Devastating News

thomasross20

Thanks, Tony. A few folk have asked me round for Christmas as the girls are at their dad's (who invited me, but her son will be there and that's not happening) but I think I'll sit in on my own, and I want to. The pain and remembering - it's me "feeling her" (!!). She got us a husband and wife's first Christmas card I look forward to opening. 

Just writing some words for the interment of the ashes next week! 

@TheOtherDennis just saw your reply - Marie Curie should be able to help me with that. 
Honestly right... I have > 300GB worth of photos and videos. Really, really good stuff. 

TTony

thomasross20 said:

A few folk have asked me round for Christmas as the girls are at their dad's (who invited me, but her son will be there and that's not happening) but I think I'll sit in on my own, and I want to. 

Christmas is ages off yet.  I've no idea how you'll be feeling by then, but I'll bet you'll be feeling a bit differently to now.

So, keep those invitations open and make your decision closer to the day.


But we'll all be here on the forum, so you'll not be alone whatever you choose!

richardhomer

I may be speaking out of turn here Thomas - but it almost comes across as though you think you ‘shouldn’t’ enjoy Christmas. The fact is, it’s going to be unbelievably tough, whether you’re on your own or not.

I can well understand you may want some space - but spending at least a few hours with people who care about you is probably a good idea. There's a natural inclination to hide away from social interactions after a trauma - but it can be very isolating.

I think @TTony’s spot on - at least keep your options open at this stage.

mgaw

as above, be very easy to become isolated Thomas...online is good but it aint the same as real life company.  I would suggest that even if you arent in the mood it wont hurt to socialise at all. Not sure your lovely wife would want you sitting on your own on christmas day. 

Bridgehouse

I think @mgaw is right, mate - I don't think Sheena would want you sitting at home on your own on Christmas Day.

Even if you just arrange a few hours meet up and a beer or two, or just go out for a meal with some people - it will get you focused on something else for a little while. 

Chriatmas day and Boxing Day can feel like long days - specially on your own. 

We will all of course be on here - but it really isn't the same!

thomasross20

You are all correct, of course, I know.. and Sheena wouldn't want me to be miserable. I'll check my offers nearer the time

Evilmags

Tom, after so many years she is now a big part of the man you have become. She put a large chunk of her life into making you who you are, and emcoraging and helping you to become a great guitar player and engineer. 

thomasross20

That's a nice thing to say, thanks! 
Hopefully the fire will re-ignite after so long doing those things

Alnico

thomasross20 said:

That's a nice thing to say, thanks! 
Hopefully the fire will re-ignite after so long doing those things

It will.

Trust us.

VimFuego

IME grieving is a process, it's a slow, evolutionary thing. You won't suddenly wake up one day and feel better, nor do you get over it. IME you slowly come to terms with it, you slowly come to accept the new normal, so how you feel today isn't how you will feel in 1 days time, or 10 or 10 years. You've had 10 of getting used to that person being in your life, it takes time to become used to them no longer being there. 
That is why it is important not to judge yourself on how you feel today, as today is the last day you will feel like that (not that I'm saying you will feel better tomorrow, but you will slowly feel better). My dad's been gone 10 years now, I'm still not over it, I still miss him. I guess I will take that to my grave.

thomasross20

I understand. I missed her tonight as was at a family gathering and the chat was about animals for 3 hours. I was traumatised lol.. and missed Sheena's company in that situation. 

She gave her friend a second (!) build a Bear she did for me!! This one has green eyes like she had, and has two voice messages. It's really nice.

Clarky

matey... she will always be a part of you..
you'll always have a warm feeling within for her..
right now everything will seem impossible because the pain is at its most fresh..
it will pass though..

you are a man of a great many talents.. you have a great deal going for you and a great deal to offer..
find yourself a new mission in life and absolutely throw yourself at it as soon as you are able to..

thomasross20

Hmm.

We (everybody except her son) had the interment. I put her casket in the ground and said some words. We then went to a place she liked where I got a round for everybody. It was a sad yet nice day. 

I spoke to @Alnico about the following.. Sheena's ex told her he'd sort out legal guardianship for her autistic step-daughter after she was gone and Sheena trusted him to do this as she had so much on her plate (she also left him a fair bit of money in her will [well, not legally but I've to hand it out as legally it's mine] as a goodwill gesture). I spoke to him tonight and his own belief is that Lisa can lead an independent life and that guardianship is not worth pursuing. It was something him and Sheena disagreed upon. So he'll remain her sole legal guardian and I wont be a substitute guardian at all. This is tricky now because she lives with me most of the time and I'm in control of certain things for her. I also am more aligned to Sheena's view that Lisa needs a lot of help (Sheena and I have taught her to do many things but there's no way she'll be able to earn proper money or live on her own, as such). So I'm walking a fine line trying to keep this arrangement going and raising her well without causing any upset (as I want to and also as my promise to Sheena). Also, though... I leave this entire house to Lisa as a "right of occupancy" in my own will but I don't know if that then falls to her dad because he is legal guardian. 

