Self-diagnosis? An update on me....

Niallmo

Thought I'd do a bit of an update as I seen to have a willingness to communicate with something or someone at the moment! Your collective kindness and knowledge in the past was invaluable!

Looking at my situation (just moved house, seven week old baby, job uncertainty, partner with similar issues) in a different way.

I am able to function pretty well on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis. I want to plan and control things and see a way forward. I believe I have enough skills and experience to cope with most situations at home and at work (I've probably done some of my best coaching and facilitating over the past few weeks). I'm not at a point (and have never been) where harming myself or anyone else enters my thoughts. I'm not in a state of mental paralysis (would indicate that I'm coping as on one or two occasions over the years I have been).

Yet I do know that fairly often things are just too much, quite overwhelming and my brain wants to shut down by sleeping. I get very heavy eyelids and they just want to close and clearly my brain has had enough. It doesn't occur in high stress moments, more so when I'm relatively calm and relaxed. It can seem very rude, I've experienced it in social situations more than once and it occurs at home.

I don't think I'm in a classic low mood/depressive/anxious situation as I seem (and have been told by professionals) to understand my situation fairly well and get on with things without many overt coping strategies but at a cost of very significant mental energy and well being. This is what I could consider debilitating. I have to withdraw into myself to get through. I shut down communication and feeling to try and recoup/save that energy and go to a basic state of being. This, this basic state, seems to be where I am at my lows.

I can counter this in a few ways, most of which are time bound. I love cycling, playing guitar, reading, listening to music but my wife sees these as selfish and of no real use in the family situation. I have tried to tell her that I need these things to exist as me and bleed off stress, to be well and perform at a higher level but I don't get the impression she has really thought about it too much. One of the classic things is that it's very hard to communicate these feelings in what is a highly stressful circumstance for me of having this conversation with her.

On her part I think she does need some professional support. I don't know enough to work out her best way of moving forward and in a selfish sense I feel that is holding us back much more than my personal situation as I'm trying to deal with it. (I'm sure that it's exceptionally difficult for her with the two babies to look after all day) and communication is a two way thing.

I think my outlook on life is positive and I can enjoy it and my sons (particularly my two year old) are an absolute joy (at times ) but it's feels so incredibly difficult to find much joy or an "easy day" to balance the daily grinding effort of being and doing.

I may self-refer again. I certainly need to find some more overt coping strategies and use my "will" to put in place mindfulness (I know the theories, I just don't do it) and I certainly need to build my set of life rules and non-negotiables then get them written down. These are things I was asked to do and learned about last year when I saw my psychologist but never did the "homework" on.

Overall it seems I function well but I know I could be better at almost every aspect of what I can do, (maybe this is a big part of it through perfectionist thoughts and very high expectations of myself and my peers) but I need some support and encouragement to really work on things and create momentum. Insight is always welcome!

WezV

I have been feeling similar recently with a 4 year and 5 week old. The baby is enough without all the other life changes!!

Our week got worse because the 4-year old got chicken pox. It essentially means my wife will be housebound for nearly 2 weeks, possibly doubled if the new baby gets it too.

We have both been pretty horrible to each other this week, but it is getting better at the moment... Day by day at the moment, but I don't think I will be getting any workshop time for a little while longer.

I married an intelligent woman. The second child has taken the last of that away. To the point she is being daft and pissing herself off.

She ordered a new chair last week and arranged delivery for Saturday(today). Then she remembered we had arranged to go to a theme park with some mates so cancelled the delivery. Then she remembered our eldest was ill and we couldn't go anyway so rearranged delivery for Saturday. she ordered a new bed and again they offered her Saturday delivery, but she turned it down as she remembered we had something organised, which is only the other delivery at this point. feckin baby brain

Niallmo

The "baby brain" element is a massive issue (I'm guessing for most people) but is somewhat understated by everyone. For my wife It's tiredness, a bit of depression and the sheer grind of the newborn eat/sleep/poop/repeat cycle. It also means she can't think through how she is feeling and start to address any problems.

