any good.poem forums/website ! and one of my poems here for your opinions..

marktheharp

Just started writing poems and am wondering if there is any good forums/sites etc.?
simillar to our Fretboard forum.....
I have found a few on net... but hoping somebody has any advice or any publishing friends?

marktheharp

World War One Poem.............
my 1st ever poem,have written about 8 now,in the past 6 weeks,can't stop !

Please Bring Them Home

They Said “Sign up, the country needs you”
Was it a lie, phoney and see-through.
They promised the world, the time of your life
All we got was the mud, and the rats in the night.
“Off to the war”, they cried, they sang
While them upstairs, just don’t give a damn,
Mother, child, sat and prayed
Oh how they wished they could of stayed,
The days grew long, the children listless
“ TALLY HO, BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS”,
Kaiser Bill, he’s blood he’s kin
As the bullet rips, it tears the skin,
The friends I’ve lost, the mate’s I miss
For you my love I’d steal a kiss,
Was it worth a life, for the hair in your locket
For the piece of tin, above your pocket,
You sent our boys off to task
If there is a god, then all I ask
As I kneel before you in this dome
“END THE WAR, PLEASE BRING THEM HOME”.

By Mark Hudson

Iamnobody

Whoops read that as porn websites...

Still as I'm here now - good stuff!

Keep going it's a skill not many people have.

PolarityMan

I'm totally not a poet so feel free to ignore me but I think a little editing would improve it.

How about changing the order a bit? "They said" isn't as strong an opener as the line a little further down starting "Off to war..." and the order of that part isn't really critical to the meaning.

There's a few bits where you've forced rhythm or rhyme structures like "oh how they wished.." the rhyme of dome and home stood out particularly. 

"Could *of* stayed" should be "Could *have* stayed".

I get that it's supposed to be read louder but I don;t really like the caps, it doesn't scan well when not reading aloud.

marktheharp

err thanks polarityman ....will ignore most of above will correct 'could of'...to
' could have' ...
can't please everyone :-S

fatherjack

You might consider other rhyming structures, or even abandoning rhyme altogether.

This is Dulce Et Decorum Est by Wilfred Owen.  Although it has a rhyming structure, I didn't really notice it the first time I read it because for me the quality of the imagery transcends the structure.  To use a guitar metaphor, you get lost in the music and find you're not paying attention to the technique:

Damn, bloody iPad won't paste the damn thing. Look it up, you'll see what I mean.

marktheharp

thanks for all your input :-)
all points noted ....
I know the wilfred Owen poem
I have ordered various books of famous poets/writers etc.
Sassoon,Owen,Edgar Allen Poe etc.

marktheharp

New poem ......

"WHAT IS PRECIOUS "

what waits for no man,but is always sought ?
what is precious ,but can't always be bought ?
"TIME " doesn't reason,time doesn't rhyme ,
Time just listens and kicks you down the line.
We are times slave, in sickness and in health ,
so show your hand, the cards have been dealt.

marktheharp

edit

marktheharp

edit

PolarityMan

I think out of those Precious is my favourite. The imagery in some of them is a bit cliched and the style of phrase is very similar across all the poems, it comes across as lacking sophistication. Maybe you would benefit from trying something a bit different and stretching your literary muscles a bit.

marktheharp

found something you liked ! ha
how very rude and ignorant,you know nothing about me and state they lack sophistication and are cliched ,maybe !
but I suppose I probably asked for it bearing my soul and putting my poems out there :x
but forgive me if I don't reply anymore ,as have to spend my time stretching my literary muscles
Thankyou and good day to you 'SIR'.......

randomhandclaps

marktheharp said:

how very rude and ignorant,you know nothing about me

A bit confused at how you thought knowing about you would better qualify @PolarityMan to comment.   He made no comment about you personally, he commented on the poems and as far as I can see the poems on the whole are not actually about you.  Again it's not a case of bearing your soul as they are about subjects, not yourself. 

