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Butcher: Sorry madam, we don't sell wasp.
Customer: You've got one in your window.
He said say ah.
I said why?
He said my dog's just died.
Darren Walsh
“When I’m listening to U2, I turn down the treble a little bit. Just to take The Edge off.”
Aye...matey!
Two raincoats?
Max
Two raincoats standing next to a cemetery?
Max Bygraves
"Hi Marg, I just wanna check, do you serve Cummins?"
"Eee Cummins love, now what's that?"
"It's cider Marg".
"Eee I'm not sure love, let me ask Bob.Bob! Bob! Do we serve Cummins cider?"
"Cummins cider?"
"Yes Cummins cider".
"No".
"No love we don't serve Cummins cider"
"Ah right......Have you got any Dickens?".
"What's that love?"
"It's cider Marg"
"Bob. Do we have any Dickens cider?"
"No".
"No love we don't serve Dickens cider"
"Well thanks for that anyway Marg. Bye"
"Bye love".
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
https://www.studiowear.co.uk/ -
https://twitter.com/spark240
Facebook - m.me/studiowear.co.uk
Reddit r/newmusicreview
Expect lengthy jams.
"It's bean soup, Sir."
"Yes, but what is it now?"
Aparently he couldn't keep control of his pupils....
It was stuck to the chicken's foot
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
CHECK UP
An 86 year old man went to his Doctor for his quarterly check up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, the 86 year old said “things are great I have never felt better”. I have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that doc?
The doctor considered his question for a minute then began to tell a story.
“I have an old friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season”
One day, he was in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared the lake, he come across a very large beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realised he had left his gun at home so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, took aim at the animal as if it was his favourite hunting rifle and went BANG BANG!!!
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the Beaver fell over dead.
Now what do you think that? Asked the doctor
The 86-year-old replied “logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds in to the beaver”
The doctor replied “my point exactly”
Your life will improve when you realise it’s better to be alone than chase people who do not really care about you. Saying YES to happiness means learning to say NO to things and people that stress you out.
https://www.facebook.com/grahame.pollard.39/
"Big Issue?"
Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."
The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked,
"Two full hours?
Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Your life will improve when you realise it’s better to be alone than chase people who do not really care about you. Saying YES to happiness means learning to say NO to things and people that stress you out.
https://www.facebook.com/grahame.pollard.39/