While we are not really horrible to each other we clearly seek advantage in times of feeds, amount of "work" being done in the new house etc and that is horrible in itself. The media like to portray it in its happiest sense but the two times I've been least happy are the first few weeks after the births when it's basically sleep deprivation, lack of food and exercise and not a shred of "time off" from anything.

Fathers should be given the same maternity/paternity rights as mothers.

axisus

It can be difficult with the pressures of babies in the house. I had a period when kid no 4 was young that I really felt I'd had enough of marriage. I felt very negative about our relationship. Time passes, things move on and 11 years later things have never been better. 

chillidoggy

I must confess to being depressed when the wife announced she was preggers, thus heralding the end of the hedonistic lifestyle. I soon recovered though, and went on to believe it was the best thing we ever did.

WezV

I was talking to someone the other day about the concept of male post natal depression.

I think its a very real thing, but I think I would get laughed at for that in most situations. I have never felt so powerless to control my life, or un motivated to do anything. But I am getting through it okay and seeing some light.

DiscoStu

I've been zoning out recently too- the heavy eyelids, problems concentrating/focusing, the desire to curl up in a ball and sleep. I had to pull over in the car last week as I felt myself drifting.

I have an underactive thyroid and take medication to regulate it. I struggle to find the energy or enthusiasm to do things some days. I have had my troubles with depression in recent years and that hasn't been helped by my bouts of energy loss either.

I just wondered Niallmo, have you every had your thyroid checked?

BahHumbug

I have suffered with stress, depression and anxiety in the past, but I've never done the baby thing. However with such a young baby and having just moved house I'm not surprised that you are tired, sleepy and stressed. That stuff is heavy going. It sounds to me that you are coping well but perhaps expecting a bit much. No one is superhuman, so be kind to yourself, and to your wife. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

PolarityMan

I've got a 4 month old and can definitely identify with how your feeling, especially around the feeling of a constant grind. About 3 weeks ago it got pretty bad and I was feeling pretty physically broken, to the point where I got up one morning and physically couldn't face going to work and ended up taking a days holiday at short notice, which is something I haven't ever done in the past. Anyway that lead to a bit of a fight and since then we're trying to be a bit more mindful of when each other is getting close to the point where things are getting too much. So for example the wife has just gone back to bed this morning and I have had a couple of uninterrupted nights last week. The other thing we implanted from about 8 weeks was a night off each. For me that's band practice night and for the wife it's spa and gym. It's still hard obviously but it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did 3 weeks ago. There's a few of us with new arrivals on here so theres always an audience for dadsnet style posts , I think women often have a well developed support network whereas men just struggle on until we break.

Niallmo

Some great points in there...

@DiscoStu nope, I do have a health check to go to with my GP at some point as I get one free cos I'm 40! Will mention it...

Knowing I've had a few bad days in the past which have involved taking the odd day off work I think I'm more aware of the situation and haven't needed to do that recently but performance has probably suffered (there are issues in work contributing to the stress, poor line manager, company in chaos due to recent forced upon changes to its raison d'etre of the past) yet I'm still very confident that I'm doing some good work.

I know it's a slog and there will be a lessening of the grind over the next few months and that is a light towards the end of a tunnel but it's still difficult now lol

Male PND? Yup, I'd think that's a thing that affects way more than ever say. Mine is cummulative stress coupled with a longer term depression issue. I know I've just had two very big stress events and hadn't had much of a chance to reduce stress levels before that.  

We are perhaps a couple of weeks away from being able to re-set the routine and find some downtime for each other but my overriding worry on that is my wife not really having any specific interests. She has already got a night out scheduled but for me, she needs to re-connect with her Buddhism which she's never really done in the eight or so years we've been in Yorkshire. She was very active in Liverpool when we lived there. More so because there were meetings just around the corner. Here she'd need to drive. That is the single biggest thing she could do to help herself and me out; learn to drive. She's had lessons, is relatively good and can be quite confident but has put it off for many years.