Like any artist if you are happy with them and have confidence in them why worry about other opinions (especially if you find negative responses difficult)?  @PolarityMan has posted multiple links to his music on here before, go take a listen and leave some feedback and see if it budges him from his path.  The toughest part of any art is sticking by what you believe or want to achieve.

In his first post about your '1st ever poem' @PolarityMan never said anything that I would see as rude or non-constructive (from his point of view obviously), but even then I imagine the feedback he gave you was better that most people would get for their 1st poem.  I doubt even Wordsworth received a standing ovation for his first musing, so no need to get downhearted.

marktheharp

lost in translation ....
Points noted
hope we're all still Friends

fatherjack

Your thread title says 'one of my poems for your opinions'.

I think that people have been pretty constructive so far.

Grammar, spelling etc. are important to get right, as (unless you're going for a specific effect) errors can be jarring and take the reader out of 'the moment'.  Just as with guitar, there are some basic techniques you'll need to get right.

PolarityMan

marktheharp said:

found something you liked ! ha
how very rude and ignorant,you know nothing about me and state they lack sophistication and are cliched ,maybe !
but I suppose I probably asked for it bearing my soul and putting my poems out there :x
but forgive me if I don't reply anymore ,as have to spend my time stretching my literary muscles
Thankyou and good day to you 'SIR'.......

Actually in retrospect looking at the thread title "any good.poem forums/website ! and one of my poems here for your opinions.." I was probably just troll feeding posting any feedback at all.

Gagaryn

A haiku to this thread -

Any proof needed,

that this is a guitar site

is in your poems. :-)

Hootsmon

lamf68

I feel a compulsion to share this, I wrote it back in june 1999, I was in a severely dark place at the time, all Manicsy and Angst ridden. It actually won a poetry competition judged by Nicky Wires Brother Patrick Jones...hey ho!

I'll type it exactly as it was written back then even though I'd change some of the punctuation and wording now!! anyway here it is:

TENSITY

Your sten-gun smirk your Christianised breath

your gore your happiness,

your fuck-head posture,

your reflective assumption,

your willowy framed beauty, sputter suits.

Thorns surround your every whisper,

I am magnetised, stuck fast in a non-schism,

I will write, I will try, I will.

I am screaming inside but even I'm not listening.

A dictionary at hand, dumbness suits my tongue.

I don't have to get up, rooted to the spot like a theist

synthetic even.

feeling uglier than before voice restricted numb and dry,

no words released from my once honey-slick throat,

I will try later when I have something of consequence to say.

Is this my peak? a wry smile breaks.

voices challenge me, I have no answers (none to share)

I feign sleep so they will leave me lie,

my cheeks ache, I did not ask for this euphoria.

Did I find it amusing? not enough to smile.

I can feel an umbilical (biblical) fear

heat radiating from a thumping hearts panic,

fall crying in a shambolic semi-coma.

in a year maybe less my sallow face will be forgotten,

apart from a fleeting gesture, a conversation reference,

a comparison masterpiece.

when I make my entrance your agony apparent -a parent - impassive

seeking only apathetic feelings(fuck you),

do not judge my silence still in the morning sun

shards of skull bedspread spattered

stained in the evenings shade.

forced to judge? forced hand? forced act?

apply minimal pressure, think slowly, hard,remember.

Find a reason to smile.

disabled all discipline

marcescent in the sunlight but not sad,

I crack your spine with passionate malevolence

the truth trickles from your poisoned pores/head/lips.

you are like a pathos, a soviet incarnate, vile,

befriend me before I die. Could this be my offspring?

could this be my skin of kind?

I want for a savage mutilation raped as my virgin eyes close.

Lips weld together at 300 degrees,

fight but not too hard.

try and block out the sun

sit in a dark room with dead air for pleasure this excellent unreal funeral.

amnesia causes gauges on your skin,

a grandeur so brave.

forfeit intellect for looks(cigarette coolness)

your laughable suicide jealousy.

to homophobic empty executioner

the floral scent helps you ejaculate.

Find a reason to smile...Nothing.

marktheharp

heavy shit.man !
glad your in a better place :-)
thanks for sharing......