Friday humour

Nomad · August 2016

A rambler is out in the country, enjoying the good weather and fine views. As noon approaches, he starts to feel a bit hungry and decides to seek out somewhere to stop for a meal and a drink. He gets his map out and sees that there’s a village about a mile away, on the far side of some woods, which have a stream passing through the middle. “There must be a pub or a shop there,” he thinks to himself, and he sets off down the footpath towards a lane that leads past the woods to a junction that then branches towards the village.

As he’s making his way down the lane, passing by the woods, he sees a figure about a quarter of a mile away. As he gets closer, he finds an old man leaning against a gate, who has just finished his pipe and is tapping the ash out.

“Good morning!” says the rambler in greeting.

“How do,” says the old boy in reply.

“I gather there’s a village near here – do you know if I can get something to eat there?”

“You certainly can,” says the old man.

“Ah, good,” says the rambler, his belly starting to rumble a bit. “Just down this lane to the end of the woods, then take the right turn up to the village?”

“You could go that way,” replies the old man, “but there’s a shortcut through the woods. I’m going that way myself – I’ll show you the way if you like.”

“Sounds good to me,” says the rambler, “lead on!”

He passes through the gate and follows the old man into the woods. They stroll along at an easy pace and the lane and gate are soon left behind. “So, what do you do for a living?” asks the rambler to strike up some conversation.

“I’m retired now,” comes the reply, “but I was a builder, man and boy.”

At this point, they reach the stream through the woods, and follow the path along the bank. “So what sort of things did you build?” enquires the rambler just as they round a bend in the stream and come across a small hump-back bridge which the path crosses over.

“Well, you see this here bridge?” replies the old man.

“Indeed I do,” says the rambler, admiring the stonework and symmetry. “It’s very fine work.”

“I built this bridge when I was in my thirties,” says the old man as they cross over. “But they don’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do something like that round here. No... No they don’t!”

“Oh,” responds the rambler, slightly nonplussed as they continue through the woods. The narrow path widens a little and passes by the side of a small meadow. On the other side of the meadow is a lovely cottage with a thatched roof. “That looks idyllic!” exclaims the rambler.

“I built that house when I was in my forties,” says the old man without even looking at it. “But they don’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do something like that round here. No... No they don’t!”

“Err, no, I suppose not,” mumbles the rambler, unsure how to respond. They pass along the side of the meadow and come around the edge of the woods into the village itself. There’s a village green, with a pond in the middle, some large oak trees, cottages dotted about, and a small pub on the far side with a couple of tables outside, where some villagers can be seen supping pints and eating sandwiches. It’s a picturesque scene of pastoral relaxation.

“Aha,” says the rambler, “I think this must be my lunch stop! Well, thank y...”

“I built that tavern when I was in my fifties,” interrupts the old man. “But they don’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ if you do something like that round here. No... No they don’t!”

There’s an awkward silence and the old man seems lost in his thoughts.

“But if you fuck one goat...”

Fretwired · August 2016

HAL9000 · August 2016

Interviewer: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Interviewee: My honesty.
Interviewer: I don't necessarily think that's a weakness.
interviewee: No-one gives a f#€< what you think.