't be without my kids. Literally as I've been up since 5am with my 5 year old lad taking up all my space and snoring in my face. He often appears in the middle of the night with his friend Jimmy. Incidentally, if you do have kids and anybody ever gets them 'build a bear' token at for a present do not let them put a scent in it. Jimmy has an artificial strawberry smell that knocks me sick when I catch a whiff in the middle of the night.

VimFuego

no kids here, neither of us wanted them. Had a brief pang of regret when the cancer took mrs f's lady parts (and had several sleepless nights when the fuckwit GP said the tumour was a baby) but she never did, and mine didn't last long. I have no problem with kids, and love my nieces and nephews to bits, but I've never liked the idea of being responsible for something else, dunno if some will call that childish or not, don't really care either.

chillidoggy

Another point I'd make is that we change as we go through life. For instance, when I was younger I hated sprouts. Now they're my favourite vegetable. I used to detest jazz, but......no wait, that's a bad example. I used to like Bigsbys, but these days I can take them or leave them.

I never thought I'd ever get married (or rather I never thought anyone would want to marry me). And yet 34 year ago someone proved me wrong, and probably saved my life from the destruction derby I was on at the time. I never wanted to be a father. Now I am one, I wonder why I didn't do it sooner.

We might be born to procreate, but I also think that some people are simply not cut out to have kids, just the same as some people aren't made to be with the opposite sex. But there's the irony for those who are childless: They'll never know whether it was a good thing, or not, will they?

Those of us who have kids like to grump, moan and whinge about them, but which of us would want to turn the clock back and not have them? Not I, that's for sure, it would kill me. Granted, I would have been better off financially, but at least now I know my life has meant something, rather than it just being wasted.

So, to the OP, I'm not up for telling you what you should, or shouldn't do, this is merely my take on my own situation, and good luck with whatever you decide.

thomasross20

I'm in a relationship with an older woman who has her own kids (all grown up) and wonder if I want any of my own. Always said I never and life is so easy right now - I have no real desire but wonder if it's something I'd miss out on. It always makes me think "yeah right" when people say it was the best thing ever - is it because it's "done" now and you can't really say otherwise? No offence - you know what I'm saying! 

thomasross20

I think you need to do it younger rather than older (so you're less knackered). There are no guarantees - could grow up being selfish and not being in touch. So if you want them to take care of you in old age...! As they grow up they'll leave the nest and it's back to being on your own so I think you have to be happy in and of yourself. Some kids are easy, my little 4 year old sister is REALLY hard work. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was go to uni - it's afforded me so me opportunities - travelling the world, I can move into so many industries and live in so many places (I almost moved to work for Apple in California recently) - I just bought guitar gear worth £7k and could do that nearly 10 times over again if I wanted - I want to be the "big dog". With kids, there's an unconditional love as they see you all the time and cuddle you regardless - this, and seeing them grow is likely the satisfying part? I think about it and I can only handle them for small periods of time, I've just so much I want to do. Girlfriend had a pregnancy scare with me years ago and it was a SCARE, let me tell you. Can't have kids now and don't know if I'm bothered. The only thing is KNOWING that if we get married I'd already have a ready-made family and would never "create" my own, as such, seeing friends with their own kids etc. I've SO much more freedom and money and to be honest, I'm ok with that! Off to Rome in March and then possibly Hollywood and Barbados so I'm just going to live it up instead. If things go to plan, we will either travel the world with my job or be mortgage free by the time I'm 35 (technically could be mortgage free now at age 30 though still think prices are too high and unwilling to buy into an insane market!).

thomasross20

I also wouldn't have them "just because" she wants them and you don't. People say it happens and then everything changes, their world turns from grey to colour. But what if it doesn't? You can't just CHANCE that!! I think that's the worst thing that can happen - you have to be sure, surely? 

Friend of mine got a girl pregnant 6 weeks after dating her - it's due in May. He's always wanted a family after seeing his brother with the house, wife and kids... but the reality just hit him - he's got little career prospects, he's not in a good place right now as it is, they live miles apart... I really hope it works out for him, but he's very stressed right now as the realities of life have hit.

I love my parents but we rarely do family things, it's just the way we are. It's nice to see a handsome man, beautiful wife, house and kids but it doesn't always work like that. And yeah, better make sure you know her inside out. Most divorcees I know (actually, all!) have had kids - it must put a strain on marriage - and paying mug maintenance payments for a decade or more must be awful. 

Anyway! Sorry for being grim there! Maybe I'm not cut out for it ;D

thomasross20

axisus said:

I'll say this, I've known a few women over the years who either never met the right guy or couldn't have kids, and it is a heavy burden to bear if you wanted them. For me that was a thing that we thrashed out very early in the relationship, we both wanted 4 kids ideally, and that is what we have! I have to say that kids are great, I loved the early years up to 10 or so. From then on it is still great but you get all sorts of stresses as they get older. And for me a downside is that it has changed my relationship with mrs A for the worse.

Obviously you don't have to say, but can you expand on that? Like I say... no issue if not! It's a topic that interests me.