I just can't believe Sheena was practically on her deathbed and her wishes afterward are now being turned around the opposite way. I feel horrified in the extreme. Lisa was her main concern and it all seems so up in the air now. As I said to @Alnico, I just can't believe this is happening and that I have to deal with it. Sheena was the best and she died of terminal cancer and people have obviously harboured feelings and agendas throughout, only coming to light now (and hopefully there's not more...). I've e-mailed somebody for advice but I feel I can't act on this at all for fear of upset or worse, losing Lisa. I'm not her dad (or guardian), after all. 

If there is a God, he really is sh!tting on me.

Oh, and I decided to go back to work in 2 weeks. 

ToneControl

Sounds like you need to find how best to legally provide for her without accidentally giving the house/cash to her Dad
And separately, how best to handle your role in legal terms without damaging your current working relationship with her Dad. I assume if he died or became unable to provide guardianship, you'd then apply to the court, but that doing it now would cause a lot of ill feeling it it's against his wishes.

I am no expert, but I'd read up on 

Life Interest Trusts

as far as I can see, you can appoint a 3rd party to make the financial decisions on her behalf, if you think that her Dad would not be the best person 

thomasross20

That's all of it in a nutshell @ToneControl .
I'll check the link later, thank you.
And I'll be getting advice, also. 

Honestly... Sheena will be rolling in her grave.

Strat_a_tat_tat

thomasross20 said:

That's all of it in a nutshell @ToneControl .
I'll check the link later, thank you.
And I'll be getting advice, also. 

Honestly... Sheena will be rolling in her grave.

No... I think Sheena would be proud of you... and reassured that you'll do whatever's best to protect her daughter's interests.

thomasross20

Well, I got lots of advice from lots of people. Been to see my solicitor and will change my will a little in future. I'm also seeing a financial advisor. Without revealing anything online I'm going to let things continue as-is for reasons known only to a few, and I'm doing something in the background to help Lisa out for herself. It's really all been go - seriously, it's been almost a month since her passing - next week is my last week off - and it's been busy as ever. 

Friends who said they'd be knocking on my door every day... it never happened. Even when I ask for company. Folk here have been great but physical presence from pals has been below what I would have liked. I spoke to a Marie Curie counsellor today. Basically I've been getting up 4am the last week and not able to get back to sleep because I've been so incredibly angry. At others, not Sheena. Trying to get people to talk about her more. I've put up canvases of her in the house. Found a bonus video she left me last night which was a nice surprise (at nights I go into my Google Drive and watch vids / pics of her / us).

Really, a lot has happened. I could write about ten times as much as I have done here. I'm doing a lot regarding settling the estate and taking care of the girls, bits and bobs around the house etc. Only today I watched a Guns N' Roses video as posted on this forum and it really brought back the passion.. I really love them, and Slash's playing in particular. I actually fired up the PRS and let rip, which was good. I've always said you need something like that in your life... nothing to do with money or anything like that. Something that just fires you up and almost gives you a reason to live. It's still incredibly sad (it always will be, and it's only been 4 weeks) - I'm pretty sure I'll never have a better ten years. 

Lots more to do still but will try to take it a tad easier next week..!

Sporky

thomasross20 said:

Something that just fires you up and almost gives you a reason to live. It's still incredibly sad (it always will be, and it's only been 4 weeks) - I'm pretty sure I'll never have a better ten years.

It will always be sad, but as time goes on you'll remember the happy more and more, and you'll reconcile the two.

Do allow yourself to be happy as and when it happens.

thomasross20

You're right, I've definitely been thinking more of the happier times the last few days. Though I dearly want to hold on to all parts, even the sad. I have so many amazing videos just of the last 7-8 weeks. She put on weight due to the steroids but she was all the more cuddlier for it and there are some real tear-jerker videos I love. 

I'm so glad I did everything I could. As cliche as it sounds... still just can't believe that this has happened. Just can't believe it! 

Right cheers for now! 

guitars4you

^^^^ sorry to hear about the lack of support from 'friends' - Not sure what to say or add - Are they Sheena's friends that you now know or your friends, or both ? - Are they scared or unsure how to approach ?

just a few crazy thoughts - maybe try  and meet 'friends' for a beer or coffee, or a walk, in a new place, so maybe less pressure or an uneasy not sure what to say 'atmosphere' 

have you gone back to work yet ? - I know you hinted at it - don't suppose it will be easy - maybe a day or two at first and see how it goes

Easy for me to say don't be angry but try and concentrate on issues and matters that please you more - I suppose we all handle it differently and what we do next, but try and work on areas you are more content and comfortable with - Some might say 'sod the rest' but hard to comment without knowing the full story

Glad you are still letting us know what is going on even if it just makes you feel better for a brief moment and gets rid of some frustration - keep in touch and best wishes