Friday humour

Hootsmon

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Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

axisus

axisus

Sesh

Where do you find peacocks?


Between the peanuts.

axisus

When brackets go bad .....

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

HAL9000

I watched a war film that had been edited to the point of being incomprehensible. I think it was abridged too far.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

rocktron

MARRIAGE is not a word. It is a sentence - a Life Sentence! 

1. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets the Masters.

2. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

3. Marriage requires a man to prepare for 3 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffering

4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

5. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what your mate sitting next to you has, you wish you had ordered that.

6. It is true that all men are born equal and free - but some of them get MARRIED!

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. Son: Is it true Dad. . . I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

9. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... but then it was too late!"

10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a man who has been married ten years looks happy, we wonder why.

12. There was this boyfriend who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

13. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

14. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

 The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."

15. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

16. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son; I'm still paying for it."

17. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

18. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

 And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

19. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

20. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

21. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

22. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

23. A blonde woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

 "And what was he before you married him", asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire".

ESBlonde

When a man marries a woman he expects her never to change, but she does.
When a woman marries a man she expects to change him, but she can't.

Hootsmon

rawk100

Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?' the doctor asks.
'Don't you start' says the guy. 

rawk100

"Doctor doctor I've got a strawberry growing out of my head"!

"Don't worry, I'll give you some cream to put on it".

ronnyb

When a bride walks into a church to get married she sees 3 things. Firstly the Aisle. Then she sees the altar and lastly the groom. She thinks to herself "Aisle altar him"

Hootsmon

My wee Grandniece was askin' if I was "going tae make any more of yon tomatae soup wae the cretins in it?"