I think it still annoys me that I used to do 90 miles a day for two years taking her to work before going to my own work. It lingers at the back of my mind every so often and the current situation restricts my own movements work wise as I still take her to work but at least now it's just about on my way to mine.

strumjoughlamps

I went through a stage for probably 6 months where one minute I would be fine nothing wrong at all then I would snap, not super aggressive or anything.. the wife might ask if I want a cuppa and the response would be rude and a bit shouty 'does it look like I want a cup of tea'.. then I would drop off for 10-30 mins, wake up and be fine..  it was very strange and unexplained.

Niallmo

It was a bit like that for me. I remember being at the in-laws, having quite an interesting conversation and feeling my eyelids go, pretty much falling asleep/unconscious within a minute or so. Barely any warning, just total shut down. That was probably the most severe, it happens quite a lot but I can usually cope.

holnrew

This is why I don't think I should have kids. I struggle as it is.

Referring yourself to therapy is the right thing to do. Better before things get worse too.

WezV

holnrew;1115304" said:

This is why I don't think I should have kids. I struggle as it is.

.

Its not all bad, they do bring a hell of a lot if joy too.... But the first 8-9 months can be pretty slow. They just don't do much

Chalky

WezV;1115318" said:

[quote="holnrew;1115304"]This is why I don't think I should have kids. I struggle as it is.

.

Its not all bad, they do bring a hell of a lot if joy too.... But the first 8-9 months can be pretty slow. They just don't do much
[/quote]

@holnrew - The key is your personal attitude to parenting. To me its like going to the loo - I do it without thinking, I don't analyse whether I want to do it or whether I'm enjoying it or whether its onerous or boring or a nuisance, and I always just get on with it when it needs doing. That attitude makes a huge difference to me as a parent and to my relationship with my kids. I don't change nappies for my kids benefit, I change nappies because it needs doing - end of.

And I'm triple your age with twins still in nappies - so I speak from experience

holnrew

You're 90?

Props.

menamestom

I think existing is all most people do for the first few months. Just don't analise it too much or be hard on yourself. Being that your kids are close in age it means you'll have done much of the hard work in one go. Re the things that make you feel good, cycling, guitar etc. Those are important but don't forget that your wife will be even more restricted. Try and see if there's anything she wants to do first and be as willing to give even more to give her a break. In the long run you'll benefit and she may see the importance if you having your time. But I must stress this:- It doesn't last very long, this part of life, don't fret and your life will soon return.

Chalky

holnrew;1115375" said:

You're 90?

Props.

Damn, thought you were 20

Iamnobody

It's hard work. We have a 4 year old and a 12 month baby.

My wife does the lion's share of the day to day stuff - feeding, bathing nappy changing etc.

However she has returned to work 4 days a week now and I'm having to muck in a bit more. I'm up at 6am or earlier, walk the dog at 7, get one in nursery and the other to school before setting off for work (45 min commute). It sometimes feels like I've done a half day shift before I get to my desk!

We have no family members to help and haven't had a night out just the two of us together in nearly five years. It's a sacrifice we wanted to make though and we love family life. Weekends we are all together and I assume my dad's taxi role for the eldest - today was ballet & swimming later and karate tomorrow.

It does get easier but there are definite stages where you feel progress has been made and then next minute you think you are going backwards.

We argue a lot and there is strain in the relationship - no question. We generally pull together in the end and get through.

I spend a lot of time on his forum - I think chatting shit about guitars, white goods, man bags etc just helps. I only get out a couple of nights a week so enjoy the interaction on here. Although if I couldn't use my phone I doubt I'd be on here very often, getting the laptop out is a mission these days.

Blaendulais

WezV said:

I was talking to someone the other day about the concept of male post natal depression.

I think its a very real thing, but I think I would get laughed at for that in most situations. I have never felt so powerless to control my life, or un motivated to do anything. But I am getting through it okay and seeing some light.

Most definitely a real thing had a colleague medic suffer from it.  Nobody laughed as the guy was scarily ill.  Still treatment sorted him. Good luck